narcissist

I left my partner a few years ago but 6 months later had to go back as I couldn’t keep my pets where I was living and it’s impossible to rent with them. They are everything to me and I can’t give them up. My ex and I function together but I no longer sleep with him. That was part of his abuse. He’s been getting more controlling telling me when to go to bed, gets mad if he thinks I come home late when I go for groceries , tells me what to eat and most of all tells me what he thinks I do wrong with my pets. Apparently I can do no right with anything. I do almost all of the work inside and outside the house and try not to rock the boat as I have no money to go anywhere else unless I give up my pets which are my world. He blows up if I say something he doesn’t like. I’ve been on disability for almost 15 years. I used to be strong and self sufficient until I had to stop working because of pain and lost my independence. He can be rather mean and demeaning with his words but last night I did speak up and say something and he could have scared the devil himself with the red face and anger coming from him and hatred just oozed from his eyes and he looked at me and said “I had a f’in neough of you”. I don’t do anything to make him mad. I try to co exist as peacefully as I can and do as much as I can in the home which is more than my fair share. We own the home together. I have osteoarthritis, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, migraines and recently had bunion surgery on both feet at the same time. Big mistake. He said he would do what I couldn’t till I healed but he didn’t so I had to be on my feet and my surgeries failed. When he said he had a f’in neough if me I felt like two cents. I know I shouldn’t but it made me feel so small and like a piece of nothing. I’m disappointed in myself for not being stronger but I feel like there’s nothing I can do aside from giving up my pets that rely on me and I love so much and even then the economy is so bad my disability check probably wouldn’t be enough to afford an apartment. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been walking on eggshells for so long and so stressed along with my pain and fatigue that life is pretty miserable. The only comfort I have is from the love of my pets. Now I’ve been diagnosed with low cortisol and have the side effects to go with it. He’s not always nice to my cats and dogs either and one has been fighting for his life with an autoimmune disease for almost 2 years now. I’m feeling lost and alone and just needed to get this out there. Thank you to anyone that has read this far. I know it’s a lot. We went to court when I left him last time and the judge read my statement and said it sound a little over the top. She didn’t believe me. I said yes it is your honor but I lived it. Too bad they don’t listen when someone is reaching out for help. Maybe I wouldn’t have to be here now if she had.

I have a long history of abuse and my own mental illness but I left my narcissistic partner and everything I knew but had kept in contact because of my fears of inflicting abandonment on someone who clearly needs help and he had our dog. After realizing I was stuck still , I set a boundary which he completely ignored and so I cut off all contact. He was furious and let me know about it. I remained firm and he just gave up. While this was exactly what I wanted at the same time I am feeling awful that I abandoned him and our dog and I am distraught at this weird feeling of loss in that I have had abusers for my entire life and being away physically from that whole scenario and on my own in a place where I know nobody and don’t have that type of contact anymore is a new a scary hard feeling. I don’t want to be abused but it is really all I know and after 50 plus years of living one way and leaving it I struggle with my own identity as an abuse victim turned survivor. #narcissist #PTSD #BPD

My father was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. he has to do chemo therapy, then he will have surgery. The risk of death is about 95%.
Our relationship isn’t quite easy. When I was 10, my parents got divorced and my mother left us. My father, my brother and I were left alone. Then he hired a maid because he couldn‘t work and take care of the house and us kids. I was getting bad in school and always came back with poor grades. He yelled at me and wouldn’t talk to me for a few days or sometimes weeks.
I took care of my brother when my father or his maid weren’t around. I guess it was exhausting, but I don’t remember much from this age (0-14). I was told that my brother ran after my mother when she left us.

When I grew up, I showed the first symptoms of bpd. Of course I didn’t know it by then, but now I know, at the age of 24.
things got difficult and worse, and I didn’t like myself, nor was I happy.

I didn’t know that I was allowed to have needs. Feelings. I didn’t know what love was, I didn’t know I could ask for help. I didn’t even know there were emotions.

I was terrified of making mistakes because of the silent treatment. However, years later he started to date a women from parship. Apperently they liked each other and still do. She was..different. Speaking directly and giving me orders don’t work on me.
My walls were all up and I wasn’t even close to put them down.
At the age of 20 or 21 (I don’t remember) I moved out, to my mothers place. It was horrifying. But I made it to my own apartment with my girlfriend (we both have own apartments) and I’m definitely more happy like this.
I cut contact with my mother and brother, but there is my dad and his cancer.

On Friday I had to see him to change tires, and I felt incredibly uncomfortable. I felt guilty. I found myself in my people pleasing copy mechanism.
However, his girlfriend wouldn’t want to say hello because „I don’t want to spend more time with them, we don’t have to discuss this now“.
I hate her. I’m sorry, but for one time I have to admit it.

His Life expectancy depends on the cancers growth at the end of chemo therapy. Mabye three months, mabye six, mabye longer. But I don’t know. He doesn’t know.

And I’m worried.
I’m worried that I’m the worst person on earth.

But I have bpd and I can’t control my episodes. And right now I feel like a fool writing this (I don’t even know if I am going to post this)

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Pain #silenttreatment #peoplepleasing #traumaresponse #Traumatized #help

Life has been hard at times, never seeming to ever find any lasting piece of mind. A ray of glimmering hope shines on my door, everything in my life stopped being such a choir. This incredible feeling can't be real , I am beginning to truly open up and feel. Her love gave my hardened heart amazing delight. Everything haunting me was for once was going to be alright, the unconditional love started to change, soon not much of my shining light would be left or remain. Her pain and agony I tried to understand, she was able to brake a steel hardened man. Tried to be brave and strong, but the fierce fight went on way to long. Beaten, battered, tattered. I had to crawl away before I was completely shattered. I am struggling to do my best coping with this unimaginable pain, as I was crying on the floor with my life spiraling down the drain. She already had another, I pray you get through to her before she brakes you to my brother. Never a whisper of an explanation why, all I could do is hold my head and cry. This angel was a meer fraud or illusion, why did I follow this delusion? I now know she will never explain herself, what do you know Im falling apart by myself. I truly hope she is happy and fulfilled, I dont wish her any ill will. I love her so much I dream of her still. The unbearable pain will forever remain, the ability to trust and love I may never regain. #Relationships #narcissist

So I’m really struggling right now because
My faith lies on what my children thinks of me when I eventually come out one day to explain my experience

I’ll never allow them go through this because I’m learned now

Hey there, I‘m 24 years old and I’m diagnosed with bpd.
So here’s the thing, when I lived at my moms house with her husband and my brother, it was the worst time after moving out of my dads house (yeah, relationships with my parents are kinda my thing).

I didn’t have the chance to express my feelings, I always had to explain myself and didn’t feel safe at all. She didn’t respect boundaries or asked why I react the way I do.

There was a time where I was addicted to alcohol (I’m sober for two years and will never go back) and drank two bottles of alcohol on a regular wednesday. All I remember is me crying and sobbing about my life and everything, but no one heard it. I stayed in my room until I had to vomit and needed my mother to help me (cause I wasn’t able to do that).
But instead of asking me what’s wrong or why I’m drinking, she just yelled at me.

Her father was an alcoholic, but that doesn’t mean I’m one too, right? A few months later my car almost broke and I decided that it was time to get a new car. So I made an appointment and took my girlfriend and my girlfriends mother with me.
Finally I had the guts to decide that I want this car at all cost.

And I worried and worried I’m till I felt sick. Yeah well, I told them and what could I say? They reacted the way I expected them to react.
Lots of yelling, telling me I could leave and that kind of shit. „How could you do this without asking us?!“
And I realized that I will never be happy or be myself around them.

It was the first time I did something on my own, and now I’m living in my own apartment and I’m SO GLAD.

After I moved in I continued talking to them.
But the criticism got too much for me, in her eyes I did and do everything wrong.

I already feel like a failure sometimes and I think it’s because of her treatment.
I’m also fairly convinced that she is a narcissist.

My brother still lives at her place, don’t know how he can handle it but I don’t care. She doesn’t treat him the way she does me. I’ve always been held to a different standard.

I have to live with the damage that my parents did to me and honestly it’s not easy, but then, no mental illness is easy.

So, do you regret cutting off contact?
#BPD #nocontact #Toxic #narcissist