Personality Disorders

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Personality disorders

What is the thing with doctors, who believe you have a BPD, personality disorder, that they are tough and very straight and tells me what I am thinking. Hard like a coconut. Insulting me. Maybe just to get a reaction. She got none

But when I was exempt from personalitydisorders, the doctor was suddenly very nice and soft. Makes me even more paranoid over her as I have schizophrenia. Paranoid is my second name. I ended up with added PTSD diagnose.

Anyone else experienced this? Why do they do this? I am so sad for people being abused as a child and then abused in healthcare

#PTSD #Schizophrenia #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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For all needing the reminder

As a child I learnt from my family that I was wrong in feeling and being as I was.
As a sensitive, anxious child, I internalized their view of me being wrong and too much.
So I closed down.
Boarded up.
Developed depression and two personality disorders.
And a truckload of unhealthy coping strategies.
Now I am learning I am not wrong or faulty as a person.
It is often challenged by my dad who views mental health issues as personal failures.
Something you can snap out of or run off.
But I now know he is wrong.
And I am doing my very best.
I am healing.
And I am trying to find my way to a life with contentment.
And I am NOT a failure!
Neither are you.
We're doing all that we possibly can.
And I would definitely go as far as to say we are winners for still being here and still showing up.
(Picture from Pinterest)

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I have a question for you guys

So a few days ago, my therapist asked me a question I haven’t been able to answer for so many years: What are your aspirations and goals? What is something that you would like to accomplish short or long term? Any personal or professional goals or desires? Who would you like to become or how would you like to live?

Believe me I had no idea how to answer that, and after a few seconds of silence I said “No, I don’t think I have anything like that anymore. I used to have it in me but I don’t really think I do now”. Maybe, it's because I used to care about my future way more back then, and for the last 3-4 years I have not felt that I care enough to start “looking for passions”. I have a job and I like it. I earn just enough money to live with my partner and my cat and also spend some money during the weekends going out with my friends, so I really didn’t think I needed a goal in life, other than surviving and making money; but the fact that I couldn’t answer that question got me thinking: I used to enjoy doing productive things, now I have been seeking for that thrill in doing things that are not contributing to my depression treatment at all; unhealthy habits, impulsivity, and momentary moments of bliss can get you anywhere but only for a little while.

So I decided to search for the answer to the question above. I decided that I could maybe start looking for my passions, goals, desires and eventually, an idea of who I want to become. To start with, the only thing I’m very aware of is that I want to be a better version of myself so I can stop the cycle of doing things the wrong way and then feeling bad about it when I knew it had consequences. But to be a better version of myself, that version that is able to enjoy life the same way I did at some point (not that I don’t enjoy it now but you get me), I think I need to ask myself first: do people have passions, goals and do they know who they want to be or how they’d like to live in a future? I am young and I know that now knowing is fine, but don't people have at least some kind of inspiration? I mean, professionally and academically, or even personally. I would appreciate reading some answers since I have no idea where to begin, and I kind of want to get that motivation back.

#CheckInWithMe #CheerMeOn #Anxiety #MentalHealth #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Depression #PersonalityDisorders

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What my eating disorder took away from me

I used to be confident enough to wear anything I want. I used to enjoy eating at social events and any other type of gatherings, laughing and having a good time and being able to genuinely enjoy the present instead of thinking about how many calories I'm eating/drinking. I used to be able to hold long conversations with my friends and actually listen to what they had to say instead of overthinking about my body and how I look (or how I could look).

I was the type of person someone would reach out to if they wanted to have fun or to even talk about certain things they wouldn't feel comfortable talking about with other people. I used to be reliable, as a friend and family member. I used to be funny, and I tried my best to enjoy every activity I did. I was sure of my decisions and I didn't need anything else than good company to actually have fun.

Eating disorders turned me into a 'thrill seeker', since I couldn't find thrill or joy in anything else other than burning calories. Even burning calories wasn't that enjoyable, it was sort of like a punishment that made me feel relief and less anxious. At some point, right before I decided to ask for help, I found myself seeking thrill engaging in several different activities that didn't fill the void; some of them might've turned into unhealthy habits and some I let go.

Someone once told me that people who have struggled with eating disorders can surely recover but it will always leave a scar. I didn't even used to think I could recover but now that I have, I know now what they meant: it left a mark, it took away my confidence and reliability and it's very hard to get those back. As I recovered from an eating disorder I fell into depression and I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. My eating disorder created a chain of events that would turn into messes I had to clean, and eventually, depression and anxiety.

But I'm doing better, since I would much rather deal with these mental illnesses and diagnosis than my actual eating disorder, because now I have therapy and a psychiatrist, which helps a lot.

I continue to be a thrill seeker but I'm more self-aware now, of both the consequences of my actions and the impact it has on others around me. I continue to fight every day not to feel miserable with my body image, but I've made peace with the scale and my weight: I don't care anymore, honestly I just want to be happy. Slowly claiming back everything an eating disorder took away from me: it's tiring but worth the shot.

#Depression #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Anxiety #MentalHealth #EatingDisorders #Orthorexia #Anorexia #BulimiaNervosa #PersonalityDisorders #CheckInWithMe #CheerMeOn

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About not being reliable due to mental illness and feeling like we're 'a bad friend' or bad 'family member'.

Making plans with my close friends and being consistent is harder than I thought. It gets even harder when I have sudden boosts of motivation and I make plans to see them but then, when the time comes, I find myself depressed and not motivated at all again so that makes me cancel plans or even stop responding at all.

I'm so grateful for my friends because they stay around no matter what, and they understand what I deal with and how I deal with stuff. But sometimes I can't help but think that the reason why I have very few close friends is because depression and social anxiety makes me very unreliable. I mean, even though we are people that can be trusted and we're there for our loved ones, sometimes everything is just too much to handle and we either disappear for a few days (or weeks) or we stop responding and stop making plans. I can't talk to anyone every single day: not even my family; and it's not because I don't want to, but because I find myself unable to do enough and to be enough for them sometimes. Whenever I know I can't give my 100% or I can't be present in the moment and fully enjoy someone else's company, I just stay silent and away until I feel capable of holding a conversation again and socializing as expected.

I was going to see my friends more often but I didn't, I was going to get nice christmas presents for my little sisters but I wasn't able to finish it just yet. I was supposed to reply to over 5 friends but again, I was not able to. All of these thoughts haunts us on a daily or weekly basis because no matter how hard we try, we still believe deep inside that we could do so much better, but for some reason, we don't. Holidays make me feel like I suck as a friend and as a sister, as a daugther and granddaughter; that I could do so much more for them but I don't, because out of the 17 hours a day that I'm awake, I manage to do only what's essential: work, house chores and taking care of my cat.

So I guess if I could say anything to my friends and family I would tell them I'm sorry for not being there more often, for not showing all the love I feel for them and for accidentally pushing them away from time to time. I love them and I care about them but to be honest sometimes I can barely take care of myself. I hope they know that I will be here for them and I think about them everyday, even when I don't text back, when I don't call or update them on my life.

#SocialAnxiety #Anxiety #Depression #PersonalityDisorders #CheckInWithMe #CheerMeOn #MentalHealth

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"Before I start to think about the future, first can I please get through the day?" -Complicated, Mac Miller. (About the holidays)

The last 2 weeks of the year are usually the toughest ones for me. Christmas is okay but it sort of reminds me of how I'd love to see my family more often. Many of us can relate to the feeling of wanting to do so much more and give so much more (emotionally) to our family and loved ones but not being able to due to depression, anxiety and at the same time having to work and function as a "normal human being". Sometimes we have a lot going on, without even having a lot going on: I work 6 hours a day (home office), I take care of my cat and do some house chores; it really doesn't seem so complex but mental illness makes it ten times harder. For some of us, Christmas is just another reminder that everyone's running a race at their own pace and we're already behind because of the backpack full of sh*t we carry everywhere. I know life shouldn't be a race but it surely feels like it; everyone's trying to get to the finish line but we're not even sure where to start.

Then, that week between Christmas and NYE is so confusing.. Everyone's on vacations, enjoying their time with their friends or family, setting goals and new resolutions for next year. Meanwhile, that last week made me feel numb and completely dissociated from reality, I felt a bit empty inside and worried about my future. We see a lot of 2023 recaps on social media and all we can think of is how to be able to make the most out of another year. Sometimes I can't even make the most out of my day and there I am overthinking about what goals should I set and what things could I accomplish for the next 365 days lol.

Therapy taught me to live in the present, I guess it's because I can't afford thinking about my future if my current situation is not as good as it could be. There is so much pressure to be better and do better these days but I guess what I wanted to say is that we are not forced to change and improve all of a sudden. 2024 is not going anywhere, we still have 12 months to go, so instead of thinking of how little or how much you did in 2023, let's just take one step at a time and live our life day by day.

I'd like to start by setting small and doable goals that I know I struggle with, and focusing on reaching these goals day by day:

Drinking enough water, cleaning my room more often, doing my bed everyday, practicing being grateful and empathetic towards others and also towards myself. These are just some of the goals I'll be setting for myself every day and if I don't get to do it, that's fine, I'm trying my best and so are you, and so is everyone here.

Sometimes we can't even try our best and we just try until we're tired, and that's okay too. For 2024 I guess what I want the most is to be patient and understandig to myself, and to try my best, even if that means something as simple as doing the laundry: I'll try and make the most out of it. I hope you do too :)

#CheckInWithMe #CheerMeOn #Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #PersonalityDisorders

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Trying to make this my mood today

Sometimes I do feel sorry for myself.
That so many of my days are filled with struggling, anguish and darkness.
I don't mean to sound like a pity party.
But it does drain me so sometimes.
Right now being one of those times.
I guess that's how my life is with two personality disorders, depression, anxiety and burnout...
Although I do so very much hope that all the work I do in therapy and all the work I do for healing will pay off at some point.
Maybe not to the point where there is no struggle at all.
But to a point where there is less.
And I'll take that!
I am grateful for knowing now that times like this pass.
I am grateful for my self care routines with walks, naps and journaling.
I am grateful for The Mighty.
I am grateful for my sons that keep me going.
I am grateful I have money for groceries.
I am grateful that I can manage to brush my teeth.
I am grateful for a roof over my head and peace in my country.
For all of you out there struggling too:
I wish I could help you.
Ease your pain.
I don't have any profound words of wisdom.
I'm sorry.
But I do want to let you know that as long as we try, we're probably doing better than we think.
Sending much support💐
(Picture from Pinterest)

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