I am really on my last bit of energy and not sure where to turn. Or maybe it’s only inward that I can turn, but every angle feels cut off.
I am in the middle of selling my house with my fiancé. I am very active as my primary coping skill (running, biking, sports) and I ruptured my ACL so having surgery for that this week. I’m going in early tomorrow to prepare a plan for being out of work (in a sales role with 6 direct reports so a lot of pressure I’m feeling). I am the primary bread winner in our house by a long shot so I can’t afford to drop things…On top of it, I was recently diagnosed with Cushings Disease - went undiagnosed for years because I didn’t have any of the usual physical symptoms but extremely elevated cortisol and corresponding anxiety/depression. Waiting on treatment plan after a few more tests…
I am also recovering from PTSD after a very traumatic few years involving physical abuse from a family member, cheating in relationship (we have since worked it out and work in progress but still wears on me). I have been extremely emotional lately- afraid to drink alcohol even because it exacerbates everything. I see a therapist weekly but it’s definitely still very prominent. Hoping finally being treated for cushings will help with that…
Today I got into a big argument with my fiancé because I had nightmares all night, kept waking up, and then word-vomited my whole slew of (irrational) fears flying through my mind: that he will cheat again, that I will drop the ball at work, that I “can’t stand” going through another surgery, that I don’t want him to go out of town on a bachelor trip while I’m recovering, that my self esteem is low…..just real foot-in-mouth crying ordeal.
He was very upset with me - my wording sucked I guess that it came off like I was blaming him. He said “I’m never happy” “my best strength is my financial success right now” “that he’s fine and I need to get it together”. It escalated to the point that he shoved me (not super hard but enough for me to not be ok with). Then said it was because was so frustrated with me that I caused him to lose himself.
I do agree that I should not bring up old hurts as they have no purpose but to make the other defensive. I’m just extremely overwhelmed. I feel down, sad- all the things he says of me…which I’m trying not to internalize and failing. I just don’t feel like trying anymore right now with him and that scares me. I feel exhausted and fried.
I have an appt with my GP tomorrow to talk about anxiety medication to help but I don’t want to get addicted to anything. Just feels like an exhausting pit I can’t climb out of and I’m dragging people around me down too. I just can’t relax and be okay. I wish I could and try as hard I can but it just feels beyond what I can do. I know some of this is because my hormones are messed up but at this point I’m lacking trust in my own judgment and resenting him and wanting to be alone.
What do I do? Where do I start? I feel weak and defeated and don’t want to get up and do it again tomorrow.
#Anxiety #CPTSD #PTSD #Cushings Disease #Depression
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