I am a pain patient not an addict
The blurred line between the two I guess is too broad of a space for doctors to understand I fall under pain patient.
Today my hips hurt to go from gas to break and to hold either but obviously less with gas. So I call my hip surgeon leave message, they call back, get more info put me on hold, talk to doctor, comes back says he believes this to be a fibromyalgia flare?????!!!!!! I said great thanks for your time she said to go to comcare crisis if this is a mental emergency ER if a medical emergency. Ok thanks bye.
I'm at my wits end with razor feeling inside my hips from bone spurs, tears, impengments, bone structure deformities (pitting in femur part of the hip joint, arthritis and bursitis. I know fibro flares and those don't include razor sensations inside the joint not anywhere else. But okay. A couple days ago the opportunity to self harm and next thing I know I've carved no point in forearm because my know it all 19 yr old is triggering me. I see no point to being here not necessarily to die, even if itd be nice not waking up in agony disappointed that I woke up. It's different than suicidal, convenience vs at own hand but there is a blurred broad line between those too.
So, I need to go to the ER for pain, but I have ace bandage on my wrist they gonna ask when and if the take vitals or put iv in if that's what they do. Then they going to immediately stop treating the thing that caused me to sh in fist place...and then commit me to the psych hospital where all they have is Tylenol and ibuprofen and naproxen no muscle relaxers which I had a Charley horse spasms, as I often do and in any muscle in my body even my face, yesternight, yesterday I am strained sprained and am in pain there as well my hips. Oh bonus bursitis in both shoulders they pop and grind and feel like razors too but haven't got them checked yet kinda need to walk, but also need to be able to use my hands and arms which when doing things after awhile my hands will cramp and once done I can't grip nothing like muscle too exhausted. So what job can I do? I can't even sit long before spasming & having to go lay down on my heating padsssss I have 2 lost my 3rd one somewhere I lay on two covering entire back and upper part of hips where also muscles there hurt cuz you guessed it spasms. Usually I drape the weighted one over my pelvis when I have the third to lay on...cuz this one has vibrating cilindars inside and not the comfiest to lay on and no I don't use vibration cuz I feel it spoils my muscles to where they require it more and more until all I do is get up to get drink and food and toilet...go back lay down on it. So stopped using it like that and now I'm worse than ever.
I'm getting a divorce soon as he too doesn't know what to do for me as does the Drs too they dont know what to do and if I come out and ask for pain meds I'll be a verified addict cuz that gap closes real quick if you specifically ask for certain meds.
I go to the ER they are for emergencies well I feel my pain is an emergency but they seem annoyed with me seeking care there, and reluctantly treat my spasms and pain sending a prescription just enough to get in to see doctor unless it's Friday then just enough until Monday and getting in that day is impossible. So I am told to go to minor ER, they can't treat pain there, so also go back to ER and rinse and repeat get enough pain meds until appointment if I'm lucky. So 20 for Dr and minor ER 150 for ER copay wise. Can't afford it. Convenient that we can't work things out and getting divorce for other obvious reasons I will into with the last medical turned out emergency, and trust me his dismissive attitude towards my medical care is horrifying I walked around with my c4 hairline fractured for a week and a day and thinking after he took kids to school he would take me to er nope he had laundry to do so I drove myself. Was admitted and he had the nerve to bring up his mom needing my car when I was explaining how dangerous and life threatening it was because of where it is located on the part that is a small hole where the vein to the brain flows through and it could have caused a stroke. I told him figure it out cuz I'm being admitted for a serious condition for once. They usually give me a shot of haldol and send me home. If you don't know what that is look up on YouTube the haldol shuffle that sums it up quite well.
So, add my 19 yr old and his condemning me for using my only source of relief 😮💨 I smoke pot. I can't justify paying the same price for the legal not as powerful so I have to smoke more of it to get relief which is also bad for my lungs which I had bronchitis still got my smokers cough I've had for years left and laryngitis is still strongly lost voice, but yelling over my 19 yr olds christian music and preaching videos, it's no wonder. He is what I like to call a toxic Christian his shove down your throat approach is not how I come to doing that Christian living that always brings up "test" if you make it through you got a "testament" how do you not make it through? Time marches on as if nothing happened and responsibilities remain the same the daily day to day task demands remain the same. So...make it through yeah...have a breakdown go into psych hospital....that's strong but now suddenly those supporters distance themselves because you required something they don't understand. And so the support system I thought and put down on my risk assessment and plan for dismissal, and now they suddenly are too busy for me...got the hint.
I'm just damned if I do damned if I don't and I don't know what to do anymore. I really need to go to Mayo clinic. I assure you once my pain is managed then ADHD is addressed and I can focus on tasks and get things done instead of being a bumblebee working a little on everything and have nothing at the end of the day to show for it another reason divorce why isn't the dishes done? Because kids needed this when I started to do them then I needed a break before tackling the dishes again. Then start again and either I see another need needing done or kids again. Then another neeing done discovered and also started...kids...kids...I'm utterly exhausted why? You didn't get the one thing I asked you to do done. Bite lip go to computer and bury myself I don't do confrontations at all.
My sister tells me to use my voice. But he has be making me feel lazy so it must be true spiral down father in depression.
Anyways lots of life happened had a HLHS and Turner's syndrome baby who lives 19 hrs and 34 mins, had 2/3rd of hybrid surgery done on her heart when she crashed when they had to put the measuring wire back in her heart they got her back took her back to the floor she crashed again but couldn't bring her back. My hubs was a tourist all the way there and all the way back dragging me along to St Louis arch on the way back after losing my baby and experiencing engorgement sure take her in public where crying babies are everywhere. I finally told him how it made me feel and he said maybe he should of left me in the car?! That's his solution?! Me who gets post partum bad, sure leave me in the car...see I should of left a long time ago cuz this was 2008...he could read my journals if he doubts my claims. Figured he was so couldn't understand how he was continuing to make me think more and more poorly of myself.
Get this, my now 19 yr old when in 1st grade told me I "would be living under a bridge if it weren't for" his dad. I'm like what?! Where did that come from? Did he come up with it on his own? I think it's more likely he over heard someone talking about me, so that doesn't sit well, and was added to the reel of stinkin thinkin I already have on repeat.
Farther and farther I buried myself in my PC. I would get haircuts he liked he would buy me clothes and help pick glasses. He says I'm overly dependent on him well he made me this way! He don't like what I pick never has never will. That's fine. I'm done. #stayingstrong