mightypoety

It wasn't for love. No that is not love.
Love is a feeling endless with no bounds, not something that can be measured in dollars or pounds!

Yet when I look back I see, it wasn't for love or for me..
it was attachment for a fee!

My father sold me to the highest bidders, groomed to mimic affection for abusers,
Face drawn pale by blood thirsty users.

Tiny body housing broken bones, the pain of which she leant to mask long ago.
Little body tossed to and through.
Tortured to may sure you never say what you know.
not an environment in which to grow..

Then I look back at the men I thought loved me, a clear game with each one I now see.. they were always chasing money!

They took pleasure in my pain, thought I hadn't repeated the cycle.. yet I did it again and again!
No wonder I always grew so weak or felt I was going insane!
I was picking men from the wrong lane..

Now I have my barriers up, I want to know what's in your cup, glinting eyes it's not upon my soul you'll sup, not now I know whatsup!

I'm left wondering what safety is?
I've been abused as an adult and a kid.
Some people would do Anything for a few quid!
The situation is dangerous even if I don't lift the lid..

For now it's show and tell of my trauma,
I feel cold as the situation grows warmer..
How do I fight a war So big alone?
How many times must I flee to make it home?
How do I find my way out the danger zone? ..

#MightyPoets #mightypoety #Flashbacks #Childhoodtrauma #childhoodabusesurvivor #Depression #Fear #lonely #CPTSD #CPTSDinrelationships #RapeSurvivors #abusiverelationships

I used to think I could just flow with the tide,
But that was just another way to hide,
To keep it all inside..
slap on a smile no one will know you nearly died.

The grim depths of reality were more than a little brain could hold, so I hid the truth in a brain fold..
Tucked away was all my trauma, so I could pretend the world was warmer!
After what my little eyes had seen, I had to search for something in the world that wasn't cold or mean, broken or obscene..

Then the search for oblivion, to forget the world I was living in..
I partied all the time it wasn't a problem.. as I didn't count it as addiction.
Just another way to block out my childhoods depiction!

When the trauma is developmental, it's much easier to bracket you as mental!
When you look at me what do you see..
C.P.T.S.D or Me?

All my life Ive had flashbacks for breakfast.
A cereal of images, eating at my life force..
Not something you can explain in common discourse!

These things I couldn't disclose, that happened when I had no clothes, I could never explain how they were the course of my lows..
Well how can you explain things so horrific Even your own brain pretends it dosent know?
It's not something I chose, yet it's a book I never get to close..

I grew up, Trauma repeated, by many men who's numbers I've deleted, but not before I became depleted!
I reflected and worked on my self image, some parts of me completed.
Yet every day a new piece of my psychi competed..

Flashbacks led me to my memories,
A tale Terrifying in its complexity!
Little eyes shouldn't see death up close and personal, they shouldn't have to work out a psychopaths rationale..
Even as broken homes go mine wasn't traditional!

Yet I am made of the glue to fix myself!
Somehow I found the Grit to prosecute those at fault, the process has bought my life to a halt..
But surely it's worth it to bring down a cult?!?!

I don't know what this poem was about..
Some days I'm calm others I want to shout, but this is my only place to let it out!

#CPTSD #CPTSDinrelationships #Depression #AbuseSurvivors #justice #Upallnight #MightyPoets #mightypoety #Flashbacks #Childhoodtrauma #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #RapeSurvivors

I have to beat my addiction. Its easier for me to describe like this: #mightypoety #SexualAssault #Rape #SexualAbuse #exploitation #Healing #violence #rapeculture #rapetrauma #SelfMedicating

There is a ‘demon’ inside my brain, and it has managed to gain near total command. The demon is This addiction, to something which was once helpful, as a temporary release, from the anguish of what was going on around me, and to me, to others as well.

I need to reclaim my own mind, and get control back from the ‘demon’. Take back the reigns.

It’s going to hurt me, it will scream and kick and shout at me. All of it’s might, will thrust forward, as the Demon attempts to survive. Clenching, hard onto these reigns, dominating my head space, it is adamant that it shall not relinquish, the throbbing life source, the ‘treasure’ it found within me. That Demon’s ‘treasure chest’ was not, as one might expect, in the form of a breakable crate, dripping with Gold, jewels, wealth and happiness.

Rather, it is the antithesis of such a positive glowing beacon.

‘Treasure’ for this Demon, was in fact the lack of it. The emptiness. The hollow crate, where once stood self-belief, self-love, self-esteem, ambition, hope and will. When the world around me came to blows, and stripped away everything about me, everything I held so dear and close... The tsunami which washed out happiness, stole my love of life, swept away the love of my life, crippled my career, took away all livelihood. All that was left was my soul.

When the rape came, my soul seemed all but smothered. All that was left of me, was an empty shell of self.

That is what this Demon treasures, the hollow cave, where once sparked my soul, that is it’s dreadful power. Power to remain captain of this ghostly vessel, steering my ship beneath it’s own sails, and into the ever blackening darkness.

Yet my soul remains, as do my sails, and all the fire within me could never be smothered. The Demon knows this, and it frightens it’s core. Hence it’s rampage. It fears the fateful inevitable. That once again my soul with sail this ship, the opportunistic Demon, shall lie, defeated. Not merely smothered, completely extinguished.

Gray day

Its just another gray day
Im siting in my room
Just thinking thinking thinking
of all that is so glum
But the sun is out
The sky is blue
The birds are sweetly chirping
But in my head its just another
gray day
The sky is black
The room is dark
Im just so damn depressed
The windows are boarded
The world is distorted
Cuz in my head
Its just another gray day