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The Death Spree seems to never end. #Depression #Anxiety #Grief
So… I am kinda praying for the superior forces, the gods, whoever is able to, just give me and my boyfriend a break.
So very recently he got a new cat, or rather this new cat invited himself into my bf’s house. And today we discovered he has cancer.
I cried for a while in a room alone just to have some composure and be able to be a pillar of support to my boyfriend, be the shoulder he can cry on when he needs.
I asked the universe to please let me feel less tired, so I can be more of a use, to be able to not need so much rest and leave my bf hanging when he needs someone to support him, and I’m his main line of support because of some reasons.
Why did I title this post referring to a death spree?
Late 2021 to early 2022, his cat, that was so close to him, died of feline leukaemia.
2023 my cat who was almost 19 years old, just one and a half year younger than me at the time also died, and I fell into very severe depression relapsing almost to 0%.
2024 he lost both his grandmothers, and that also added more to worry as I was really worried of my MIL and FIL because they just lost their mums.
Also 2024 I lost a friend to pneumonia. Tho I’m young I have lots of older friends and she was over 60.
2025 about a month and a half my boyfriend lost his oldest cat that grew up with the one who died of feline leukaemia. She died of a cardiac arrest after having a second rectum prolapse and was in recovering from the surgery.
What kills me inside is that all of this is happening, we have no pause to pull ourselves together, both me and him are getting stuff happening that aren’t only our cats getting sick, one of mine didn’t die but she had to get emergency surgery for a ≈1 centimetre diameter stone on her bladder.
And worse is that he has an alcoholic dad and that makes me so sad, because my grandpa died out of liver cirrhosis due to alcohol abuse, and my friend’s father also died last year due to liver basically becoming non existent after so many years of alcohol. So I know his father is being a time bomb at this point. His mum wants so much for him but she doesn’t know how to express that and ends up being really harsh and that adds up a lot to his emotional. And as for me, I’m living in a toxic environment that I want to leave so badly but I just don’t have the money to go somewhere else and I’m doing so many stuff, from job hunting, to doctors appointments to blindness rehab that I’m just so tired all the time, I go to sleep at night tired, I wake up tired, and I have to basically suck it up because the world doesn’t stop regardless if I need time, if I need a pause, time doesn’t stop, and I’m forced to continue a fight I’m just overwhelmed of.
My psychologist asked me today if my case is Retinitis Pigmentosa, which 100% leaves with light perception only, couldn’t be that when I lose it all, the technology is better? And I had to reply with a big rant about how we are seeing an inversion of values, a regression, a war scenario. And I told her that yes, technology have the potential, but how can I trust humanity will seek it?
I’m really tired and I just don’t want to deal with more death. To some cats and dogs are only animals, to some, mourn for a pet is being fussy. To me? I mourn for my cat all the time and I cry so much sometimes because I remember her and I just miss her so much. I know people is born and dies everyday, people and pets, but it would be nice to just get some time to process, to mourn, to cry, and to stand up stronger rather than just stand up because there’s still a war to win, but the troubles’ army is made of thousands and we are just 2 people. How are we supposed to just get through it? I know we need, but I’m really tired.
Here’s a photo of my now deceased cat, so I can look at this post and remember her, not with grief, but with love.
I love and miss you Mabel…
And I also love and miss Miaki and Sophie.
I didn’t know you so much, but I hope you’re well in the afterlife grannies.
I hope you achieved your spiritual goal Lilly.
And I seriously hope that you can hold on for longer that anyone of us believe, FIL.
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