codependant

The external validation of others is huge for me, so much so that it controls my life! I analyze how people respond when I speak by their body language or eye contact or their affirmations, if I didn’t get the appropriate amount of confirmation in it, I spiral . Feeling worthless, disrespected and just so awful about myself! People call me beautiful but I think I’m disgusting. I’m divorced and feel like used / wasted goods! I feel like I’ve experienced the things I needed to and now I’m just floating through life without much future ahead! I have a 5yo boy that lights up my world but I never feel good enough , i lash out on friends and family and my son and feel
So ashamed! I even worry about sharing old things about my life due to judgement from others! If I could just live free of care of any one else’s thoughts about me I feel like i could conquer the world, I feel so small , everyone says I seem so peppy and confident , but inside I feel so weak and empty! I hope I can overcome this , cuz this is not living , this is surviving ! I have great friends and family that live and care about me , about every 6 months I have a blow up with at least one person , I need to let my feelings out and end up sabatoging everything , I overeat for comfort and then feel so ashamed! I am not on medication , but I do talk therapy and journal, both don’t seem to help much …

I need some support. Can anyone with avoidant attachment type clue me in a bit? My husband is that way (and also an alcoholic...) and I’m anxious attachment which is just a recipe for hurt feelings. We had an argument last night—I need more attention, he needs more space. But somehow he’s always the one that gets what he wants and I’m left in emotional pain so intense I feel it physically in my stomach. I sat in the shower having dark thoughts about how this reinforces my complex that I’m not worth loving or caring about, that I’m stupid for having feelings, and then my brain spirals and starts saying that I’m fat and ugly and hysterical so no wonder he doesn’t ever want to spend time with me....last night was the second time I ever considered harming myself but I’m too chicken to do that either.
#Anxiousattachment #avoidantattachment #alcoholic #codependant #narcissisticfather #imsuchatrainwrecklol

So I had a falling out with some former friends months ago. I was in a damned if I do damned if I don’t kinda situation. I compromised myself to be accepted by these girls. And it drove me to some of the lowest depths of my depression and anxiety. I have always had suicide ideation when I hit my lows, but it’s not consistent.... that is until these two girls came along. After our fall out the suicide ideation became constant almost. It took me until this past week to realize that I was better off. That I needed to be happy that they’re not in my life because who needs friends like that. But we have mutual friends that are close with them and I cannot for the life of me understand why. These girls I had the falling out with are mean, nasty, dramatic, narcissistic, and take part in gaslighting and victim shaming. They’ve not just done that to me but also to one of our mutual friends. One of the same mutual friends that swore one of these girls off says she “plays nice for others” but goes out to dinner, invites her over... and the mutual friends husband who swore off the same girl is playing along. And it messes with me. It makes me question my “moving on.” And it makes me feel excluded, left out, and lonely. Adding onto it that I tested positive for COVID-19 yesterday so I’m gonna be isolated for a couple weeks and I’m only in day 1. And maybe none of these “friends” I need in my life. Maybe they’re all just full of shit. Maybe they’re all playing games with each other and none of em can be trusted. It’s all a trigger for me with my trust issues, with my paranoia, with my abandonment issues, with my validation issues, with my depression, with my codependency issues, and with my anxiety on so many levels. I guess it triggers even more because I don’t have many friends. And it’s hard to make friends right now in our isolated COVID-19 world (with or without positive test results). I’ve wanted to always have a sense of belonging because I don’t have that with my family, nor do I have much of a family to have that with. Which adds to my issues mentioned previously. It sucks. I’m trying to end this train of thinking this year. It’s my biggest thing I’m working on and like any habit it’s hard to break. I’m trying to work through the feelings by posting on here, journaling, reading my Codependency books.... Idk how to end this exactly... I’m just struggling and triggered. #triggered #codependentpersonality #codependancy #Codependency #codependent #codependant #DepressionAndMentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #sad #Loneliness #lonely #abandonmentissues #FearOfAbandonment #abandonment #validation #validationissues #ParanoidThoughts #Paranoia

I hate this. I hate these feelings. I hate them so very much.

I’ve had some super fun awesome Manic episodes (not kidding I loved it, accept the mistakes 🙄 and there was a lot-squirrel) and some super depressive episodes. The medication (lamictal) stopped being enough. After hallucinations and suicidal ideation Ive finally ended up on Lithium. And fuck me, it’s working. I don’t see hallucinations and I don’t want to kill myself. BUT 10 pounds in 5 months. Nobody understands how much this is messing me up. I’m literally trapped in my head. Is it worse to loathe myself, every waking hour spent on negative self thinking or to be “ok” with it. Accept I’ll be fat again? #BipolarDisorder bipolardisorder1 #AnxietyDisorder #epd #BodyDysmorphia #codependant