Abuse

Good morning. I am new here. A little about me just to give context. By the time I was 5, I had been abandoned by my bio mom and neglected/abused by a stepmom. My earliest self concept was unloved, unworthy, unwanted. Further abuse, including sexual abuse, and extreme bullying in school led to fantasizing about dying by the time I was 12. Escaped to a foster home, which wasn't much better by the time I was 15 and graduated high school and married at 17. I lived in hypervigilence and looping emotional pain and only got worth from doing for others or excelling at work or other activities. At the age of 21 I came to know Jesus through extraordinary circumstances (had a child who nearly died after birth and extreme life-saving methods kept him alive until he received a miracle). That was 1991, over the years, very slowly, some of the results of trauma began to be worked out (rage, control issues, self worth, etc) through relationship with Jesus and other christians. I became a leader in our church, and for the first time began to see purpose for my life. Looking back, I see how emotionaly dysregulation, insecurities and perfectionism poisoned many of my relationships and things I did. I was not aware of these things, I had come so far from the way I was and was actually helping people. Not having any other template to evaluate by, I thought I was well. After selling our dream home, which I designed and helped build (I was the gen contractor and did much of the finish work myself), selling/giving away most of our worldly belongings and moving out of country to work with a ministry overseen and supported by our church, we were abruptly pulled from the mission field by church leadership, citing the danger from cartel activity going on in our area. When we got back to the US, we were confronted witha laundry list of errors or offenses comitted during our time and learned that's why we were pulled. In context, we knew there were problems with the leadership there, as they stopped including us in anything outside ministry activity and brought a list of complaints to the pastor, who called us to a meeting earlier in the year and came down very hard on us. We humbled ourselves, saw the error of our ways (actually, my ways - the leader said he had no problem with my husband) and set about making things right. Several months later, we were pulled with no discussion. The leaders we were directly under NEVER sat down with us or talked to us about what offended or upset them. At this point, emotionally I feel like I've been flung 40 years back to - unworthy, unwanted and unloved. It pains me to go to church, as I did as I was told and sent out a final newsletter stating that we were being pulled due to danger - not true. The church just sent 2 others to the same place to help with an outreach, so it's obvious that wasn't the case. Also, we still have many friends there who tell us we can come home, there's no reason to stay away. I am disgraced, with no remedy. This is an extreme life upheaval, we adapted as best as we could in the short 16 mos we were there to the culture and the life - we feel like a square peg in a round hole. This feels like it did in grade school - nothing I can do or say will change that I am a failure and unacceptable. It's just over and I have no purpose. I just sit at home and wait for my husband to come home from work - he had to come out of retirement for us to afford living in the US. So he is suffering for my errors. I just don't understand how, after 33 years of knowing the Lord, over 20 years of being a serious student of the Word, finding identity in Christ as daughter of God, His workmanship, fearfully and wonderfully made, loved, made righteous through the cross, etc., how do I still have personality and character defects that I'm blind to? My meditations and prayers in the months before we were pulled, in the wake of being corrected, were Mat. 11:28-30; Phil 2:3-8; Rom 8:29; and many Proverbs about the tongue and purposing to only speak with love and to only speak with purpose. Not saying I was doing those things perfectly, saying that that's where my head/heart were. I know God has not rejected/ abandoned me, but it has been hard to be intimate with Him as I feel thrown away. I served the same ministry in every way I could for almost 30 years and I just feel very disposable. In my pastor's defense, I see over the years how it was difficult for her to correct me, as I would often be defensive or emotionally dysregulated when she would try to correct me. So I am not blaming her, I am just saying that I've been as sincere in my relationship with the Lord as I know to be, I forgave (earnestly) those who abused me (we all have good relationships today and I see how their own abuse backgrounds led to where they were) and there's absolutely no trigger in those relationships. I can see areas I needed to relinquish control or to trust in that I didn't - fear driven decisions. How does one with so much damage get to the place where the healing provided to us through the cross changes the subconscious, background issues that still affect life today? For the first time in decades, I feel hopeless.

Hi, my name is danasdiaz. I'm here because I want to help others who have struggled with the variety of issues I have had to deal with as a result of lifelong abuse. I also hope to learn more about others' experiences with some of the same issues, as well as those of people I love dearly.

#MightyTogether #PTSD #Migraine #Anxiety #Depression #BipolarDisorder #EatingDisorder #Grief

Hi, my name is do_you_know. I'm here because
I am struggling to find support with everything that seems to be happening around me . I am a gay male with HIV who is a survivor of childhood sexual assault, alone with numerous other childhood trauma's. I suffer from many mental health issues and substance abuse. Somedays are a struggle!
#MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #ADHD #Grief #PTSD #Insomnia

I think I am being emotionally abused by my adult son and the way,as my legal guardian, he has been treating me. It’s a complicated situation and I have Bpd so I am going to try to get the situation across without over explaining- a character flaw I am guilty of.

Just before Christmas I was the target of a sophisticated identity theft scam on a social media platform. I took all the appropriate measures necessary as soon as I realized what was happening. I was not careful and released my personal information. I didn’t lose anything material - at least not yet.

Back to my son. He became my guardian two years ago when I was in a mental health hell. I am now in a much better space but still struggling. That was until I told him what happened and his actions and inactions are why I am questioning emotional abuse currently. I can’t get into most of what is going on but I can say that I believe he is abusing me in every way except he doesn’t hit me and there is no SA.

Two days before Christmas, after I informed him about the scam, he came to my place and stole my phone, tablet and laptop. He wiped them clean of everything including my contacts. My browser. Deleted my email account. All programs even those that I paid for. The few programs that he left were useless.

He also hijacked my Apple ID account and fraudulently put himself as my parent. He changed my birth year to 2020 so now apple thinks I am a 4 year old child with no privileges or choices over my own account. He put a pin # on every possible decision or change that could possibly help me restore my devices.

I need to back up and let you know why the internet and devices are so important to me. I have a mountain of physical and mental health issues that necessitate me living in an assisted living facility. I am the only one in my pod without dementia’s. There is literally no one to socialize with. The facility is grossly understaffed and the staff doesn’t have time to humor me. I have zero concentration so reading is difficult. I’m hearing impaired so music isn’t much to me. I have stories from childhood that could curl your toe nails. A whopper of a case of CPTSD. The only adult coping skill I have had success with is distraction…… through my devices and internet. My sons criminal action of theft and his fraudulently restructuring my data have resulting in collapsing into the abyss of not being able to distinguish between physical and mental health issues. You don’t have any other background that contributes to my current situation and I would be here for the rest of the night explaining. In an entirely unrelated situation he is inflicting medical neglect. This past summer he all of a sudden put restrictions on me through my facility. One of those is that I am not allowed to leave the building.

He did give my phone and tablet back Christmas afternoon. They are useless! The few programs left are not programs that provide support. And they don’t function without a browser. If that wasn’t enough he changed passwords. My brand new iPhone could dial out but he put a tracker software on it and he deleted my contacts file so I had no info to contact anyone. He also let me text but only him. I’m paying a lot of money for a smart phone to be basically useless. The iPad does nothing. He hasn’t given the laptop back.

I access both therapy and my psychiatrist through telehealth on my missing laptop. I am in crisis without help within reach. I have no distraction from this awful experience. I feel violated from the scam. Violated from the theft. Violated from the fraud. I sleep with a tracker and since this started the most sleep I have gotten in one night is 1 hour and 13 minutes. Can’t eat. I lost 6 pounds last week. Racing thoughts. Brain fog. Can’t track conversations. Feel like a major disaster is right around the corner. This is causing emotional upheaval as well as significant physical issues. I feel devalued and worthless. I feel betrayed and hurt. But I have other tumultuous feelings that I can’t put a name to because I was never taught. Physical symptoms are all encompassing from head to toe. I literately don’t know physical from emotional at this point. All I know for sure is that I have no other coping skills and no tools to help myself. Is this emotional abuse or am I a freak who just can’t cope?

Thank you for going on this wild ride and letting me vent. Also thank you to one of my staff who started loaning me her tablet when she works. I trying to reconnect with my programs online but he changed all my passwords. He says he is protecting me. From what?

I am in a horrible situation. Two years ago I was in a terrible mental state and my son obtained legal guardianship. It was a legitimate move in and of itself. However he lied to the court to make sure he was appointed. He reported that I was severely mentally ill - true fact. But he also reported that I was abusing thc as well. I had never touched the stuff. He was granted his request.

Fast forward to the present and I am in a much better state of mind in regards to thinking processes. I still struggle with my demons mostly resulting from CPTSD. The one and only coping skill I have been able to master is distraction. I live in an assisted living facility and I am the only one in my pod who isnt lost in the abyss of dementia. So there is no socialization possible for me. I spend my days doing various things online. I research a lot about my laundry list of physical and mental health challenges trying to learn ways to alleviate troubling symptoms. I do a little social media among my activities. The internet is my sole distraction coping mechanism.

The impossible situation started in the beginning of December. I started being hounded on social media about a financial grant available through the government for low income disabled people. A few days before Christmas I clicked on the link and the tumble into the abyss unfolded. I was the victim of a sophisticated identity theft scam. They didn’t get anything but my critical identification information before I realized it was a scam.

I took immediate action. 67 screenshots to document every communication. Unfollowing the 6 profiles involved. Reporting to the site administrators. Blocked their profiles. Deleted all messages involved. Changed all of my passwords and their recovery methods. Reported what happened to my son. I did everything I could think of to try to protect myself.

The scammers are not the direct culprit in the situation I am now in. On December 22, my son came to my residence and physically stole my iPad, my iPhone, and my Mac book. Every device I have and paid for entirely on my own. I immediately called the police. They said that they were not familiar with guardianship rights so they were not going to charge him with theft. They believed that guardianship automatically made it a civil matter. I had lost my only grip on self help.

He had made demands as to how my living facility treats me as soon as the courts gave him his title. I am not allowed to leave the facility without him is a biggie. I am trapped in these four walls with no socialization. My family of origin and my friends live halfway across the country so I don’t get any visits with them. Without my electronics there is just nothing for me as far as coping strategies and a connection with the outside world.

Christmas Day he returned my phone and tablet. He had wiped them clean of the programs I had put on them while I put my recovery process in motion. He left no internet access. No browser. Deleted my email address. He left Four programs that he decided were ok. But they don’t function without a browser and email. He then went a step further and hijacked my Apple account and made him the owner. He changed my birth year to 2020 so Apple thinks my profile belongs to a 4 year old and I have no privileges to restore it. He put a pin on every possible avenue to function on my devices. The only thing I could do was talk and text - but he destroyed my contacts so there was nothing. He is the only entry in my texting program. He completely made me a prisoner of these 4 walls. My psychiatrist and therapist are both accessed through telehealth. They are not reachable without a browser. I couldn’t even wish my family a Merry Christmas because I have no contact information. He has done so many abusive things that are not appropriate to go into but I think you can imagine. His abuses run the whole gamut except he has not hit me or SA.

Now the rest of the story thus far. I am a physical and emotional prisoner to myself. I am left dwelling upon all the things that make me think and feel worthless and undeserving. My flashbacks are on overdrive. My thoughts race. Lots of dissociation (DID being only one of many mental health issues). I have always had SI but now it is relentless. The voices become deafening. I use a sleep tracker for insomnia and the longest I have slept has been 1 hour and 18 minutes per night. I lost6 pounds last week. I am having dire problems with my physical health as well. I can’t begin to list them all but just know they are debilitating in their entirety. I am at a point where I don’t know what is mental or what is physical. And I am so alone with it all. The only way I am able to reach out right now is one of my staff brought me her tablet to borrow for a few hours. I can’t touch base with my other programs because he somehow managed to change the passwords.

The staff here are outraged at the things he is doing. To my knowledge there have been four mandated reports of vulnerable adult abuse made. One of the administrators helped me fill out and file court documents to have my son removed as my guardian. They are doing what they can to help but he is taking liberties that are not just causing me harm but also violate my rights as a breathing human being. He is also committing medical neglect as a result of an entirely unrelated matter. As a result I am having stress induced triggers of MCAS, Dysautonomia, POTs, several heart conditions, brain fog, memory issues, can’t eat, rapid weight loss, can’t sleep, already extreme physical pain has become almost intolerable, constantly feeling like something terrible is imminent, stomach motility, IBS flare, migraines the list goes on…

For someone on the outside it might be hard to understand why this affects me so deeply. But incidents from my past are so disrurbing that even my own brain can’t comprehend. It has been a valiant struggle to cope day to day. Distraction is it for me at this point and my son ripped that away. On top of my struggles, I am heartbroken about the possibility of losing my son from my life altogether. I don’t think he even comes close to the realization of the depth of damage he is doing. He says that is protecting me. From what? The scam has already done whatever it is going to do. My info is out there. It does not matter if I am treated like a 4 year old and isolated from everyone and everything. This is insane and is just wrong.

I made arrangements with my phone carrier to get a new phone and a new Apple ID. My son found out because he has a track on my line. He inserted himself into my account violating the privacy policy and dismissed that situation. I pay my own bills and I am the only authorized person on the account. Yet again, he is getting away with violating his power and keeping me in the most alone place I have ever been. He has completely isolated me from the outside world by a series of actions. Then to top it off I feel guilty. The vulnerable adult charges almost guarantee that he will lose his job. He is an RN for a hospice service. If he is convicted he will lose his nursing license. As severely as I am suffering from what I have shared and by what I cannot share in this forum. I do not want him to pay that price. All I want is for him to restore what he has taken and to understand what his other actions and inactions are doing to his mother. He was not raised to treat any living thing with such disdain - especially not in the name of love and protection.

This post was mostly a vent to try and make sense of this mess. It has in fact helped me organize some of my thoughts. I have been working on this post for almost 3 hours now. Am I overreacting? Am I simply regressing into my pothole of mental problems?

Thank you for your time and consideration for reading to the end.

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This might be a little too much honesty for some of you. Don’t keep reading if you are easily triggered. My intent isn’t to harm anyone, but to be honest about where I find myself. And may encourage someone else who is also struggling with the same thing. This is a real struggle that is wrapped in shame, self-hatred and vilification and too often the people who are struggling with this feel they need to hide or they are too embarrassed and ashamed to get help.
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I’m toxic. There, I said it. The old saying about the abused becoming the abuser, that’s what I became and now the consequences of my actions are coming to bear.

This specifics of the situation aren’t important. What’s important is that I see the pattern now and it’s a pattern that has spanned a lifetime and left a wake of destruction behind me. Every single relationship I have ever had in my life has ended in a raging inferno with me holding a gas can and a lighter.

Let me clear, I have never been physically or sexually violent. My issues are about control and manipulation which is about the safety of my world. That does in no way condone or justify it. It’s abuse either way and it erodes at the foundation of every relationship, breeds mistrust and can make your partner not just want to leave but actually feel crazy.

Why I do these things I don’t fully understand. I know my childhood has a lot to do with it. Both of my parent were incredibly abusive. Verbally, mentally, emotionally and physically. My father demanded perfection in everything from me. If you want to fuck a kid up real good just expect perfection from them and tear them to shreds at every chance you get even when they meet your standards. What you will end up with is a clone of someone who demands perfection in everything they do and from everyone and when they don’t get it out comes the toxicity. Couple that with absent parents and an insecure attachment style and you have the makings for someone who is insecure, with little to no self-esteem, no self-confidence, has no indentity other than “the failure” who feels not just unlovable but unworthy of love.

Look, I’m not looking for sympathy or pity. This is just my story and there are stories far worse than mine. I know a few people whose stories are way worse than mine who in some ways are farther along in their journey than me. I not only admire them for their courage and strength, I envy them.

So now I’m knee deep in a pile of cables that’s like a huge birds nest and I have to trace each one to the source and untangle it in order to continue to move in the right direction. It something I should have done years ago. I guess I wasn’t ready to face it and now I have no choice.

I can’t live like this anymore or I’m gonna die alone with no one to blame but myself.

why? aren't they supposed to give us a will to live?

#toxicparents #Abuse #Family

I just published my ebook to help other survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I spent two years writing it and now it is available in Apple Books stores worldwide. My story will help others by increasing awareness to the issue of child sexual abuse and motivate people to get things changed, like statute of limitations eliminated so survivors have unlimited time to pursue justice. books.apple.com/us/book/surviving-childhood-sexual-abuse-my-...

trigger warning sort of?,..............................My name is krissy3825.
I was already a member here. I have been Mia for a few weeks. my son lost his mind and stole my phone and my laptop and my tablet and completely deleted everything. he reset my apple profile to a birth year of 2020. Apple now thinks I am a 4 year old and will not let me make any changes on MY O W N account! I pay all of my own bills- he does not financially support me in any way. So no browser. deleted email. no internet. erased contacts. no apps...that i paid. nobody comes to see me at my assisted living facility. He has put restrictions where I live. I am not allowed to leave the building. he will make and transport t0 all doctor appointments so he could be present in the actual appointment. I am 5 months overdue for two very important visits with specialists. he openly admits that his intentions are to keep me from any contact and communication with the outside world. Last night he informed me that he plans to "erase my identity". all this and more FOR NO REASON! nothing has happened to me that has been any different. he is using the excuse that I was scammed for identity theft - nothing has been done with that information leak so far.he totally isolated me from the outside world. i couldnt even call my family and wish them a Merry Christmas because he deleted my contacts. i am a total mental mess. CPTSD is in overdrive. my kids were never treated this way. my son was never restricted like this. there is more ramifications and abuse but i jut cant go there right now. i am able to post today because one of my staff brought me her tablet. i have to start my life from scratch as i struggle to maintain my sanity while he mindlessly tries to destroy me. he is my legal guardian but he is going way out of the scope of his power. i will be at the courthouse at 9am. tomorrow morning to file to have him removed as his actions are abusive in a very big way. at this point i know of 4 vulnerable adult abuse charges that have been filed ... i live in a facility of mandated reporters! not only legal charges but he will likely lose his job and maybe his license for his career. He is an RN and works with vulbnerable adults. i gave him a weeks worth of chances to restore me and my identity. i also warned him that i would seek charges and changes. he wont budge. now that iive dumped on you i hope you are all well and strong. i am so happy to be back. #mightytogether #Anxiety #abuse#Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Migraine #Fibromyalgia #PTSD #Grief #insomnia