Abuse

Depression and feelings of low self-worth can have an impact in many areas of your life. Typical daily activities such as getting out of bed or going to work can feel daunting. Socializing and leaving the house can feel overwhelming, motivation can be hard to come by, your relationships may fall out of sync, etc. When feeling depressed, it's common for self-worth to also be compromised (and vice versa, low self-worth can feed depression. A vicious cycle).

Feeling Undeserving of Good

When experiencing low self-worth, it can feel like you're not deserving of the good things that come your way. For example, if your self-worth is low, you may on a deeper level feel like you don't deserve love, care, intimacy, success in career, a supportive relationship, respect from others, even simply good feelings, and more -- even when you crave it. When you're feeling undeserving of the good, it can be very difficult to know how to both see it when it's there, and receive it.

People generally desire good things in life. You likely want things that will make you happy and fulfilled. However, when your self-worth is struggling or you are feeling depressed, it can actually be incredibly tempting to unconsciously fall into patterns of pushing the good away.

The Impact of Trauma and Hurtful Experiences on Self-Worth

Self-sabotage patterns are quite complicated. It's not easy to convince somebody deep down that they deserve intimacy, to be loved, cared for, et al, especially if growing up they experienced bullying, harsh punishments for supposedly being "bad", abuse, neglect, loss, abandonment, trauma, and more.

For one example, it can be really unsettling to be cared for or close with someone else because maybe you're just waiting for them to find out how un-good you are. How long before this other person (or job, etc.) realizes that you're not worthy of their attention or effort? This is part of imposter syndrome. How long before people realize that you're not worth the good they're providing and therefore take it away? How long before you lose the good, whatever it may be?

Another example is if you've been bullied, abused, or neglected. The internal deeper feelings may be reluctant to become too close or vulnerable, to let your guard down, let someone in, or to trust care from others, especially if the people who were supposed to care for you growing up (and/or others) had a hand in making you feel hurt, or afraid, or actually did physically hurt you. It may be hard to trust that you're really ever safe being close to people.

Self-Sabotage and the Shame of Having Needs

The shame of having needs (and having them met) is a significant piece of self-sabotage patterns. The fear of losing something you need, or being hurt by your needs in the past can make it hard to want to need at all now. Why bother trying to have your needs met if you see the greater and intolerable pain coming, often becomes the narrative. When you're anticipating the pain, shame, or other deeply upsetting and maybe intolerable feelings, this is where self-sabotage patterns start to take over. Perhaps a part of you may feel like the shoe is eventually going to drop -- you're going to be hurt (physically, or otherwise), lose the good, be found out, etc. When you've been through deep pain before, it can become almost a form of torture just waiting for it to happen again. The longer in this unknown space of good being offered to you, in one way or another, or the more vulnerable you start to feel, the less in control of that eventual pain you may feel, and it can become scary.

In this space, the fear of the bad starts to take over. These deeper fears can actually show up unconsciously, and you may not realize fully that they are there. But your actions and feelings towards any of the good starts to shift from wanting it to fearing it. It's in this space where the self-sabotage takes over. You may start pushing people away, or repeat dynamics that serve to prevent success, intimacy, supportive relationships, love, anything you feel you emotionally need and would also be too painful to lose, be disappointed or rejected by, or be potentially hurt by.

Making the World Validate Your Worthless Feelings

Essentially, when struggling with low self-worth, it actually can become instinctive to assist the world in validating feelings of worthlessness, rather than taking in when the world is showing you the good that you so desire. Instead, if people are there who are trying to offer you the good, you might reject it or keep it at bay or arm's distance. This is a common pattern in relationships that struggle with intimacy. (I discuss this more in my Grass Is Greener Syndrome book and articles). Avoidance is a common characteristic in sabotage dynamics. Avoiding connection, intimacy (physical and/or emotional), etc.

Opening up to vulnerability, intimacy, care, success, and anything good may feel too scary, overwhelming, and simply too risky. Instead, it's almost an instinct to reject or destroy the good with self-sabotage dynamics and self-fulfilling prophecies (though, in your defense, they don't tend to happen by conscious choice). You may be offered exactly what you need and are seeking, but it's more safe and comfortable in the comfort zone where you can't be hurt, abused, disappointed, or left in pain in any other way.

In this mode, people unknowingly curate the world around them to match their feelings of worthlessness -- people push the care away in this state, and then become even more pained by being alone and feeling that no one really cares. In this particular fear-based state, this can be the comfort zone and where it feels the most safe, even if it means isolation keeping away the good. It's a harsh "damned if you do, damned if you don't" -- and it makes it harder to break out of depression, as well.

Testing Boundaries and Sabotage

It's also worth mentioning that part of these self-sabotage patterns actually shows up in "testing". When in these untrusting and vulnerable emotional states, it is quite common for people to test their partners or others to see where the boundaries are. Almost a sense of, "How much of myself can I be, or how far can I push before they will turn away from me and leave or have enough of me? Where is too far?" While this may be a form of testing for safety, it unfortunately often becomes the self-fulfilling prophecy. Pushing someone far enough away where the other becomes in some way put off in response. This often serves to create the painful arm's distance, or setting up the disappointment, loss, abandonment that is so greatly feared.

Moving Forward From Self-Sabotage and Increasing Self-Worth

Self-sabotage validates and perpetuates low self-worth, and vice versa. It is possible to break out of this cycle and increase your self-worth. It starts with acknowledging the patterns and seeing them starting to play out without having to act on them, and getting to know on a deeper level what is feeding them. It is common in fact for the patterns to be played out in the therapy, which gives us a chance to respond to them in real time. The first step is simply knowing you want to move forward from these patterns.

#Depression #MentalHealth #Selfworth #selfsabotage #Trauma #Anxiety #Abuse #neglect

As an adult I suspected myself being autistic for a long time. Since I haven't been tested I couldn't officially say that I have autism. I was exploring myself and looking at my behaviour. Later I recognised several things which were obvious from my childhood - some by myself and some with my psychotherapist.

There was a moment last year when I decided I will pay testing, all protocol etc. When I mentioned all of that to my ex-psychiatrist the torture began. She often made me feel guilty, she would say "Your parents would notice if something was wrong" -well they wouldn't as they abused me whole my life and that's just stupid conclusion to be light in description... and "Poor kids, they must wait to be tested while you pay it and get tested. It's modern to have an autism nowadays." She also once talked about me, before me, with only me and her in her office like "some people cannot accept they have a personality disorder so they try to find other diagnosis".

She was repeatedly talking like that to me that every next appointment felt like an end of the world. I felt awful, guilty and ashamed. I was afraid and anxious of what is next that she is gonna tell me. I was and I am powerless when she is involved in my "healing" but I changed psychiatrist for differential diagnosis and she didn't want to even read my several pages result of autism tests, she was implying that I bought a diagnosis. How dare she?

Only thing that relieved me was that by the law I can't have two psychiatrists and I was freed from her. Even though time passed since she abused me for months and later for several weeks on psych ward I still have her in my nightmares, I developed medical trauma.

I don't trust doctors who never abused me or guilt tripped me anymore. I always expect the same treatment like hers. Words hurt more that being physically beaten and leave marks on mental and emotional health.

In Croatia only children up to 18yo can have free testing for autism. Adults need to pay. My intention was to get answers not benefits because my life with autism is everything except being trendy cool disorder as psychiatrist implied. I payed testing from my money from my then job. She asked so many questions and yes I had answers. Yes I advised with one person about testing from Faculty of Education and Rehabilitation Sciences. I did their screening test and other more detailed screening test from psychologist who has many years of experience and who did tests.

But in the end that wasn't important. That psychiatrist helped me with her behaving and abuse to develop medical trauma. Besides that I was abused in every official possible form though my life and she was like a cherry on top of my trauma 9 layer cake.

When she asked me about genetical testing I said I did it in public hospital because it was totally valid by my pharmacologist and that isn't valid test for her. She questioned my other genetical testing which payed Croatin Health Insurance Fund based on conclusion of genetics and metabolics diseases doctor commission. But yet that was also something she didn't get.

In many ways she abused patients on psych ward which I witnessed and other told me some things. I was retraumatised from domestic violence so my cPTSD and anorexia went out of control for zillionth time so I ended up on psych ward and again she was treating me. It's like a curse because she will always treat you in mental hospital on closed ward if she was your doctor at first admission. She would scream at patients to stop thinking about traumatic memories immediately after she activated their traumatic memories by direct and intentional questions, she would scream at girl because she was having panic attack and more she screamed the girl cried more. That doctor would scream at me, threaten me and in my 40 day hospital stay she only once speak to me like a human, let's say it wasn't screaming and threatening involved.

She never ever took my valid autism diagnosis confirmed by my current psychiatrist in list of my diagnoses, nurses would push me to dining hall to eat but I couldn't, they tortured me in one way that I felt so ashamed. I hated every day spent in that hospital. Once in morning visit after psychiatrist had one of her anger episodes towards me I then yelled at her "do you know what is it to have anorexia for 20 years?" while she was leaving my room being so ignorant and egoistic. I hated sound of her walk through the ward. I would panic every time or dissociate.

Whenever she felt powerless she would scream and threaten, her humanity doesn't exist. She would show her egoisitc manners towards most of her patients. We couldn't make a report about her because she would be the first one who would read it and probably punish us all patients who made valid complaints.

I remember every morning in her visitations that I would tremble, I would be on edge of panic attack, she thought that she is punishing me with NG tube and said "have you ever had a tube? Was it nice?" Like... She felt so powerless when she couldn't force someone to something and then punishment goes often by words, prohibiting things, insulting etc.

No matter which degree you have you can be a doctor or whatever but if you're narcissistic and abusive and in addition when you can't force psych patient to change or force others to do what you want then your place isn't to work with people. You should be moved to job where you can't hurt anyone and abuse them. In the end that is breaking the law. I have angriness towards her and what she did to me and how her "treatment" caused medical trauma in my life.

She can't stand others having different opinion than her. She will brush off diagnoses if that's not what she thinks even if it is confirmed by psychiatrist and totally valid. She lied in my medical paper when I was leaving hospital that in last appointment I was okay. That's not true because I was talking about terror of being again back to my parents due my arm injury and eventual loss of job and apartment. I was getting more panic with them because I grew up in domestic violence which never ended and my cPTSD was worse. In that previous record she wrote some things that I'm doing worse... but now I have her lies on paper, black on white. Those who lie make mistakes because they can't remember everything they lied so yeah you betray your fake mess.

I was completely sure she will give me a diagnosis of personality disorder which showed true but she crossed several things in law about persons with mental illnesses. She gave me diagnosis of emotionally unstable personality which I most surely don't have based on my current psychiatrist and she did it without continuous monitoring me through months without any valid reason. I even asked her for re-evaluation but she didn't want that. She isn't educaded about newest scientific proofs and findings in medicine because she is the smartest and she knows everything, she can't be wrong. I was treated for depression but I came for my cPTSD. She conditioned me that we can talk if I start eating. Even though I did start eating she never talked with me properly and never worked on my problems of PTSD.

She betrayed her role as medical doctor and psychiatrist firstly and betrayed her patients which majority of them went through abuse and don't need abuse from someone who's supposed to help them and be gentle. Hospitals should be safe places but this is nightmare. In the end I forced myself to behave exactly as she wants just to let me go because I couldn't stand that "treatment". Mentally I was buried and I came already dead-that's simmilar to what I said one of the nurses on ward. She looked at me like and said nothing. Nurses are another story of not helping and showing humanity, most of them working on that ward. You can die and they wouldn't know because they mostly just sit in their room, smoke and laugh and drink coffee. For most of them accountability is non identified subject. #psychabuse