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Living on my own (with my husband) for the first time truly and coming to terms with everything that's happened in my past #MentalHealth #PTSD

My entire, both sides, of my family rarely talk to each other unless necessary, even though there is an "open door" policy with some. However, living on my own for the first time ever in my 34 years round the sun, I'm coming to realize that that policy only means for things they are willing to talk about. I'm an #EmotionalAbuse survivor from my father, mother, ex-husband and his his family. I'm a thrice #SexualAbuse survivor once from a "friend" twice from my ex-husband, and another time from another "friend". I have been diagnosed also with #SchizoaffectiveDisorder and #PTSD and #AnorexiaNervosa
I most recently dealt with a very heavy dose of emotional and mental abuse from my mother while trying to be a caregiver for her as she is how I also got #EhlersDanlosSyndrome and #chronicepstein-Barr . But now myself and my husband are in our own place in a safe environment, where we can just be. I'm eternally grateful my husband has stuck with me through thick and thin, he has loved me as I have dealt with two major deaths; my brother and my father, and has been my protector when it comes to other people. His words, he is the first and last line of defense when it comes to me. He makes sure that I have the time for therapy and makes sure I'm okay. I don't talk about a lot of thus stuff ever especially as gay, genderqueer person in the outside world. I've only recently started opening up and relearning who I really trust. I battle daily with not only intrusive thoughts but also "do I really need to eat?" and "do I really need to sit down??" When I'm starving or in #ChronicPain flare. I am a person who only in the outside world trusts a handful of select people that I carefully choose and nurture. I can literally count on one hand the number of people I truly and utterly trust with my life and it only gets to five. Everyone else I know is either more my husband's friend, or am acquaintance.
But life is becoming easier, one day at a time. Finances have become more balanced which is wonderful, now we're craving more desirable and deserved compensation for me as I've been in the hair industry for (including school) 13 years. But at the moment, life has finally become balanced, at least with finances and mostly with work-life. Not always on that second one but we're getting there.

#IndependentLiving #MentalHealth #Anxiety #PTSD #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #LGBTQIA #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #Gettingthere

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I got my first dose of the vaccine! #COVID19 #Vaccine #Nyc

I was able to get my first dose of the vaccine last Wednesday! Feeling safer already. #firststep #Gettingthere

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I feel differently!

Yesterday I had a day of poor choices: I essentially gave up control of my mind and body to the cravings and desires stirred in me by junk food. I told myself it would be a one day event and then I could get back to strict control of myself.
My biggest challenge was not purging. I managed that but I think mostly because I was careful to not be alone for long enough to do anything. I'm calling that a win.
But it has left me feeling different: nothing too noticeable just a feeling like I've succeeded in one thing. A feeling that maybe if I can do that I can regain control.
Don't get me wrong, I didn't maintain perfect control today, I ate some marshmallows, a few rich tea biscuits and overate at tea. But not hugely, and not enough to make me regret it.
I managed to stop my self just enough that I have no actual regrets from today.
I'm proud of myself. And it's such a rare feeling that I didn't know the words for how I've been feeling until 30 seconds ago when they flowed from my fingers!
I want to feel proud again tomorrow night, although I would like to go to bed tomorrow night and not let my depression win that battle, but that's a fight for tomorrow. For now I am proud to have had some control over my eating today! #Gettingthere #smallsteps #tinysteps #EatingDisorders

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I just smile... #AnkylosingSpondylitis #LeukocytoclasticVasculitis #Arthritis #Osteoporosis #fightlikeagirl

Hasn’t it happened to you??? I just got tired of explaining myself, now I just smile and thank them politely for their good wishes... people have no idea what is like to live with an invisible illness ( in my case more than one)... living with autoimmune illness sucks but it’s better than no life at all... #Gettingthere #Livingeachdayasitcomes #fightlikeagirl #JustBreathe #Justsmile

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Get moving

So after a bad day yesterday morning be managed my early morning gym session and I feel quite good for it. I’m also going to work later on even I’m anxious as hell ...... keep going peeps .... it’s hard but doing just one small thing always helps.

#Depression #Gettingthere

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He took away my mirror #Selfharm #Depression

Climb every mountain. And let the Hills fill them with the sound of music.

Only then on that Peak of my own mountain it came to me.
The wise words that hurt the most. He tool away my mirror.
The mirror everybody has. The mirror of Life and reflection. It is the most important thing we own.

I could not mirror him any more. In that moment I saw the pieces of broken glass and realised it was gone. I want to do everything to get it back but staying with the person who took my mirror leaves nothing but deep cuts. Cuts in my body and in my soul.

It is the sign off letting go. The pain, the trouble and him. With every step I am leaving him behind. With every step it Will get a piece of my mirror back. The mirror that shows my and how I reached de mountain Peak I belong. #Survivor #Selfharm #Depression #Gettingthere #BackOnTrack


I will or ... I am getting there ❤️ Which one are you? #MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #Autism #postive

“I will be a Powerful Person and have a Powerful Mind” or
“ I am a Powerful Person and have a Powerful,wonderful strong mind” #MentalHealth #Autism #CheckInWithMe #Gettingthere


Getting there

It isn’t easy, it is so hard to explain to people who don’t have depression that some mornings you wake up and you just feel like poop other mornings I feel great. I try to celebrate the little things, and it helps me to build myself back to I once was. #Gettingthere #Celebratethelittlethings