Sick, suicidal and it's getting worse
Hi, I'm new here, but I am not new to chronic illness. In 2013 I was diagnosed with autoimmune chronic kidney disease, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, and chronic Lyme Disease. This year, the doctors added Lupus, Fibromyalgia, and Graves eye disease. I've dealt with exogenous Cushing's syndrome from super high doses of prednisone, I live with CPTSD and chronic nightmares.
I'm just really struggling to find meaning. I'm struggling with feeling like I deserve to be alive. I don't think I do. I've been living with chronic illness for 10 years and it's not getting better... it just seems to get worse. I started very optimistic -- even ended up in remission five years ago -- but that quickly ended and now I have new diagnoses to navigate. I'm not sure how much more I can take.
No support system. No family. I have a partner, but his life is made all the worse for my being in it. I see him suffering, watching me suffer. I cannot tell him what is really happening. He cannot take any more. I am alone in this fight, in this body. I doubt anyone will read this. I'm just writing to write, I guess. It's been written that the deep depression that follows grave illness could be avoided if the person afflicted has a deep enough investment in life... I have none.
Has anyone been here? If so, how did you pull yourself out? I've been here hundreds of times, but none of my tactics work now. and I'm getting scared.