It has always been a battle.
And I’m just not so sure,
I even care enough to win anymore.
If I ever decide
That I just can’t, anymore.
With every ounce of my physical
I Just, literally, Can Not.
If I ever lose that everlasting
Tedious battle within myself.
If I ever.
I’ve always tried.
I am not saying this to be dramatic. I am saying this because I need to be held accountable for my actions.
I went over the edge of something bad Sunday evening. I was extremely upset and very suicidal with intent, and then I got extremely triggered at exactly the wrong moment. And I did something (not my usual self harm but something totally different). Luckily it did NOT end up physically harming me in any way, but I’d consider it a passive suicide attempt. I tempted fate pretty badly for about 15 minutes straight and prayed really hard for the necessary external force that would essentially break my body and I prayed harder than I’ve prayed in probably years, that it would kill me and not leave me quadriplegic. I acted impulsively and what I prayed for actually came close to happening but my plan wasn’t airtight and it went actually very right, and I am physically fine and healthy except for all the #Selfharm or #NSSI I’ve been doing. I was honest with my treatment provider I saw today and I was honest with my safe parents and my sister and my boyfriend, who took the time and had the unbelievable empathy to talk me down afterwards. He saved my life the last two nights in a row. He’s very kind. I think I scared the crap out of everyone including myself. :(
Now for the really good news, I heard from the complex trauma hospital and they were going to check out my insurance right after I spoke to them. They may be able to get me in this week! To be honest I had a rush of gratefulness and hope while I was on the phone with the lady and then a very short (less than an hour) depersonalized or derealized episode during which my muscles were all completely armored and frozen and I didn’t know what my name was or basically anything and could only move my thumbs to type. I don’t lose time when I dissociate usually so it was kind of like being conscious behind a glass wall in my head and unable to communicate with any other part of me including the part that was typing. As yet whatever this dissociative thing that’s going on is undiagnosed except for the CPTSD related stuff but I’m hoping I get some answers in the complex trauma/dissociative disorders program because I seem to “switch” even if I do not lose time and turn into several different “versions of myself” or I don’t even know if that’s what’s actually happening or even if anything is “actually happening”. But at least there’s a treatment center bed open soon, and if my insurance clears they’ll even save the bed for me (it’s 7 hours away or so). So maybe a little hope here and there? :)
Does anyone else feel like their mental condition/illness/issue (whatever the hell you wish to call it) STILL gets in the way of them having a happy & healthy relationship?? I always used to say “I’ll never get married and I have no desire to…EVER!” (Because I really didn’t have that desire or to have children for that matter). Recently, I met this awesome guy that I feel might be “the one”. However, I’m still so petty and have SO many toxic traits!! Today, I delete all of our Marco Polo videos and almost (but didn’t) block the dude on FB because I felt like he didn’t respond to my text because he didn’t like my response (MY assumption). That alone makes me feel like I’m incapable of ever having a healthy and sustainable, long-lasting relationship. I literally wear peppermint socks the way I keep putting my foot in my mouth!!!! Ugh. I feel hopeless. I’m not alone though, right?!
#manicdepression #MDD #Anxiety #Bipolar #NSSI #hopeless #help #Depression #Trauma #hurt #stupid #Pointless #suicidal
I have 3 days until I finish school for the semester. I am stressed. I have to much to do and maybe I am not cut out for engineering school. I mean I love it but my brain is on overload. Trauma therapy and regular therapy and 3 ptsd classes per week plus 7 academic credits (I was doing 14 but I couldn’t keep up.) I can only function when my #ADHD meds are working and I’m not dissociating. Self harm #NSSI is how I managed stress before. I don’t get why it’s so bad. I don’t get why it’s wrong. I’m not going to kill myself. I can promise that.
Sometimes I feel like the only way to shut the noise off in my head is by #Cutting . I don't know what direction I'm headed right now. Am I going through a #Manic or #depressive phase? I really just don't know. I missed two days of my medications recently but not in a row. #Selfharm feels like such a good idea right now! #NSSI #Addiction #Bipolar #Mania #Depression #Anxiety #OCD #ADHD #MentalHealth #MentalIllness
As I was trying to encourage my aunt, today, who is going through chemo, I told her that I knew that God would bring her through this trial victorious in more ways than she can imagine. It got me thinking about ways that we can be considered “victorious” in our many different journeys.
It is far too easy to allow myself to cower in the corner, as a victim. Whether due to emotional or physical pain, sometimes it feels like that’s as good as I can be, and somedays it truly is. But not every day.
Every time I accomplish something that leaves me feeling crippled by pain, I’m victorious over that pain, because I persevered.
Every time I allow myself to feel intense negative emotion, without nearly or actually giving myself a concussion, I’m victorious over my NSSI.
Every time my children come up to hug me and tell me I’m the “best mom ever”, I’m victorious over my self-doubt, because for just a moment, I’m able to glimpse myself through their eyes.
Every time I push myself through the day without a nap, I’m victorious.
Every day that I’m productive, even with a nap, I’m victorious.
Every time I smile at my kids’ antics, rather than yelling at them to be quiet, I’m victorious .
Every time I sacrifice my own comfort to care for the needs of my family, I’m victorious.
Every time my children have to fix themselves lunch, because I can’t get out of bed, I know that I have prepared them to be capable and independent, and I am victorious.
Every time my children show concern and love for one another, I know that I have thought them love and empathy, and I am victorious.
Every time my children complete a homeschooling assignment, I am victorious.
Every time I make a healthful meal, whether the little turkeys eat it or not, I am victorious.
When I can’t make anything more than a shake, I’m still feeding my body the nutrients to make tomorrow better, so I’m victorious.
And when I’m able to think of ways that I’m victorious, I’m DEFINITELY victorious!!🥳
How are *you* victorious, today?
What does your rock bottom look like? Mine looks a little like searching the house for sharps because you know all the main ones have been removed from the house, but maybe one has been missed? It looks like that feeling when you find the pair of scissors you used to wrap that present recently, knowing no one would suspect such an innocent thing could be such a powerful weapon in the wrong hands. It looks like holding them in your hands and feeling the cool metal on your skin and contemplating whether this is what you really want. Opening and closing them, inspecting them to see if they are sharp enough but not so sharp you would need medical attention if you went through with it…
Strength looks like.... Putting them back in the place where they were found, unused. Making the choice that you deserve better than that. That there are other ways to express the pain that you feel that do not leave scars. Maybe later you won't be so strong, but for now, hold onto the strength that you have found.
#NSSI #Depression #Anxiety
I know things seem not so great right now. It is an uphill battle and you are growing tired of the constant fight just wishing for an easy way out. I see you, I know it's hard, but please don't give up. Just remember that you are stronger and braver than you think that you are and while it all seems like a lot, you are capable of getting through this... It will just take time. Commit to the journey, it will be hard (sorry to tell you that but there is no point of sugar coating it) but I promise it will be worth it. It might not feel worth it right now, right now it might seem easier to stay stuck in your place of comfort that you built for yourself. That giant fortress that protects your heart from attack but also at times keeps you isolated and from showing your true self. You are worthy of love, even when you think that you are not. You have a daughter who’s very definition of amazing is... you. You have so much love to give so maybe you should try giving a little to yourself sometimes. The standards that you set for yourself are ridiculous, try easing up. It's hard, I don't want to downplay that at all but keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking steps, no matter how small. You will stuff up, it's guaranteed, you are not perfect, but the real secret is that no one is. Perfection is not a goal worth shooting for. Your stuff ups don't make you a failure though, they do not make you less than enough or any less than worthy, don't ever let yourself think that because I know that you often do. You have a uniqueness to bring to the world and no one else can play your part. One day you will look back on this season and smile, knowing that you put in the work to become the best version of yourself that you could be. Until then, take the steps, accept the wins, mourn the losses (but don't get stuck there) and keep on going. Keep being generous with your time, but know when to take some for yourself. Keep being generous with your words, but try to be kind with the words you say to yourself as well. When it seems like it is all falling apart and you can't keep on going any more, remember that there are people who will pick you up when you can't and help you to regain the energy to continue. Ask for the help, there is no shame in needing it. There is also no shame in admitting that things aren't working right and you need medication to help balance things out. There is no shame in being in therapy or in having a psychiatrist or in weekly visits to see Dr Behnaz. It is temporary, remember that, but hopefully you can use what you have learnt in this season to catapult you into the next or maybe even help others who are stuck in the same place as you. You have so much left to give so don't let this take you out. Chin up my love, this is not the end, it is a beautiful beginning of the very next step.
I know NSSI is an international epidemic, but it has been challenging getting individuals to join the online groups or the FB NSSI group that I created as a resource. For those who self-harm, what is it that you are looking for in a support group? What would encourage you to sign up AND attend an online group?
The groups are being run by someone with over 20 years of experience and over 520 cases of NSSI with having authored 4 books on the behavior.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELPFUL, open feedback so that we can work together to stop this epidemic.