agoraphobic

I went into the pharmacy to pick up some prescriptions and knew immediately it was not the day to test the waters of my agoraphobia.

A few triggers of my phobia is going into stores, walking outside, seeing my neighbors. I can go to a concert and get lost in music, but not into the grocery store to get anything. Seems a bit strange, no?

Then again, there is not much that is ordinary about me.

Allow me to continue the pharmacy story. I walked in, and immediately felt panic. I felt every emotion all at once and it took my breath away. I get to the counter, and this is where it intensifies even more so. I forget my birthday, fumble with my wallet and then he tells me it will be a few minutes. I lost it. I ran into the bathroom and sobbed. I waited until I heard my name, and when paying, I dropped my wallet and its contents onto the ground.

I know I should not allow these moments to feed into my anxiety, but when I go out into public, I have my own anxiety to deal with and then take on others as well.

I have always been a chameleon of sorts. I literally feel the room I am in, and in public areas, it's too much.

#Bipolar2Disorder #SocialAnxiety #CPTSD #agoraphobic #Anxiety #hypersensitive

#ChildhoodAbuse
#Rape survivor
#Childhood sexual abuse
#agoraphobic
#Depression
#PTSD
#Anxiety
#hostagesurvivor
#kidnapsurvivor

I thought panic attacks were kind of predictable. But for an #agoraphobic it never is. You step out of the door and you become the child of the outside world; without a say in what can and cannot happen. Some weeks are fine, but some are a living nightmare. Im trying not to stop from living and doing my everyday activities but panic attacks just doesnt let you.

Does anybody have faith in me? A lawyer after a lawyer has dropped our case because "it's too difficult." You see, in Poland, we have two kinds of "lawyers", "solicitors" (cheaper) and "real" "attorneys" (much more expensive, but tend to know more about...than the debts. We wouldn't have had debts if the advice given by the Polish Social Services back in 2009, when I was still young and had a glimmer of hope, hadn't been wrong (and I'm learning about it all now!!!). And the government is surprised that every third suicide in Poland is money-related. (Don't worry, I'm not in the mood for harming myself. Harming the system -- now, that's another story).
How can an #agoraphobic with #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder cope with all of this? I don't even have time for my treatment because I'm supposed to find that decent attorney, and, if it weren't enough, read up on the Polish Bank Law (I'm not a lawyer!!!).

I just had to think really hard about what I actually did today and I'm still struggling to remember. I think I went out for instant cappuccino, cereal, and a chocolate raspberry candy bar. Took my new health supplement and have been distracting as usual to cope. Yesterday, I saw a good looking guy but was too nervous to say anything but thank you after he held the door at Dunkin. I suppose the onus isn't entirely on me though. I just hate this life. #quietborderline #qbpd #MDD #majordepressive #Anxiety #agoraphobic #CPTSD #whoknowswhatelse