Flashbacks

Another night of no sleep because the pain won't give up.
I spend so many nights not being able to fall asleep when the meds don't help.
I tried for 2 and a half years trying to get my doctor to listen to me.
This started in 2019 with a list of things I wrote down and tried to tell my doctor.
But he insisted on only letting me talk about "the worst thing", which was diarrhea and stomach pain.
I told him that those symptoms were only one percent worse than the rest of the things on my list, but that didn't matter to him. For dozens of appointments with him, four different GI doctors, and seven emergency room visits, nobody would let me talk about anything except the stomach problems.
Dozens of tests with no idea what was going on.
After I stopped seeing my primary care doctor because he wouldn't listen, I tried four other doctors with the same result, nobody would listen to my list.
Finally, in 2014, I found a new doctor who still cares about her patients, and she listened to me and my list.
They ordered an xray of my stomach, and accidentally found a compression fracture in one of my thoracic virtabra.
Then she ordered an MRI for my thoracic portion of my spine, and saw that there are actually 3 fractured virtabra in my spine.
All of those things on my list are all connected to the same thing, including the stomach problems.
Thanks to the doctors who refused to listen, nothing can be done to fix the nerve damage in my abdomen, and the compression fractures are so bad that it will take a major surgery to fix.
But being on Medicaid, they won't do anything about it until it's a life threatening issue.
So now, I get to live with all of the terrible pain for who knows how long.
Aren't doctors who won't listen to their patients awesome?
Doctors have destroyed my quality of life because they refused to listen to me, and a psychiatrist destroyed my mental health.
What does a person do now 🤔?
Why is He not letting me die so everything stops hurting?
I pray for the exact same thing every night, but I keep waking up anyway.
What did I do to piss God off in my past lives?
When there is no quality of life, you can't live and enjoy everything life has to offer you.
I can't do anything I used to enjoy so much, so what's the point 🤷?
I can't make it end because of my youngest son and what it would do to him 😪, but I can't keep going like this anymore.
I don't want to keep going like this, I want it to end.

But, I also want to be able to live again.

#PTSD
#ChronicIllness
#hopeless
#PTSDSupportAndRecovery
#braindamage
#Anxiety
#EMDRtherapyhorror
#Flashbacks
#ChildhoodSexualAbuse
#TraumaticBrainInjury
#losinghope
#Exhaustedfromfighting
#ChronicPain
#BrainInjury

How am I supposed to keep going, when I have no hope left?
Because of doctors refusing to listen, my quality of life has been taken away from me.
Because of a psychiatrist who forced me to remember being raped when I was 9 years old, I have been reliving those rapes over and over again since 2019
She did the 4th stage of EMDR Therapy to me without explaining anything about EMDR therapy.
She put a crack in the wall I built when I was a kid to force myself to forget 💯.
That wall began to crumble away, and the memories became longer and more detailed as time went on, until they became actual flashbacks.
Literally reliving being raped by him over and over again since 2019.
I filed a complaint with the State Medical Board of Ethics and Professional Services about it, and explaining everything she did.
They have powerful lawyers, and I don't.
Those lawyers used my brain damage against me, and twisted everything I explained and made it look like it didn't happen.
The State Board closed my case, and decided that she didn't violate Ethics laws, completely ignored everything I explained.
They ignored multiple requests to call me so I could explain anything better.
I am NEVER going to stop reliving being raped by him until she tells the truth about what she did, and is punished accordingly by the State Medical Board.
I need her to tell the truth about what she did, so I can start to heal.
What am I supposed to do to get her to tell the truth when I don't have any money to hire a lawyer to help me?
How am I going to start to recover from the damage I'm going through?

Stop making me wake up
Stop making me wake up
Stop making me wake up
Stop making me wake up
Stop making me wake up
Stop it 🛑 ✋️
Please 🙏
#Nightmares
#Trauma
#PTSD
#Flashbacks
#Selfharm

We have a ranch house with 2 bedrooms on the main floor. Whenever I have virtual therapy I tend to look at one of the bedrooms and I see a flashback of my abuser in the bedroom. It’s part of my psychotic features. I was crying in therapy cause he saw me #Hallucinations . I decided to close the bedroom door now I’m having #Flashbacks of him behind the door where I can see his shoes. This happened when my mom took me in her bedroom and asked if he was doing anything to me. I know he isn’t there but 8 yr old me says he is. The abuse never took place in this house. Welcome to #PTSD

Had a ptsd flashback first one I had in a few years and it hit me hard. I used to work at a restaurant terrible management got treated like mud on the bottom of someone’s boot half the time by either management or customers. Except for one a regular sweet old man who would just get some water and talk for hours with friends. He died yesterday and the death of anyone I know usually triggers these flashbacks of my stepdad dying of cancer when I was 10. Had to call my mom which I’m embarrassed because she’s toxic and I’m trying to distance myself from her it was after a fight we had because I had a huge mood swing. Need some support from my mighties thanks guys #PTSD #Flashbacks
#Bipolar2

I’m going to go to my pottery class tonight. That’s the good thing. I have to drive to get there. That’s the bad thing. I struggle with emotional flashbacks, dissociation and passive suicidal ideation while driving. 😕 I’ve started doing a driving meditation and it keeps me from panicking but it’s still very difficult.

Wish me luck! 🍀 #c -PTSD #dissociativedisorders #SuicidalIdeation #MentalHealth #Flashbacks

Im so tired of all this pain. One thing after the other. Dont get a break to deal with past traumas which giving me now flashbacks

I'm having flashbacks of witnessing my friend's emotional breakdown