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Why don't I feel anything? #TW #Selfharm #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

It's been 5 days now since I tried to end me and took a bunch of pain killers. It obviously didn't work since I'm here typing about it.
I've struggled all my life with this empty feeling and not being good enough for anybody including my family, even if some express that they love very much. I was sent to see a psychologist after my school found out I was self harming. But my mom never really followed up with the recommendation. I thought I had gotten better but it just never seems to go away.
Recently (about 5 yrs ago) I've been having more problems that I seem to not be able to control. I must admit that I've always engaged in reckless behavior from drinking too much, used drugs, got involved in street racing or just driving super fast at night when the streets seem empty, just to get a thrill and feel adrenaline or something.
When I was younger it didn't seem like a problem. I did some stupid things but it didn't seem too bad. I would lash out at my mom sometimes and have some behavior problems. My family always said it was because of my age and that it was normal to go through these type of things. But deep down I always knew something was not okay.
My boyfriend of 10 years just broke up with me 2 weeks ago. And I feel like I lost a part of me. Our relationship wasn't easy and we could get in very bad arguments, so bad that we've got physical in 2 occasions. But we still had very good time together and we shared so many things. I always felt he was the only one that really understood me. Now I'm fighting the urge to call him and tell him to come back and that o don't want to loose my best friend. LOL I actually did try but got ignored and he hung up.
Ever since I actually woke up from my potential OD, nothing feels real, I don't feel sad, angry, not even disappointed or remorseful for what I did.
What is wrong with me? Why don't I feel something?

10 reactions 4 comments

A poem on feeling ignored by this planet | TW for ignorance and misrepresentation on different topics, swearing, the word k*ll (i)

It hurts,
It fucking hurts.
It kills,
It always did.
Sad excuses left and right,
Ignorance is left to bite…
And Us.

“Systems and plurals are crazy,”
According to this planet.
“There’s only men and women,”
According to this planet.
“There’s only heterosexuality,”
According to this planet.
“Sex define your gender identity,”
According to this planet.
“There’s only monogamy and monoamory,”
According to this planet.
“White folk deserve more than those of color,”
According to this planet.
“There’s only romance and friendship,”
According to this planet.

“Everyone’s autism is a disorder or disability,”
According to this damn planet.
“Neurodivergent folks are too loud,”
According to this damn planet.
“Fat folks are a joke,”
According to this damn planet.
“Sex and romance and love is natural among all beings,”
According to this damn planet.
“Adults can’t cry,”
According to this damn planet.
“Mental health is selfish,”
According to this damn planet.
“Trigger warnings are a joke,”
According to this damn planet.
“You should stop being poor and pay more,”
According to this damn planet.
“Everyone should identify as a human being and alterbeings, otherkin, and fictionkin folks are snowflakes and ‘cringe-worthy’,”
According to this damn planet.
“Anything that is not seen as ‘normal’ or not common should be stigmatized and criticized until it makes other folk want to closet themselves for eternity and be forced into this void of hell called “being like everyone else’,”
According to this damn forsaken planet.

Past mother’s self,
Mentally abusive.
Keeps me up,
As thoughts are still intrusive.
New mother’s self,
No longer abusive,
Past mother keeps me up,
As they are still intrusive.

Fuck ignorance.
What’s it ever done to us?
Take the Mars and Venus symbol,
Combine them together,
And destroy it altogether.
Neither are truly me.
Take the “human” label and wash it away,
And don’t tell me I’m human,
Else I will cry,
I’ve cried too much.
Alterbeings exist anyway.
An alien hybrid trapped in this damn realm called Earth,
I love space,
I miss my home,
It was much more quieter than here,
Much more sensical than here,
Much more reasonable than here,
Much… less ignorant.

Than here.


I am a non-binary transmasc overweight individual who is part of a system/plural. My pronouns are he/they/it, and some others. I do not identify as a human, I am alterhuman/alterbeing, although I still identify as someone of color. I’m black/mixed. I have 6 non-romantic partners who I all love equally with my entire heart and are also part of the same system I’m a part of, they are as real as ever. Also, I despise my autism being called a disorder or disability.

And I’m so sick of feeling ignored, and of what Earth had to offer for the past 20 years of my life on its ground. Thank you.

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #nonbinary #LGBTQIA #ignorance #Poem #Vent #TW #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #Alterhuman #otherkin #Racism #Capitalism #Trauma #Polyamory #system #plural #EndTheStigma #GenderIdentity #GenderDysphoria #MentalHealth #Awareness #earth #Homesick #StopSilencingUs

13 reactions 3 comments

Moving from Lexapro to Zoloft Tw: suicidality mention

About 4 weeks ago I started Zoloft and stopped taking Lexapro.

The first three days were horrible. I felt like I did when I had a bad reaction to an antibiotic, and felt suicidal for the first time in years.

Called and left a message at my psychiatrist's office with no reply.

I am on a 25 mg dose and have tried taking two, bumping up to 50 and felt *almost* ok, have been toughing it out for the last few weeks.

Work has been exhausting and I'm afraid. I have not been myself.

I am hoping that my appointment will see an increase to 50 or 100, since 25 is not helping handle things at all.

#Zoloft #Sertraline #MajorDepression #TW

1 comment

Hi! #TW

Hey everyone. I'm glad this exists, I really do because I've been struggling pretty bad. I suffer from PTSD from different situations, death, sexual abuse and abandonment. I'm feeling pretty angry right now actually, because I'm sick with these thoughts. It's really made me dislike my mind with these intrusive thoughts and nightmares. I have nightmares of my sexual abuser apologizing, or interfering on my life, and I wake up in a panic not even being able to work sometimes. I'm sick with this struggle, because I can't talk about it. I feel like other struggles can be spoken about, and I hate thinking this way. I hate comparing my situations to others, but my brain does anyway. It looks at the difference between when I vent about such a taboo subject and how no one can help me, and they don't know how. And we can't talk about it too much. And we have to tiptoe around it. And we feel dirty, and nasty, and weird. Why did my brain compare my relationship to my father compared to others? My father betrayed me in every way possible. When someone's father passes away, my heart aches, but wonders... what does it feel like to feel that pain because of such a close bond? What's that like to have a father that didn't traumatize you, but loved you unconditionally? I feel so jipped sometimes. I want to mourn his loss instead of being okay with his passing because he ruined my innocence, and I'm sick about this and sometimes I wish my relationships matched how I see myself. I see myself as someone who deserved that. I'm kind and have so much love to give and was given a sick situation that I have to live with for the rest of my life and don't know how.

I don't know what I'm asking for or looking for, but I guess I just want to say that I'm sorry to everyone in this group because you all deserved so much better. This community feels accepting, and I think even something like this is comforting.


why degendering is not okay nomatter what #lbgtqia #queerandautistic #Pride #Gay #antihomophobic #TW #Identity first #AutismPride

SO i have this teacher who dicided to degender her amasing studend named lili (not real name)lili was also on multipule ocasines deadnamed.

sadly this is not the first time this has happened nore willl it be the last.

I Know of a kid who makes me degender (insert pronoun) becouse of transphobic parents.this kid is a lovly kid but is closeted due to faimly.

more public examples are JKR aka the auther we want to froget

please make a afert not to dengender people.


What do I do to change the way I think/am?

I’m a woman and happy to be one. But, when I have sexual feelings and act on them, I hate myself and my ‘womanhood’. I know it stems from the abuse I went through when I was a child. But I hate myself for it. I want a boyfriend and baby one day but I’m bad at relationships. I tried to tell my counsellor how I’ve been feeling and I don’t think she really understood me. Inside I feel dirty and it’s all because I was engaged in sexual acts from before my time and addicted to those feelings as a kid. I feel worthless (but I know I’m not) and I feel confused. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Any advice is welcomed.

Thank you 🤍 #TW


#TW : #Selfharm , #SuicidalIdeation #Depression #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety

Hi, I'm looking for help or some love because I feel I can't find it where Im right now and Im scare of what I could do to myself.
Sorry, this will be long, and I'm not native speaker.
Lastnight I had a big fight with my brother.
I've been in a deep depression crisis since January 2020 and the last two months I have made a huge effort to get out of this crisis and getting up day after day is a titanic task, just last week I could not get out of bed for several days and suffered panic attacks while I had sleep paralysis, my family thought I was convulsing. however I try to get up early in the morning every day and clean my house. Yesterday was one of those days that I made it. I even made lunch for everyone at home, after that I was too exhausted to even eat what I had cooked so I stopped. By the time my brother came home he made a comment about how "dirty I always am and that I never do anything". that there was a dirty plate and that it was surely mine because I never washed a plate. That made me lose all my consciousness because I had even washed his dirty clothes but he only focused on my bad days.
It is already too difficult to try to have a good day so that he despises everything and simply says that Im lazy and useless. It makes me think that no matter how hard I try Ill never recover and that I can only be the crazy one in the family. He even said (I can't get this sentence out of my head and He's not the first to say it to me) that I'm only good at trying to kill myself.
A part of me tried to defend myself and explain to him that it was not right to say those things about me, it was not true and also it was not fair because I am making too great an effort to recover and that did not help at all. I knew that I did not deserve that they only count the things that I do well or badly( but in my house the culture is very ableist and since this depressive crisis began I have not been able to work because I am not able to maintain a work ) While I was fighting with my brother he insisted on taking out everything and since most of my days were bad and that he always said that I was sick I was in bed for weeks. That made everything worse and I got very aggressive and tried to hit him, to which he responded with more. When my parents tried to separate us, he blamed me for everything, he said that I was crazy and that I'm the reason why all things ended badly at home. After that, all I remember is being alone in my room, hurting my legs with fury, my arms were already bleeding and I just wanted to have enough strength to end my life once and for all. I've been crying all night and I can't get suicidal thoughts out of my head. It is already difficult to fight against them, but someone else pushing you towards them is something that I can't handle. I'm afraid and very tired, I just want this fight of more than 10 years to end.


Not good enough #TW

I feel like crap, to be honest.
I have not been diagnosed with an eating disorder as I am currently waiting for my referal for the ED clinic. They said they're extremely busy at the moment, so god knows when I'll hear from then. But until then, I find myself lost deep within ED tumblr on a daily, constantly finding others who are restricting themselves with foods to see whether my weight is valid. I don't know who I am anymore. I want to be skinny, I want to be good enough. I want BPD to go away too, I've found myself impulsively piercing my own ear twice today, and eating far too much which I now regret and feel as though I should harm myself because of it. I think because I do not yet have a diagnosis, it is constantly on my mind the questioning of "what is wrong with me?", maybe nothing is wrong with me, but I do not wish to feel like this any longer.

#EatingDisorders #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder


Here we go again... #TW

The Mighty, it's been a while.
Since my last post, I have been prescribed anti-depressants, and today I had my review in which my dosage was increased. I've recently relapsed regarding self harm, and feel as though my life is spiralling out of control. I have been referred to an eating disorder clinic, began to weigh myself on a daily, and felt as though all the progress I made with my attempt to love myself has soon gone to waste.

I was doing so well, I made it to one year self harm free, maintained a healthy weight, quit smoking for 6 months. And now here we are again, stuck in the rut of the black hole we call BPD.

When does it end? Does it ever get better? What can I do to give myself hope whilst furloughed and living every day as though it is the same.

I beg, anyone. Please send me messages of hope, recommended videos to inspire me search for my self love. Anything at all, before I give up.



Having a hard time at work

I’m an essential retail worker and have been continuing with work without interruption throughout everything that has been happening. Now that things have improved a lot where I am, there is really no restrictions in place and so the Christmas rush is on.

I have been getting a lot more hours than I ever have and I am really getting stressed out by it. I just want a break, I’m so tired, but the only thing I can do really is call in sick now and then because I really don’t want to disclose my illness - I have had that cause issue in the past.

It’s not just the stressful Christmas period that anyone who works or worked in retail would know all about. It’s also that I’m very, very unhappy in my current workplace. I feel unappreciated and surreptitiously (sometimes overtly) bullied, even though I do the best I can. Sometimes I want to shout at them that I’m mentally ill and I’m doing everything I can, and their attitude isn’t helping anything. But I can’t, of course. Maybe it would be okay if I could work in a section that would require less interaction, but I think the Christmas period is not the time to ask for a shift that would require a bit of training to be done.

I’ve been dealing with suicidal ideation, disordered thinking, and a mixed symptoms (bipolar II) on a more frequent basis than ever. I have things keeping me alive and I hope that when those things are through with, I will be in a better place mentally. I’m just so tired.

#BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #Workstress #TriggerWarnings #SuicidalThoughts #TW #triggerwarningsuicide #triggerwarningsuicidal