relationshipsarehard

Everyday this week, I had consciously decided not to talk to this guy at work whom I’ve always liked, but because of past events along with me forever feeling that I’m either too much or not enough (among other feelings). For the last few months, we weren’t really speaking to each other because he started hanging out with the other guys at work and for that, I felt like he had abandoned me and I went from admiring him to hating him very fast. Overall, I can’t deny the fact that even though things have happened, he is a good guy. So this week, I’ve literally been praying that I could avoid him for the rest of the time that I was at work. On Monday when I did this, he ended up showing up at my work area and started talking to me. I brushed it off because I thought it was a one time thing and that he’ll go back to not talking to me again. The next day, the same thing pretty much happened. But what happened last night really scared me. I was working and he came in to help me. After a while of not saying much, he asked me about my family and also my mental health. I didn’t go into great detail because I didn’t know how he would take the heaviness of everything I’ve been feeling. So, I told him that it could be better than what it is now. And he literally said this:”You can tell me what’s wrong, let me make you feel better.” THAT was the moment that really scared me. I really didn’t know what to think let alone know how to handle it. It is hard to me to accept help and even harder for me to accept anything from a man. I know that he cares, but it’s hard for me to fully accept that anyone cares. I’ve been pushing him away and yet I find it hard to let him go. I’ve hated him, but would feel hurt because I felt he was leaving me behind. It’s all really confusing. I don’t expect anything major to come out of this, and thinking about it makes me all the more scared and anxious. #MentalHealth #Depression #Relationships #anxiousthoughts #devalue #value #scared #relationshipsarehard #pushingpeopleaway #Avoiding #feelings #Accepting #Men #feelingscared #battling

The other night at work, my coworker and I were talking about all that’s been happening in the world and it ended up with the subject of our mental well-being. He allowed me to tell him my whole rundown of the last few months of what’s been going on with me and it lead to a nice conversation. He opened up too about his past experiences with wanting to have someone who could be a listening ear and because of his experiences, it made him want to be of assistance to anyone who felt like they didn’t matter or no longer wanted to be alive. It was a total relief to talk about it because all of this has been sitting inside me while I’m at work and all they’ve seen is me being happy and jovial, but when I leave from there, sometimes I implode in the worst way. I have another coworker whom I’m forever in an emotional push and pull. I like the guy, but there are times that I have quickly devalued him because of the things he has done. I’ve even had moments when I’ve hated him when earlier I had admired him. He is a good person, but I find that I want to push him away sometimes. I’ve even been praying to avoid him most times, but he seems to be popping up more than before. We use to talk a lot, but when he started hanging out with the others, I would see him less and less. He didn’t say much to me for a while. And that put me in a tailspin because I felt like I had been abandoned by him. I don’t expect anything to come out of this at all, and even now, I’ll try to avoid him and he’s there either staring in my direction or he has something to say. I know that I can’t handle anything serious with my poor mental health and for that, I feel like I would only bring another person hell if they ever got close enough. #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #Depression #devalue #Admire #Relationships #relationshipsarehard #openup #Openingup #openingupfinally #pushingpeopleaway #Feelingabandoned #ImListening

I'm tired of allowing people into my life who always seem to leave after a while of knowing me. When this happens, I automatically think that it's me- I'm not interesting enough, I'm not worth the time, I'm not enough, period. I feel so frustrated and abandoned. Lately, I've been feeling like it would be better for me to disappear from every person who has slighted me. I'd like to believe that I could have normal relationship, but it all ends with me wondering why they've left. And I'm left feeling empty more than I did before. This is torture. #MentalHealth #Depression #Sadness #anger #abandonment #abandomentissues #frustrated #imnotenough #beingleftout #tiredofitall #relationshipsarehard #friendshipstruggles