dread

I wish I could say things had got better, but they’ve gotten worse. We aren’t on talking terms (despite my numerous attempts), and I’ve had my eyes opened to the fact that he’s never once asked how I was and that his parents are more invested in me than he is.

I’ve got to live with this dude. I wish I was joking. At the time it didn’t seem like a bad idea, but with the way he’s treated me after the breakup I don’t see it as something that’s mentally going to do me any favours. I’m going to see him next week and may use it as an opportunity to confront him. My friend says he’ll just gaslight me though, so I’m not sure.

I don’t know if it’s the stress, but I’ve gone through a flare up with postnasal drip and dysgeusia (the latter being as a result of long COVID). It’s horrible. Everything tastes of petrol, and I’m constantly having stuff run down my throat. Also had a bad attack of pain the other day where voltarol didn’t want to work.

In other news, I’ve started packing for my move and have registered at a new GP surgery. There was a lot to fill in in the form and I forgot some stuff so I had to call and then email them with the stuff I missed. I’m concerned about my prescriptions, I hope they’ll just transfer over.

#longcovid #COVID19 #mentalabuse #gaslight #moving #Stress #breakup #dread #Anxiety #Pain #ChronicPain #relocating

All day this dread has consumed. Eating, Sipping, Chewing on the Marrow of my Breath.
I am tired of crying and being afraid.
*zero interest in self harm, btw..just venting my truth.*

Dental appointment at 7am for hour n half. Heck of a way to start my day!
Anyone agree!

I had a crown placed and it went surprisingly well. If you read my previous post you know why I was dreading this appointment.
The dentist used 2 things of Novocain to start just to make sure things were extra numb. At the end, after the drilling but before the temp crown was placed, it started to wear off and he gave me another Novocain injection which is finally wearing off 1 1/2 hours after I left the office. There wasn’t gas available or a lead apron, but I managed. I had a death grip on the chair arms most the time and was shaking a good majority of the drilling. I didn’t realize I was shaking until I tried to relax and felt my hand “vibrating” against the chair. I’ve never visibly shaken before from fear. Thankfully I had a bite block so the shaking didn’t impact the dentist and his work.
I’m kinda upset with my previous dentist because of his negligence and because he did a poor job on the filling which is why I needed a crown 1 1/2 years after the filling was placed. The new dentist said this crown will more than likely need a root canal in the future because the new cavity got so close to the nerve he can’t do a deep drilling to guarantee it doesn’t come back. Also said I need a custom bite/grind guard for night and when I’m super anxious. Previous dentist never addressed this concern of mine or brushed me off.
Anyway long story short, this new dentist has gained my trust. Now off to find some ice for my sore face/jaw.
#Dentist #PTSD #MedicalPtsd #dread #Anxiety

I’m supposed to be in the dentist office in 1 hour. They’re finally putting in a crown I’ve needed for a year. Thing is, I’m terrified! I’ve had many bad experiences at the hands of another dentist. I’m frozen right now, watching the clock tick down until I absolutely have to get ready. Is it wrong to ask for the lead apron to be put on me? I noticed it helped with the anxiety when I was there for the checkup leading up to this crown.
Last time I had work done, they missed the nerve and it wouldn’t completely numb up even after 3 VIALS of Novocain and even then it wore off before they were done and I felt EVERYTHING....
Before that they placed the temp crown while waiting for the permanent one and it fit terribly. The pain was so bad they gave me narcotics so I could function.
Before that they thought I was numb, which I thought I was, and started drilling. Turns out I have an extra nerve in the roof of my mouth and flipped sh*t when I felt the drilling.
Needless to say I’m rightfully terrified, but I know I need to stop this damage so it doesn’t get worse and cost me the whole tooth.

Wish me luck!

#Anxiety #dread #Dentist #MedicalPtsd #PTSD

Sometimes, I miss being ignorant of what anxiety really is. I miss the normal heart rate. I miss the peace of mind. I miss feeling empty without feeling scared. I miss having no one to worry about. I miss being alone, but at least myself, not alone and I am a stranger in my own body. I miss not feeling pathetic about myself, being strong, sane, hopeful, ambitious, powerful. I miss not having to worry that someone I love is going to die and therefore I'll die as well. I miss thoughtful silence, instead of this frightening silence. I miss the way I handled my loneliness well. I really miss being safe.

Sometime, I miss being ignorant of what anxiety really is. I miss the normal heart rate. I miss the peace of mind. I miss feeling empty without feeling scared. I miss being having no one to worry about. I miss being alone, but at least myself, not alone and I am a stranger in my own body. I miss not feeling pathetic about myself, being strong, sane, hopeful, ambitious, powerful. I miss not having to worry that someone I love is going to die and therefore I'll die as well. I miss thoughtful silence, instead of this frightening silence. I miss the way I handles my loneliness well. I really miss being safe.

this used to happen all the time where I would go out and then while on the bus have an endless stream of intrusive thoughts about the bus being bombed and I'd never see my family again or there being a tornado that kills my family in some horrible way and i havent struggled with it for at least 3 years, but now it's come back and I just feel so scared. and so terribly sad and depressed like I feel this dread that every minute I'm breathing I'm wasting previous moments I could be spending with my family even though I literally live with them. I just feel like I'll go to school tomorrow and then some disaster will happen and I'll never have had the chance to say goodbye and I don't know how I could even cope without them. :"( #Anxiety #Depression #dread #IntrusiveThoughts #CheckInWithMe

I know it’s a depressive episode. I’m feeling myself become very angry and agitated for no particular reason. I want to break things or rip out my hair or something on impulse, I’ve struggled with self harm and that’s a recurring thought, I want to project my anger inwards, so I don’t explode. I’m having dreams, I’m so torn over whether to let go of the past that is haunting me night and day, or to hold on and see what future things could come of holding onto something for the first time in my life that hurts. I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. Every time this happens I notice thought patterns. I’m a nihilist in general but when I am depressed it really gets to me. Therapist appointment tomorrow, hope I don’t scare them. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #dread #DepressiveEpisodes