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Triggered
today I was full blown panic, separation anxiety and having a borderline moment. on my way to my grandma's house, my grandma missed her turn to follow me back to her house and i waited she never came back to find me, so I kept going, my mind kept screaming at me " my dog, "my dog" on repeat to the point I've become obessed and no one not even me can get me off of repeat. Anger raged, extreme sadness flooded me. all I could think of is I can never be separate my dog ever again and she's dead. half way their calm came over me until my grandma's truck wasn't their, panic, crying and screaming while walking back and forth on the street. I couldn't calm myself and in that moment, I wished I had my new medicine to calm my system because it kept screaming at me. I wanted to call my honorary mom like I use to because my mind kept telling me and I kept repeating over and over again out loud " I'm scared " I'm scared. I'm scared but also I felt extremely alone. I wanted to call my therapist like I use too. I wanted to call my mom, but it would of resulted in more pain, more aloneness. The book I'm reading talks about how trauma rewires our brains, I can see how it's true. my brain always reacts to percieved abandoment and now I can easily get triggered and I use to get rarely triggered. while I was watching a movie, I got triggered by a dog dying, I needed to walk outside in the dark until I could calm down. trauma and depression changed me so much. i use to watch movies or shows that have emotion to them because i liked sad movies, you've learned so much from them but now i can't watch much with emotion in it. I watch mindless shows. I was able to kayak for the first time by myself but I think its because I cried out every emotion of my dog and the event today that I actually enjoyed it. my book says trauma breeds more trauma I believe that the evidence is in my life. so many people walked away from me or ghosted me. I don't blame them the borderline personality monster within eventually over takes who I am underneath, my mind is fractured and broken. They've called me manipulative, all the while I was loving them deeply but the monster within me comes out and the real me is silenced, you can't hear her, her screams for help, you can't see her try to push the monster down and let her real self out. she's buried underneath the trauma, the monster. someone once told me love is never enough, that's my strongest point. but the monster shadow's it, blocks the light out, doesn't let all the good parts of me shine. so I hide within the shadow begging and crying to get back everything I love so deeply, but thanks to the monster the victims remain beautiful. one thing I know for certain everything I've ever overcome, pain always remians, I can have genuine happiness and wonderful thing's happening to me but the pain is always their under the surface following me through life. it's like the pain is my closest friend, it's always their for me, it tucks me in to bed, it follows me through the streets. it tells me how much it loves me, when I forget that it is even there. I find losing relationships to be the most traumatic experience, over death. I choose to be thankful for life, because I can love more people with my whole heart, selfless to the best of mine ability even if more walk away. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #mentaillness #Depression
