Suicidal Thoughts

I keep remembering this one guy who knew my uncle and he told me my life could be a lot worse and then one time I used to talk to this girl who was a really bad nasty person who took advantage of me and he told me I am too young to be hanging out with her that she is a fine lady. I also keep remembering there was this one guy who worked as a mental health technician at the mental hospital I was in and he told me to leave him alone and then he saw me got hospitalized again and he asked how I am doing. Another mental health technician named Alex told me what I am going through must be tough and it doesn’t effect his life whatsoever. I can’t count how many times I have had men be rude and disrespectful to me even cops. I don’t see why they can’t be nice. I have been called ugly my whole life. I don’t know why people have to be so rude to me. That’s why I am not gonna tolerate bullsh*t anymore and I am gonna be mean too. There have been plenty of more times people have been rude to me; countless. That is why I choose to stay away from people. I rather be by myself..
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This boy in my class made fun of me and said I am not appealing. Honestly the same boy failed the class and might have a criminal record which makes me feel better because what he did to me was wrong. I am diagnosed with Schizophrenia Bipolar. I have had people be so mean and rude to me my whole life especially boys in school and just men in general. I have been called ugly my whole life. I am disabled and I am 29 years old. I almost got attacked twice in school like beat up too for no reason and it was by boys. My nationality is West Indian. That’s why I don’t plan on going back to school only doing online school because why do people have to attack me? I am not a bad person.
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The girl who did this, her and her sister took advantage of me and I hope to never see them or have people like that back in my life. They are such low life bums and what they did to me traumatized me. I am going to a therapist and I told them what they did to me. They are nasty. What is even worse is that they are of similar culture of mine and it makes me not want to be around people of my nationality because all that mistreatment I got from them. The girl who forced me to touch her boobs, I know this might sound harsh but I really don’t care what happens to her especially her sister. If they punish I would laugh lol. One of there family members was on the news for something really bad and if I knew all this information about them, I would of never talked to such awful people.
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I hope life gets better for me everyday in every way and I hope that for all of you too! I don’t know why people say such mean things. I emailed a model once and told her what I was going through with my mental health journey and her reply was that my life will get worse and worse over the years that she will pray for me. I swear I hope that’s not true because I deserve a life that always continues to get better for me in every way and so do all of you!
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I have had so many men call me ugly. I used to go online and pretend to be other attractive pretty girls and when I showed them real pictures of me. I got so many nasty mean remarks thrown to me about my appearance. I know I am not the prettiest girl but at least be nice because I am a GIRL not a fucking boy. I hate the way I look. I can’t even be around an attractive female without being insecure because when a pretty girl walks into the room, they probably would get complimented right away and I never do. I am always by myself and plan on being by myself for the rest of my life. Attractive people piss me off. I don’t like being around them. I was never considered one. When I was little my parents said I looked like a doll and I had so many people say stuff about the way I look saying I am ugly mostly men. Sorry I will never look like Jennifer Lopez and some people probably really wouldn’t understand why I am this way. I really hate my appearance. Maybe if I lost all the weight I wanted and my skin cleared up forever, I would feel a little better about myself but otherwise no. Sometimes I see attractive people in public and just want to punch them. That is not gonna change.
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