Schizophrenia Spectrum and Psychotic Disorders

I keep remembering this one guy who knew my uncle and he told me my life could be a lot worse and then one time I used to talk to this girl who was a really bad nasty person who took advantage of me and he told me I am too young to be hanging out with her that she is a fine lady. I also keep remembering there was this one guy who worked as a mental health technician at the mental hospital I was in and he told me to leave him alone and then he saw me got hospitalized again and he asked how I am doing. Another mental health technician named Alex told me what I am going through must be tough and it doesn’t effect his life whatsoever. I can’t count how many times I have had men be rude and disrespectful to me even cops. I don’t see why they can’t be nice. I have been called ugly my whole life. I don’t know why people have to be so rude to me. That’s why I am not gonna tolerate bullsh*t anymore and I am gonna be mean too. There have been plenty of more times people have been rude to me; countless. That is why I choose to stay away from people. I rather be by myself..
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I used to go online and pretend to be other pretty girls to talk to attractive men and when all these men found out who I really was; I got called ugly. There was one guy in particular his name was Mike; he was a white guy with muscles, he called me ugly and fat. I got so much attention from men when I was posing as these pretty girls online when in reality when I am me, no attractive men talk to me or even pay interest in me. I hate the way I look. It sucks. Throughout my whole life men have rejected me. There are so many pretty girls out there that are depressed that I would love to look like. I just feel like I am different that I don’t look pretty like the other girls.

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I wish all attractive men that I would like are all madly attracted to me forever and always treat me the way I desire

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I have been seeking mental help since I was little and I am 28 years old now. I hope that i eventually find the right mental help that will help me live a life that makes me happy and gives me fulfillment. It would mean the world to me if i find the type of mental help that I am looking for that can change my life. I have been to several different mental hospitals and they don’t help out properly. I live in Florida.

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Not sure if anyone will find this interesting, but I sometimes have moments of lucidity into what it’s like living with schizoaffective disorder. I’m not up to date on the latest research, but from my experience, I believe the "split" in schizophrenia is actually a survival or coping mechanism in response to extreme duress.

When I’m not split from myself, I’m much more sensitive to pain. I notice how my skin can feel like it’s burning, and how each passing moment carries a suffocating gravity with it. It’s difficult to sit with these sensations, but meditation has helped me find ways to channel and understand the pain and discomfort. In a lot of ways, it’s helping me come back to myself — one little step at a time. Acknowledging and understanding why the pain is there, and then integrating it into my life, rather than numbing it out or splitting away from it. It’s agony sometimes, but it’s worth it to feel anything again.

I think the disorganized thinking often seen in schizophrenia is a symptom of that split. When you create a second self that’s numb to what your authentic self is experiencing, you lose your true anchor. It becomes easy to get caught up in the whirls and eddies of other people’s consciousness and motives, without realizing you’ve become completely detached from your own values. (This is actually what my children’s book was about.)

When the second self gets corrupted, it’s understandable that the personality loses its integrity and becomes fragmented and disorganized.

Those of us with schizoaffective disorder are a small subset of the population — but in some ways, I think this happens to everyone, just to different degrees. I’m grateful I’m making progress in navigating this disease. If sharing this helps someone else who’s struggling, even better.#SchizophreniaSpectrumPsychoticDisorders #schizoaffective #Schizophrenia