Is There Any Help Out There? Please!
I am 47 years old and have yet to enjoy much of anything in this life. I have CPTSD, Anxiety, Depression, and all coated with psychosis. I have had these my entire life due to childhood sexual abuse and neglect. Then about 6 years ago I went through a series of extremely traumatic events all at the same time. It was too much. I broke. I started seeking treatment about 5 years ago. The national suicide hotline gave me the name of a place for people with no insurance. I am sitting here 5 years later, worse than when I started. I have never seen the same doctor more than once. The medication system they have leaves me without my meds about a week before I get the refill just enough time to be rushed with every suicidal thought there is. Don't get me wrong, my caseworker is so sweet and she's been the only consistency in my treatment. I appreciate that!! She didn't mean it when she said it, but last week she says, "I'll talk to you next month and pretend I have solutions I really don't have.". It disheartened my soul. I can't tell you the number of times I called their nurses hotline telling them I didn't feel ok. Telling them I was scared. Something was terribly wrong, and never a call back at all. I'm so lucky to have a husband that is so sweet, patient, and understanding or I would be dead. 100%. In addition to all of the chaos I deal with in my head, I am a full time caregiver to my mom who has early onset Alzheimers I have a front row ticket watching my mom slowly die. Everyone has long since forgot her. My brother robbed her blind and left her with nothing to care for herself. I made a promise to her I would never leave her. My husband and I are literally all she has. She's living her worst nightmare and I can do nothing to help. She can't even communicate with me anymore. I have to read her body language just to try to guess what she needs. I have phobias that leave me paralyzed for hours at times. My husband juggles work and trying to care for us. We are blessed he loves us and is so awesome. As my mom declines, so do I. I hear locusts 24/7. It was very low when I was a child. I focused on them the summer my sexual abuse began. I hear them so loud now that I am beyond desperate to make them stop. When you add that to all the chaos around me, I'm not sure how I'm still here at all. I have been swaying around that line for a very long time. I have my associates degree in radiology. I put myself through school with 2 kids and no help. All the while battling my mental health. I have worked on 2 presidents campaigns and always strived to make my children proud of who I was. I have a huge heart and have so much I want to do in this world, but I don't want to get out of bed. If someone could see the desperation I feel daily and could help me with treatment, I can repay them. Make payments, something but I can't even get most to even answer the phone. I need to get better so I can help my mom with this last stage of her life. I want so badly to feel life. Feel something other than despair. I have been through things you only see in the movies, most wouldn't have made it this far, yet I'm still here fighting to be a normal person. I'm no one special, but I feel after all the abuse I've endured and pain I've carried for others, I deserve to get better. I'm not asking for sympathy. Others have been thru so much more than me, I'm just begging for help. Is there anyone out there?