Words Not To Say To The Ones Struggling
Content warning: This piece discusses emotional abuse, invalidation, and harmful language.
I am not a licensed therapist or a journalist. I’m just someone who has lived through trauma, been on the receiving end of these words, and knows how deeply they can cut. My hope in writing this is not to condemn everyone who’s ever said something wrong, but to shed light on how easily well-meaning words can turn into lasting scars, and to help us all do better.
Before I begin, I want to preface this by saying, I’m not some journalist who’s done a bunch of research on this topic. I’m not someone who knows a few people who’ve been through similar things, yada yada. I’m someone who’s lived through this. I’ve heard these things firsthand and know how awful words can be.
Just because words can hurt you doesn’t mean you’re sensitive, and just because you’re sensitive doesn’t mean you’re weaker than someone who doesn’t flinch. Those people who never flinch? I’d hate to be them.
“Other People Have It Worse.”
A phrase I’ve written poems about. A phrase said by the abused and the abuser, the mistreated and the ones who mistreat. As if pain can be compared. As if suffering has a scoreboard.
These five words? They’re like throwing acid on a burn victim.
I bet some of you have even had your pain compared to world hunger, terrorism, or human trafficking. You know… like that’s helpful.
But a battle is a battle.
Wounds of any size or shape still bleed.
We were each given our own eyes to see this world and our own minds to process what we’re seeing. Imagine going through life believing your problems are too small to matter, that no one will care. That belief alone can break a person.
“Are You Just Going to Keep Playing the Victim?”
This one hit me hard. It’s one of the ones I heard the most growing up.
As if being a victim is some role you chose in a movie. As if you can just rip the pages of misery out of your book like they never happened.
The people who use this phrase? They’re either hardened by their own battles, raised without empathy, or they’re the ones out there creating victims.
Even as a joke, these words hurt. Be careful what you say.
Being a victim isn’t a choice. But here’s something beautiful, if you’re like me, and you were a victim… notice that? I said were. Because “victim” is not your name. It’s not your identity. It’s a skin you can shed.
Think of it as a cocoon. And yeah, technically a few types of insects come out of those, but for the sake of this article? Let’s go with butterfly.
“It Could Be Worse.”
I’ll keep this one short. It’s a cousin to the first phrase, and just as harmful. It’s another way of telling someone, “Your pain doesn’t matter enough.”
Once again, it’s judgment from the outside with zero understanding of what’s going on inside. What might be nothing to you could be everything to someone else.
“We All Have Problems.”
Sure, we do. Every single one of us.
And some people’s problem is refusing to admit that everyone’s pain is valid.
Feelings aren’t measured in units. They’re part of being human.
It doesn’t matter your gender, race, background, or story, pain is still pain. And no two problems are alike. So stop pretending they’re supposed to be.
“Everything Happens for a Reason.”
Another classic. You’ve heard it. I’ve heard it. I even centered another piece of writing around this one.
Here’s my truth:
No, not everything happens for a reason. But that doesn’t mean we can’t make one.
There’s no reason your mom had to die of cancer. No reason you got into that accident. No reason you lost your job.
But you’re here. And you can take that pain and create reason.
You can give the meaningless meaning.
There was no good reason for the abuse I endured, but I’ve used it. As fuel. As drive. As something that now powers the words I write for people like me… and maybe like you.
Because someday? Just maybe? We’ll be so educated, so connected, so aware, that things like this won’t happen anymore. And if not, well… I’ll keep writing. I’ll keep speaking. I’ll do my part to make sure there’s media out there for the ones who need it.
“You Just Need to Stay Positive.”
People out here really acting like moods are optional.
Like you can wake up and choose them like you choose your socks.
Yeah, sure. Try telling someone with depression to just “stay positive.”
Try telling someone who lost their mom, got dumped, or can’t get out of bed.
It might be said with good intentions, but it still invalidates.
And yeah, I’m sarcastic about this one. Not sorry. Sometimes sarcasm is all you’ve got when people are trying to slap a smiley face over your grief.
“Man Up.”
Another phrase that gets sarcasm instead of wisdom.
As if being a “man” is the standard for strength and emotional resilience.
This phrase isn’t just sexist, it’s toxic for everyone.
It shames men for feeling. It tells women their softness makes them weak. It erases nonbinary people entirely. I’ve heard this phrase my whole life. And only recently have I begun to unlearn it.
Now? I feel things. And I’m proud of that.
“This Will Pass.” (When Said Right)
This one’s not inherently bad. In fact, it can be comforting, if you say it the right way.
If someone’s going through a tough season, don’t just throw out “This will pass” like a dismissive shrug. Add the humanity to it.
Say something like:
“I know what you’re feeling. I know it hurts, and I know how overwhelming it is. But this pain? It’s temporary. It won’t last forever. You’ll get through it, and I’ll be here if you need someone to walk with you.”
That’s how you use words. Not as a patch, but as a hand to hold.
Final Thoughts
The point of this article wasn’t to list every harmful phrase in existence. It was to offer enough examples that if you’re someone who’s struggling, or has struggled, you’ll recognize that the things you’ve been told aren’t your truth.
And if you’re someone who struggles with empathy? Maybe you’re not reading this.
But if you are, maybe it means you want to do better.
So do it.
Words aren’t just words.
They’re how we express what we feel, and how we show others what they mean to us.
Use them wisely. Use them kindly.
And above all, use them to heal.
#MentalHealth #Grief
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