passivelysucidial

I was born in pain. Or so they tell me. I cried when I came home from school, I hugged my legs at night willing them to stop hurting. As I grew I was told the pain would go away. It never did.

At 24 I developed an rsi. This turned to Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue.

At 37 I developed IIH Intercranial Hypertension. Risking my eyesight and setting off opcitical and trigeminal neuralgia.

Age 39 now. I can get through a few days ok. In pain but ok. But most days I'm in agony, my legs, back, arms, neck, face all hurt constantly. My eyes hurt and my vision is often bleary. I get a migraine ever day or two.

I've been waiting for over a year for injections that should help the head pain but due to covid all my appointments have been cancelled.

I'm not going to so anything about it, I like living. I like my friends, my pets, my hobbies.
But if I didnt wake up tomorrow everything would be ok. To not be in pain anymore. To not know that Every day I have to assess if I can get out of bed, if I'm safe to drive. If I have the strength to push through the agony and do anything even remotely normal.

I dont want to live like this any more. But I have to because There is no other option for me.

What plays on my mind the most, is if I was a beloved pet, a faithful dog or loved cat the vets would advise I was put down. It would be cruel to put me through this for the rest I'd my life. I'm only gonna get worse and the pain is making me miserable. I wouldn't put a dog through this suffering. Why am I expected to suffer. #SuicidalThoughts #PainAcceptance #passivelysucidial #fibromyalga #IIH #Inpainfrombirth

do you still need help if you’re #passivelysucidial ? I’m scared to talk about it to anyone bc you know it’s a big bad scary word with the threat of hospitalization but I do have #suicidialideations I always have, sometimes they’re worse than other times but how do you explain that to the people you know without them rushing you off to the doctors or therapy or hospital and without getting them scared or worried ?

I'm new to this site so I thought I would introduce myself. My name is Hallee I'm 16 and have struggled with depression anxiety and passive suicidal thoughts since I was 12. #Depression #Anxiety #passivelysucidial

So I’ve been doing amazing overall still since finishing TMS back in February. I’ve stepped down my Effexor under my Dr’s care and am due to go on the lowest dose next week.
My son has been away at camp For the week and historically this has been super hard for me, it highlights how alone I generally am and how little effort I put into living my own life.
I get to pick him up tomorrow and only had the thought I’d happily die if not for my child only once or twice during the week and it was fleeting verses constant.
I have created a better support system for myself but at the end of the day I feel disconnected from a real life.
I have a couple friends but they are all married and have their own lives. I truly feel I only matter to my child and my fur babies.
When my husband died, my ability to trust people died with him as one by one everyone faded from the scene and just were not supportive. I just don’t really care about anything aside from being a mom. I’m lucky because I do experience happiness in parenting but when he is not around it’s a pretty constant reminder that I could have died on Saturday and it’s pretty doubtful anyone would have noticed until I failed to pick up my child. It’s a shitty feeling to know that. Anyway venting is my attempt at self care. I’ve come a long way but not there yet.

I really just wanna give up. I’ve just had enough of feeling completely lost and empty. It never goes. But I know I have family and friends that care about me and I’m grateful for that and I know if I was to do anything it would tear them apart. So I won’t but it makes me feel trapped. There is no escape. My life is a prison and I can’t cope anymore.

I feel like my life consists of me continually being surprised by what in my body can hurt for no apparent reason. Like, I have absolutely no clue why my muscles are tightening around my rib cage in a way that distracts me from remembering to breathe. Or why something in my neck went “nope” in the middle of class this afternoon and now I can’t turn my head even slightly to the right without it hurting. A lot. I’ve been in this mood lately where I’m really just done with being in pain. Like there’s nothing I can do to change it. But I’m just sort of done with it anyway. And this whole feeling ‘done’ thing is also making my almost constant state of passively suicidal a little harder to manage... #ChronicPain #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #MastCellActivationDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #passivelysucidial #Pain

Lately, I’ve been waking up, just feeling sad, and my chest is heavy...for no particular reason. I don’t shower, I just change pj pants, and lay on the couch. Today is the first day I go back to work in about a week. I had to call out last shift because of my #Migraine . I only work 5-9:30 tonight, and I’m anxious and depressed. I’ve pretty much got to the point where I hate my job. But I STILL haven’t heard back from SS #Disability , so I have to keep doing this. I’m at the point where this #ChronicPain makes me want to stop waking up. I’m just exhausted. I want to cry, but I can’t.

I had noticed that the symptoms of my mental illness (such as low selfesteem, #passivelysucidial and abandonmentfear) were getting somuch worse since being in this relationship. Now that we broke up I am trying to make sense of triggers and a residual anger that is bigger than is usual for me. I understand that both having mental illness does not make a relationship easier and I was very hesitant to ask this question as it is such a heavy subject (and quite a leap form merely a 'bad boyfriend'),but I'm confused and would really apreciate some general pointers so I can make sense of my emotions

#MajorDepressiveDisorder is a massive and annoying part of life. Most the time I have it under control, a combo of medication, therapy, and coping mechanism, but sometimes, mostly around hormone week, it gets hard to control.

Today started as a #GoodDay but making the mistake of trying to talk to people when there was too many people talking, triggered a change into a #BadDay . I went from a decent mood, feeling fine, not happy, as that's pretty much out of my reach most the time, to wondering why I try? It reminded me that I am what's considered #passivelysucidial 

I hate it.

All I want is for my mind to not hate me, to not feel like I am nothing but a bother and annoyance to everyone. I know logically that's wrong. That doesn't help when things are going wrong left, right, and sideways. It's been weeks since something has gone right. Or so it feels.

I know a large part of my problem is the fact my assist animal, the cat who reminds me to eat, take my meds, and sleep, recently got sick, and since then things are just hitting me harder. He's responding to medication, but it simply adds to everything else that's going wrong.

It is my hope that everyone out there has a better time, a chance at recovery, if only to a point of stable and managing, since I know a cure isn't really happening for most of us. #StayStrong