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Missing the person who ravaged me
So because I don't want to give away names, we will call the girl in question... Margret.
TW: Emotional abuse, mentions of nud3s, rant, vent, trauma
So one of my first crushes was on this "margret," and one day, she told me she liked me. Throughout our friendship prior to this, she would gaslight and emotionally abuse me, constantly putting me down. Of course, there were the moments where she would give me love. Throughout our friendship prior to dating, I acted like some sort of dog. She told me that she was the only one who would ever care, and that anyone who said they cared were lying. I believed her, and followed her blindly. I would do anything she asked, even if it meant violating my own rights, taking blame, stealing, pushing people away, and so much more. So once we started dating, I was overcome with joy. Pure unbridled joy. Honestly, when I was with her, the feeling I felt could be metamorphically described as getting addicted to something, and completely ignoring the negative effects. She told me she loved me, and I trusted her. She told me that I needed to stop being asexual otherwise she would break up with me. I was desperate, and I obliged. She would constantly put me down, and say that I was nothing more than a puppet, a tool for her to use whenever she wanted. I did whatever she asked, and lived for the moments when she would tell me she loved me. I got drunk on that love, intoxicated with the sweetness. I was completely sure that she would never leave me, and she promised. She told me to discard all my old friends, and I did. She told me to send nud3s, and I did. I would only listen to her. I went to school one day as normal. (at this point we had been dating for 4 years.) That day was valentine's day. I walked into the girl's restroom (because there was no gender-neutral restroom), and saw margaret and(we will call the other girl... Rose) Rose making out. I was shocked. I ran out, and I wasn't even planning to confront her because I never ever wanted to lose her, no matter what she did. She walked up to me later that day and told me that she never loved me, and that she would discard me like a piece of trash. She reminded me that without her, I was nothing. And then she broke up with me and left. I never felt anger, I only felt numb. I felt like a robot. Without her, life had no meaning. Without her, I was worthless, without her I was useless. It took me three years of constant reminders from my friends that she wasn't worth it to feel slight disgust towards her. However, my friends were never really helpful, and treated me like an idiot for loving her. They never fully understood. Ever since lily left me, I haven't been able to sustain normal relationships, and I've never been able to get over lily. In my eyes, I was the one who wasn't good enough. #Trauma #Abuse #Shaming #School #Toxic #Anxiety #missed #Depression
