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On Finding Magic Once Again

There’s something about the arts that gives it an illusory, magical quality. There’s always been a reason why I am attracted to well-done theater, a spellbinding book, an emotionally cathartic poem, a pensive song.

The expressive arts is a charm that is cast over many others like me. We aim to capture the human experience in the best words. The best way possible. There is a quote on my personal website that I have searched and searched for by Octavio Paz. It hints at art being a product of aesthetics, which is in turn a product of philosophy.

“What we call art is a game,” Paz said.

To me, art is about reinvention. You can never have too much stories or songs in my opinion because the world and everyone in it is always changing. Maybe I don’t remember much about my relationships or my childhood because I escaped so easily into a book or drawing something (badly, I would like to admit). But what I do remember is the moments when a book or a song made me change the way I think once again.

To be honest, I’ve gone through the reinvention phase again. Because my hair cannot grow fast enough, I bought a wig and posed in silly ways with silly filters. I felt like a child who found their mother’s red lipstick for the first time. I would lip sync to an old emo song I knew or wear my glasses and pretend that I was an emo version of Jessica Day (from “New Girl”).

Being emo has always been at the heart of myself. Winter, just another season for bringing out my winter darks and the busying music of my Italian boots. I went to my first private tutoring session blasting Violet Orlandi’s cover music through open car windows.

Magic makes us feel liberated in a world where structures aim to keep us down and numb. Not saying that I did a perfect job at my first tutoring session on my own, but I walked away thinking that my sense of autonomy is growing. The independence I feel at the corners of myself is slowly morphing into a network of good people and confidence.

Occasionally, I’ll doubt myself. But my magical self will say, “It’s okay to think that, Taylor.”

“But can you imagine what life would be like if that wasn’t true? If you were to succeed and more?”

Part of my bipolar mind wants to control everything. From my weight and diet to my work schedule. Manias are often me losing an incredible amount of sleep just to create anything that will last forever–then me crashing because I wasn’t successful with that. So, because I am teaching myself about the beauty of slow progress, I am taking the time to integrate grace, gratitude, and peace into my life.

I don’t have to schedule a heavy day of reading, writing, and research. I don’t have to exercise for an hour. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to. By seeing my productivity as a privilege, I start to welcome slowness. I start to weave intention into whatever walks into my life.

For example, there’s a guy that I like. But part of me is afraid that he does not make room for intention or stillness, that he makes work his whole identity because he wants to forget about the hard things he’s been through. There’s nothing wrong with that. But liking him–and I think he likes me for the breath of (moodily emo) air I am–has been like trying to corral a wild stallion into a corner.

Do I know just how dangerous that can be? Why on earth am I giving myself this impossible task of trying to get him to notice me, to ask me out, when I need to let my own wildness roam? If he wants to roam with me, then let him, my mind says. But don’t think that you both are trying to tame each other.

Someone once told me that introducing something new into your life should be regarded as a luxurious addition. It brings out the flavors you already have in your palette. Building a plate that does not have much (what my sister calls a scarcity model) and then bringing in something only emphasizes what you are lacking.

Because last month I was severely victimizing myself, I am finding magic in people once again. Building a healthy plate to eat from by establishing light-hearted but joyous relationships and mixing in a healthy amount of laughter and deep conversations. I am slowly looking at people not as what I lack but what their different perspective, if they are so willing, to add to my life.

This magical concoction is what I call not a cure, but an antidote to my loneliness. It heals and absolves the pain I went through before my thirties. It even sprinkles in a little bit of love and resilience and maturity so that I don’t make the same mistakes again.

This falling in love again and again and again is why I continue to believe in magic. It is why every time I get out of bed, I am not mourning the day already. There’s so much to do and so much not that by becoming stuck doesn’t seem like an option. Every day is an opportunity. And I will continue to fight. To let my magically rebellious heart win for once.

#Bipolar #BipolarDepression #bipolarmania #Hope #Magic #Healing #Therapy

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Living with Bipolar Disorder: Bipolar Mania and the 6 Months Being a Maniac #BipolarDisorder #bipolarmania #BipolarDisorderManicEpisode

I’m setting a new PB every day with the Manic phase and it’s duration. I’m seemingly unable to budge from what I can describe as not being full blown off the scale mania, but it’s severe enough to mean that I have had to finish work and leave my job of 8 years, I have only managed to get 2 baths in 2023 (I have a wash every day though), I’m not eating anything for 3 days or 50 hours at least then I have something to eat and then I have something else straight after and this repeats until I have eaten, for example, a bacon butty, packet of biscuits, chicken Kiev’s and chips, 3 corneto ice cream and drank 5 or 6 can of Diet Coke. I’m weighing myself each day and I’m not losing weight on the days of not eating. Recently my blood tests came back with high Thyroid level so may be that or maybe it’s just the bloody Quetiapine I am throwing down my neck. Nobody knows how it works after all.
My Quetiapine (300mg) at night is meant to help you sleep. I’m taking it at the moment and sleeping is replaced with restless legs and an inability to get comfy or sit still. My mind goes racing off in all directions with things that I need (or actually don’t need) to do. Playing out scenarios like I was attempting to complete every possibility and all of the outcomes across every alternate dimension across the universe.

You know when you get them moments of clarity in your mind, when the penny drops, it makes sense? It potentially gives you a bit of inspiration to write, converse or do something? Maybe not, we’re all individuals. But just now try to imagine what it is like to have about 100 or more things going on in and around your mind. Rapid, at the speed of light, none stop, relentlessly. Now try imagining it going on for days on end?!? Well now try imagining it going on for weeks?!? Now try imagining it going on for months?!?! Six fucking months!

So this leads to worry and uncertainty about things you’ve made up! The voices are chatting incessantly and they chat some absolute shite let me tell you!
#MightyTogether #MentalHealth

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What Bipolar Disorder is to me #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #bipolarmania #RapidCycleBipolarDisorder

Bipolar Disorder is about the unknown
Bipolar Disorder is about taking medication
Bipolar Disorder is about feelings you can’t describe
Bipolar Disorder is about being different from your friends
Bipolar Disorder is about confusion
Bipolar Disorder is about questions
Bipolar Disorder is about adapting
Bipolar Disorder is about sleepless nights
Bipolar Disorder is about being honest
Bipolar Disorder is about understanding
Bipolar Disorder is about awareness
Bipolar Disorder is about acceptance
Bipolar Disorder is about pride
Bipolar Disorder is about you
Bipolar Disorder is about difficulty
Bipolar Disorder is about realisations
Bipolar Disorder is about perspective
Bipolar Disorder is about why
Bipolar Disorder is about when
Bipolar Disorder is about where
Bipolar Disorder is about whatever
Bipolar Disorder is about what
Bipolar Disorder is about everything
Bipolar Disorder is about this
Bipolar Disorder is about that

You are about a multitude of different things and you are not about Bipolar.

You have Bipolar Disorder but aren’t Bipolar Disorder

#BipolarDisorder #MightyTogether

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Living with Bipolar Disorder: Bipolar Mania and Sleep #BipolarDisorder #bipolarmania #Sleep #Insomnia

I have written an account about my current experiences with sleep issues and being manic. I’m starting to feel that using more and more medication isn’t the answer. Maybe we should accept that some people have different needs and requirements. Just because you don’t fit in the predefined parameters of some politicians rigid regimes of the way you live your life you’re ill?

Living with Bipolar Disorder: Bipolar Mania and Sleep
#Quetiapine #lorazepam #MightyTogether

Living with Bipolar Disorder: Bipolar Mania and Sleep

“Try to imagine what it will be like to go to sleep and never wake up… now try to imagine what it was like to wake up having never gone to sleep.” Alan Watts So this year started off with my …
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