The man that fathered me died a year ago.
When I was six years old he was my world.
When I was seven years old he was on his way to forgetting about me. No birthday month or holiday visits. I saw my dad 8 times that year.
At eight years old he came up with excuses to miss 22 of his bi weekly visits for the year. And instead of doing something with him, I was dropped off at grandma's house for these weekends. We spent zero time together. He wouldn't even sit for a meal (which grandma made enough for everyone). Of course my birthday and the holidays were completely forgotten.
At age 9 after a total of three weekends at grandma's house this man called to tell me he wasn't going to be around anymore because he was moving to another state.
I didn't know that this was called abandonment until 8 years ago.
I didn't realize how dissociated I was with reality.
I stopped caring about brushing my hair at age 7 - I can see it in pictures from that time.
I stopped caring about changing my clothes, they were dirty and often much too small.
I stopped wanting anything except to eat and watch TV. People became mean, the world became cold and I stopped trusting. Trusting is a requirement to build relationships. without it all relationships fail. I cannot trust people today because I "know in my heart" that all people will abandon me. If a child can be abandoned by his entire world how can he ever trust again?
I wish parents that behaved like this were guilty of a crime that required a life sentence
But instead society ignores the costs to the next generation and encourages parents to abandon their children and start new families.
A seven year old child should not know the words, daddy didn't pay child support so we can't afford new shoes, clothes or better food.
My dad died. His obituary didn't acknowledge me. I didn't exist.
And people wonder why I can't form relationships.
I understand why I dream of dying, being dead and never being born.
#Trust #Child #abandonment
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