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I‘m worried #toxicfamily #narcissist #BPD #Borderline #Cancer

My father was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. he has to do chemo therapy, then he will have surgery. The risk of death is about 95%.
Our relationship isn’t quite easy. When I was 10, my parents got divorced and my mother left us. My father, my brother and I were left alone. Then he hired a maid because he couldn‘t work and take care of the house and us kids. I was getting bad in school and always came back with poor grades. He yelled at me and wouldn’t talk to me for a few days or sometimes weeks.
I took care of my brother when my father or his maid weren’t around. I guess it was exhausting, but I don’t remember much from this age (0-14). I was told that my brother ran after my mother when she left us.

When I grew up, I showed the first symptoms of bpd. Of course I didn’t know it by then, but now I know, at the age of 24.
things got difficult and worse, and I didn’t like myself, nor was I happy.

I didn’t know that I was allowed to have needs. Feelings. I didn’t know what love was, I didn’t know I could ask for help. I didn’t even know there were emotions.

I was terrified of making mistakes because of the silent treatment. However, years later he started to date a women from parship. Apperently they liked each other and still do. She was..different. Speaking directly and giving me orders don’t work on me.
My walls were all up and I wasn’t even close to put them down.
At the age of 20 or 21 (I don’t remember) I moved out, to my mothers place. It was horrifying. But I made it to my own apartment with my girlfriend (we both have own apartments) and I’m definitely more happy like this.
I cut contact with my mother and brother, but there is my dad and his cancer.

On Friday I had to see him to change tires, and I felt incredibly uncomfortable. I felt guilty. I found myself in my people pleasing copy mechanism.
However, his girlfriend wouldn’t want to say hello because „I don’t want to spend more time with them, we don’t have to discuss this now“.
I hate her. I’m sorry, but for one time I have to admit it.

His Life expectancy depends on the cancers growth at the end of chemo therapy. Mabye three months, mabye six, mabye longer. But I don’t know. He doesn’t know.

And I’m worried.
I’m worried that I’m the worst person on earth.

But I have bpd and I can’t control my episodes. And right now I feel like a fool writing this (I don’t even know if I am going to post this)

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Pain #silenttreatment #peoplepleasing #traumaresponse #Traumatized #help

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There’s truth in this…

This resonates with me, after my daughter alienating us, her parents for a year, without explanation. #Family #MentalHealth #Cancer (-not me but my daughter, but it affects family) #PTSD (me) #silenttreatment #alienation #EmotionalAbuse

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Feeling like a total idiot ..... #COVID19 #longcovid #Anxiety #Depression #MentalHealth #Selfcare #Toxic #Abuse #youmatter

Even though I know I am doing the right thing , even though I know its best for my life and my mental health , Even though u know it was wrong way I was treated , the lies ,the nastiness,the horrible words,the way I was hurt, humiliated and made to feel worthless.Over those 5 years those even slight little moments and memories of the little things or stuff that made me happy and those times where things felt right and good at times pop into my head and then i feel I miss him (the old him ,the him that was the act ),I miss things(all obviously like role play to him)I miss those moments(something he'd probablysene on TV or heard about and was reenacting).Even when I knew I wasn't strong enough and was putting up with things I shouldn't have .Even though I know he probably didn't care or love me at all ,I still have these moments where i feel these ways and then I feel daft and angry at myself or as though I'm pathetic in ways for even having these thoughts when there is now so many more negative and hurtful memories and moments......

Just wish I could switch of feelings and when I know what he is now and what it all was why I still can't accept that and still then have these feelings ....

Anyone else any advice or been in similar situations??How did you get through it ? What did you feel like after it all and were you able to just forget ???

#COVID19 #longcovid #Anxiety #Depression #Selfcare #Toxic #Abuse #youmatter #beyou #COVID19 #MentalHealth #narcissist #Gaslighting #silenttreatment #Endometriosis #Insomnia #CheckInWithMe #loveyourself #knowyoureworth


Feeling void inside

After my sister started silent treatment, I feel down and empty inside. I try to distant myself from her, but we had boundaries issues while were in contact, so it is kind of difficult.

#silenttreatment is a form of #Abuse !

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Stood my ground #Depression #Anxiety #Gaslighting

So for the first time in a long time, I stood up for myself. My MIL was insisting I enroll my 4 year old at the school near her, 45 minutes from our home. She even went so far as to join the PTA. Realistically it would be fraud since we live in a different state, not to mention that we only have one vehicle and my husband has to be at work by 5.
I voiced my opinion multiple times that it wouldn't be feasible. Multiple times I was shut down. I finally spoke up and said what I wanted to and she's currently giving me the silent treatment. It's worth it to preserve what peace I have at the moment.

#silenttreatment #speakup #imnotadoormat