iwanttogiveup

#Depression #worstmomever #thestruggleisreal #ihatemyself #whyme #ijustwanttofeelbetter #iwanttogiveup
I just blew up on my little one for no reason last night. I threw everything in the room and started crying and told the kiddo that the room was a mess and why? I also said that my kiddo was ungreatful for everything and spoiled rotten. I didn't realize how much my kiddo is going through too not being in school. I feel horrible for everything I did last night. I feel 90% of the time that I'm not doing things right. That I'm lazy and I need to do more. I need to be a better person. But, if I show my kiddo stupid things like that how is the kiddo going to be a better person to? I'm struggling so bad right now. I just don't feel like life is worth it right now. 😟 Thanks for listening

i’ve been in a /state/ for the past few weeks and it’s taken a toll on every aspect of my life. it’s so horrible to feel this way.
last night i was so close to giving in, spent my entire day walking around like a ticking time bomb.

right now it just feels like a battlefield in my head and in my heart, having to hold myself back from giving in to the suicidal thoughts that cross my mind at every turn.
it’s like i’m subconsciously taking a step closer to the end every single second or with every decision i make. i’m so exhausted. does any of this make sense?

tried talking to people about it but no one can ever say the right words- what even are the right words? i don’t even know. everything just feels WRONG.

i’m terrified and i’m exhausted.

i’ve been here before, i’ve felt this way before! i’ve hit rock-fucking-bottom before. except now i just don’t think i wanna get back up anymore.

there’s so much weight to bear and i want to let go. but if i let go, there will just be more weight. i’ll just hurt people more than i am now. i’m stuck in this fucking spiral.

as selfish and horrid as it may sound to wish it upon someone, i just want someone to feel the way i do, to feel everything the way i do; so they understand.
instead of being isolated like this.

i’m in so much pain and i feel so much hurt, i just want it all to stop.
i wanna go home to something that will bear the weight with me, even for just a second. i’m so tired, i always end up here no matter how much ‘better’ i get. #Depression #BipolarDisorder
#Anxiety #PTSD #iwanttogiveup #isanyonethere

I’m so ready to give up. I’m just existing at this point. I want to start living but every time I try to something knocks me down again. I’m exhausted mentally and physically. Between my body failing on me and mentally being just as broken. I relapsed and burned myself. It had been over a year since I’d done any self harm. I feel so lost. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. Meds aren’t working anymore and I haven’t been able to get an appt with a new psych since my move 3 months ago. I don’t want to end up in the hospital again but it’s getting incredibly close to happening.

I have been in counseling since October after Christine Blasey Ford's testimony. I suffered repeated brutal sexual assaults over a period of seven years at the hands of my brother.  The one thing that remains constant is my feeling that everyone, especially myself is better off without me.  I've even come to the conclusions - perhaps erroneously, that my eventual cause of death will be suicide.  And I find both sadness and comfort in that thought.  I'm confused, sad, anxious,  but mostly just keeping my head above water.  I want to give up.