Abuse

I am going to share something that has changed my life forever. To some it might sound like a lie, before reading I want to add a big trigger warning for: self-harm, attempted murder, mental abuse, murder of animal, blood

On Christmas 2024 I was in Romania with family. Everyone was sleeping expect for me and my aunt. She drank that night and we were having a deep talk. She told me about her life in the past and I hugged her. I felt comfortable with sharing my scars that I had on my leg. Her reaction was so cruel I will never forget.

She started laughing and asked me if I wanted more scars. After i shook my head she said we should go out and smoke a cigarette. We went out and I saw her taking knives with her. 3 to be exact wrapped in a towel. When I saw it I went to the bathroom and texted a close friend of mine but got no answer. I went back to see her in the room where they killed a pig since that is tradition in Romania.

I would like to explain the view I had. You enter the kitchen and on your left there is a wall aready, in front of you there is a big stove from old times with a fireplace etc. On the right there is a sofa with a table next to it. Pig parts hanging on ropes like wet clothes you put out to try and instead of water dripping on the floor it was blood. There was blood everywhere. My aunt was sitting there smoking with the knives placed next to her.

She took one knife out and told me to hurt myself infront of her. After I obvs said no she pulled her pants down and started cutting herself. I was forced to watch her because otherwise she would cut herself more. The third time she cut herself she took a bigger knife and thats when I finally found my words to tell her to stop. Then she looked at me and placed the knife on her throat forcing me to kill her. She repeated herself multiple times telling me to kill her.

I left the room and she followed me outside whispering like a creep that I should talk to her because she is there for me. I told her I was going to sleep but I didnt sleep all night. Instead I was looking for numbers, websites, chats to get help somehow. In the morning I asked me sister to get me to our apartment since it took place at my grandmas place. She didnt take me and i didnt want to tell her what happend.

I couldnt eat anything that day and grandma got worried. Later that day my aunt apologised as if she didnt traumatise me forever. I told my sister and then we left. I texted my aunt and I told her that I want nothing to do with her anymore. Until this day I think about it.

My mind went crazy and I even thought about what wouldve happened if I did it. I had the chance and it could look like suicide. I am not a murderer and Im not having these kinds of thoughts anymore. Today I just hate her and I will never face or speak to her again.

I want to go back to Romania but I went there last year and got anxiety like really bad. I felt nauseous and fainted. Im afraid I can never go back there and honestly I dont think I can nor want to. The only thing I miss is the puppy we got there last year. I want to see him again because he brought me so much joy.

Is it trauma? Is it PTSD? I dont know but again it feels good being able to write this detailed and how its not affecting me as much as it used to be.
Thank you for your time reading this.

#MentalHealth #Depression #PTSD #Recovery #Anxiety #Trauma

Hi, my name is AnneL. I'm here because I am asurvivor of sexual, emotional, and mental abuse, raised in a dysfunctional home who unfortunately didn’t get help and while not continuing the sexual abuse, was neglectful, physically abusive for a period of time, and damaged my adult children, who I now see passing some of the dysfunction on. I want to learn how to help my children heal from my actions, learn how to have healthy relationships, and heal myself.

#MightyTogether #PTSD #Depression

Another post by The Self:

When I raise something calmly and you immediately say, “I guess I’m the worst person ever,” the conversation has already been hijacked.

Because now we are not talking about what happened. We are talking about how bad you feel for being told it happened.

Now I am expected to reassure you. Soften it. Take it back. Prove I do not hate you. Prove I am not attacking you. Prove I still think you are a good person. And somehow, my hurt disappears under the weight of your reaction.

That is not accountability.
That is emotional deflection.

“I can never do anything right.”

“I’ll just stop trying then.”

“It’s all my fault.”

“You sort it out yourself then.”

“I won’t bother anymore.”

“I’m a bad parent.”

Those sentences might sound like guilt, but they often function like control. They pull the focus away from the behaviour and place it back onto the person who was brave enough to name it.

So here is what I am learning to say:

“I am not calling you the worst person ever. I am naming one thing that hurt me. Please stay with that.”

“I am not asking you to collapse. I am asking you to listen.”

“This is not about you hating yourself. This is about whether you are willing to understand the impact.”

“I am not going to comfort you out of accountability.”

“If you need a break, take one. But I am not taking back what I said just because it made you uncomfortable.”

Because a boundary is not an attack.
A feeling is not cruelty.
A hard conversation is not abuse just because it requires someone to look at their behaviour.

Real repair does not sound like, “Fine, I’ll never try again.”

Real repair sounds like, “I hear you. I did not realise that hurt you. I need to sit with that. I want to do better.”

There is a difference between remorse and self-pity.

Remorse makes room for the person who was hurt.
Self-pity makes the hurt person do more emotional labour.

And I am done abandoning myself in the middle of conversations just to rescue someone from the discomfort of being accountable.

If I bring up pain and you turn it into a performance of your own suffering, I do not have to follow you there.

I can stay with the truth.
I can stay with what happened.
I can stay with myself.

Because I am not responsible for managing the shame you feel when I finally stop pretending your behaviour did not hurt me.

#emotionalmanipulation #accountability #gaslighting #emotionalabuse #toxicrelationships #toxicfamily #narcissisticabuse #cptsd #complextrauma #boundaries #selftrust #traumahealing #healingjourney #emotionalmaturity #theself

Hi, my name is Vicky Leon. I'm here because I survived a narcissistic relationship and instead of waiting until I was healed to speak, I started building in public. I write about sovereignty, narcissistic abuse recovery, and the forensic patterns that keep women small. I coined the term Ghostlighting, a manipulation pattern distinct from gaslighting, where someone erases your reality through absence rather than attack. I'm the founder of The Truth Club, host of The Truth Club podcast, and author of the novel The Thread Ruby. I believe words are the beginning of sovereignty and I'm here to give you the ones you've been missing.

When you're talkin' to everyone

And they look through you

As if you aren't there

The shame burns, feeling like a fool

You should have known

That this place is a loaded gun

Blasting your issues into your brain

You know that you are better off shunned

Ancient wounds have me old before my time

But I'm too young to harden my heart

Young at heart as I turn to stone

Must keep my mind from flying apart

I don't know what you want from me

Or why you attack my thoughts and dreams

I stand before you all, my throat bared

This place compels me to share everything

Because my mind is bleeding

I wish I could keep it inside

Wish that no one was ever annoyed

By the words that wash an endless infection

From the hopes of a long gone little boy

Still talkin' to everyone

And I'm an echo or a ghost

I know what you want from me

Order to my thoughts and dreams

To stand before you all, my throat scarred

From abuse enforcing conformity

But sunshine doesn't bleed from me

I think of all the reasons

That I do not belong

Why do I stand here, neck deep in my own wounds?

What curse lies upon this place?

Maybe it had the scent of a safe glade

Where I could shed my skin.

Beneath my hide the monster hid

The scent was threatening, carnage in the air

The trap sprung as I spewed words unsafe, @everyone beware

The mods surrounded me with sharpened words

"This place is safe for us, not you, you who bears this curse."

I failed to fit

Too many times to ever return

Every try sees another bridge burn

I fled in the tatters of my skin

Bearing the weight of a grievous sin

I made others feel uncomfortable

While their attacks on me the mods ignored

The double standard a punishment I deserve

The wounded cannot be welcomed anywhere

When the lights are strange in haunted eyes

And the blood stains pages upon pages until we know why

I wander, on and on

Searching for a place beyond

The grind

The pitiless grind

Of people

I knew that I would not belong

Was it foolish to even try?

All I've ever known is rejection

As my hopes have slowly died.

Based on "Estranged," by Guns 'n' Roses. It describes my experiences at a Discord server.

#Depression #Trauma #Suicide #PTSD #MentalHealth #MightyPoets

Work has its perks

WE'RE HEALTHY

and there's life for moments without the jerks

The sunny Spring paths or icy drIFTS

Are challenge that's fun

The walks by waterfalls and parks

Should always be

I'M GREETED BY A PUN

AND SOME time in the sun

The pain or bus travel is undone

There's enough for snacks n presents

And books n pics on the table

Abuse subsides n people are free for a while

There's music in the lobby

People flying along piano keys like home

Even walks for those walker or wheelchair bound

N small duties cared for and possibly recognized

But I am also worthless at times

Except for my iced coffee n chicken sandwiches

And no one knows the SI at worthlessness

But him and him and you