majordepressive

I'm just wondering how some of you get past your emotions to listen to your intellect? My emotions always detour my thinking down into the darkness and hopelessness. Intellectually I know what's going on and what should happen but I just can't do it.
#majordepressive disorder #CPTSD #Anxiety #dependent personality disorder #Crohn 's #Diabetes

I’ve been having a lot of troubles with thinking. #ElectroconvulsiveTherapy has changed everything. My thought processes, word recall, memory recall, heavy emotion.. it’s all different. I was not informed fully, I think. I don’t think I was told that #ECT would bring down my intelligence.

My entire life all I’ve had were my thoughts. There was always so much #Trauma all the time, every single day. I was always made fun of for speaking, how I looked, what I did or didn’t eat, honestly I feel like even how I breathed. I’m relearning how to walk the right way like everyone else because I learned how to be dead and alive at the same time. I learned how to make 0 noise.

So again, I’ve only had my thoughts. I used to think I was so dumb. I then learned I have learning disabilities. After adjustments, I was able to put in real hard work and learn. Learning became my thing. Learning was my being pretty, or skinny, or treated nicely. I have been and am so proud of how much I have learned. Even when someone tried to take my life in college, I still fought and got my degree.

It’s hard now. It’s not like it used to be. I am very grateful because the #Flashbacks have lessened a bit, the rapid fire memories have lessened a lot, the thinking on top of thinking has greatly reduced, but it’s not the same anymore.

I don’t feel as smart anymore. I can’t recall certain court cases or terms, even laws! I know things but cannot back them up with facts and I used to be able to walk anyone through it.

I miss my knowledge. I am scared.

I put on a smile every day

This is what I know and what I’ve known

I've been taken for an innocent girl, going on the right path

Inside my brain, however,

I’m unsure of how to translate and usually end up with frustration

Frustration usually turns into anger

Anger turns into despair

Despair turns into remorse

And on and on

Nobody ever taught me that's okay

I’ve always been told that I’m a happy girl and a gift

I’ve known I've always been wanted and loved

But I’ve still felt empty

Unknown.

Maybe ill always feel this way

Maybe this is the way I’m meant to be

Surrounded by people who love me,

But constantly feeling alone

And dead

Then one day I will wake up

And everything seems different

Did I change overnight?

Will I stay this way?

No,

Don’t keep your hopes up, another day will come

The energy will stay until it runs out, then I will meet the darkness again

I am okay with that

I am used to it

Put on a smile

This is what I know and what I’ve known

This is primarily about my life living with ADHD and major depressive disorder. Today I have done absolutely nothing and so I decided that ill just lie in bed.

Let me know if you relate, sometimes I feel like I am the only one. #ADHD #Depression #majordepressive #sad #smile

People with chronic/mental illness aren’t faking being sick, they are actually faking being well!

I just had to think really hard about what I actually did today and I'm still struggling to remember. I think I went out for instant cappuccino, cereal, and a chocolate raspberry candy bar. Took my new health supplement and have been distracting as usual to cope. Yesterday, I saw a good looking guy but was too nervous to say anything but thank you after he held the door at Dunkin. I suppose the onus isn't entirely on me though. I just hate this life. #quietborderline #qbpd #MDD #majordepressive #Anxiety #agoraphobic #CPTSD #whoknowswhatelse

Just wanted to check in and see how everyone is doing. And I wanna say I'm proud of everyone here for surviving another day. Today was kinda good for me. Got up, showered, got Dunkin, and picked up my package from the post office. But soon after I got home I started looking at social media and broke down again. Oh well. #qbpd #borderlinepersonality #majordepressive #MDD #Anxiety