bipolar type I

I’ve always struggled with low self-esteem. Thanks to a toxic home environment and being chronically bullied growing up, my self-esteem was non-existent for most of my life. I began to seriously work on it several years, and I’ve come a long way. It’s been a long, tough road learning unlearning so much. And I still have much work to do. But I wonder: could I ever have good self-esteem and have Bipolar 1 at the same time? Is chronic self-doubt common for anyone with bipolar? Because sometimes when I feel my self-esteem and self-respect improving, it also leads to a manic episode. When this happened last year, I thought I was a genius and even became super paranoid; hospitalization for me was a strong possibility. I want to feel better about myself, have more self-respect, and be more confident. But how can I do that and not trigger any episodes?
#BipolarDisorder #Bipolar1Disorder #lowselfesteem #Selfesteem #Confidence #Mania #Paranoia #manicdepression #BipolarTypeI

***trigger warning domestic/ritualistic abuse***
I just moved out of state with my mom. I called ahead to get supports set up, as I knew they would be crucial to my wellbeing. I waited weeks for my 3 hour assessment, which concluded that I have the same diagnosis I had before, and made me eligible for therapy. Have to have 2 therapy sessions to be eligible for seeing a psychiatrist. Had session with new therapist, and did not get a good feeling about working with her. Attended Zoom group therapy session, and was horribly triggered by the stimulus of multiple people at once. ***trigger warning for brainwashing abuse*** My worst abuser was using brainwashing techniques on me, and one of them is to overwhelm the subject and force them to endure multiple stimulus to break them down. He would get me worked up into a fear state, then tell me that I had to pay close attention to tell him the lessons in the 2 movies he made me watch at once, up close to the screen and loud on headphones. It was awful. My prexisting PTSD kept me in hyper vigilance, so I absorbed the stimulus deeply, frantically trying to find the right answer to give, in hopes that he would leave me alone for a while if I answered correctly. So much more I could say here, and actually the first time I have spoken about that part.

Needless to say, I’m triggered and having nightmares again, and in a bad depression now, complete with tears streaming down my face. I don’t feel like I can handle group support online. I don’t have a relationship with a therapist. Feeling very lonely.

I've never felt like this before. I have bipolar 1 but for the last week I have been suicidal, angry, not sleeping, running as the only way to calm my restless legs and happy. I just cycle through these extreme emotions all day. I keep exercising but I still feel an uncomfortable amount of energy. I am getting so frustrated. My hallucinations are all back and I'm scared they'll never go away again. I don't want to deal with this crap #BipolarTypeI

I feel like my emotional state has improved greatly, but I’m still acting the same as when I was rapid cycling. I feel like I’m in the eye of the storm, in a calm within a turmoil and chaos swirling about me. I go out almost every night, either because I have obligations or just to have fun. I can’t seem to stop. My suicidal ideations are mostly gone, and I’m not doing anything that is otherwise dangerous. I simultaneously have no energy, but am too restless to stay home. I miss my partner, with whom I live with, but I never see. It feels like I’m watching myself from above, in a safe bubble, but with no control over my behaviors. Does anyone else with #BipolarDisorder experience this? #BipolarTypeI #Mania #BipolarDepression

I had been rapid cycling for months now, to the point where I was worried I would never know what it was like to be “normal”. Now my meds have been adjusted and I feel pretty calm, I just wish I had some kind of reassurance that my meds will work without me having to change them again within the year. Any support is welcome. Thanks. #BipolarDisorder #BipolarTypeI #RapidCyclingBipolar

I’ve finally decided to take my husband to my psychiatric appts with me. I’m glad I did. He was able to give my doctor enough info to fully solidify his Bipolar I diagnosis. While this disorder terrifies me and makes me sad I didn’t know sooner, I am glad he was able to share what insight he had to help my doctor help me. If you have a loved one, try taking them to an appt so they can help fill in the blanks you may have forgotten or (gulp) didn’t even know. #BipolarTypeI #BipolarDisorder #DoctorVisit #Lovedones

When confronted with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder it’s natural and normal to have a mixed reaction of emotions. The disorder itself pervades our every waking (and often sleeping!) moments and can leave many feeling frightened, inadequate and somehow broken.

I’ve lived with bipolar type 1 (with psychosis) for many years and it’s only been in the past year that I’ve been able to say I love living with this disorder. What?! Have I lost it?! No. But I have learned to see the beauty in bipolar disorder and trust me it is there. The strengths and gifts that it gives us can be used to our advantage. We can become highly creative and deeply passionate people. We see the world in a bright intensity that often leaves us breathless.

I’m not saying there aren’t challenges. There are. And some days are harder than others. But learning to harness this little beast in our lives gives us great freedom and power. We can share the beauty of bipolar with others; help them see the gifts it gives us individually as well as learn to ride the storms of trouble that sometimes brew.

Today is a new day. If you have , take a moment to brainstorm one thing this disorder has given you, and thank it. Run with it. Love it.