selftherapy

I have been writing this from 10:20pm to 11:43 pm, hmm.. quite a moment.

I am so dead inside... emotional numbness!
I couldn't face my own child's need.. I was too exhausted and depressed, I couldn't give my son comfort..

My son was crying in his bedroom, he is 2.5 years old, and he needs me.. he wanted me to be with him to put him into his bed... I have always be there for him.. but tonight I just cannot face him.. i was hiding in the other room, and my husband still busy with his work, and he needed me as well.. he knows our son was crying but he had to finish his work.. I couldn't help him either.

There I was... just remain still inside the room.. heart broken.. painful, too much pain inside me.. and I couldn't explain.. i couldn't control it...

I was hoping I dont need to hear my son's sobbing.. am I a bad mother? to be honest, I am not the good one.. keep trying and keep learning yet keep failing.

I wish I could have just fought this depression a little bit better and harder... really wish.

There were times a bit easier though. Today it wasn't.

I have been trying to cope my mood swings with caffeine therapy, frankly it was not the best choice but sometimes it work to stabilize my mood, sometimes fails. I don't want to use any prescribed meds since I had some bad experience as an addict. So, its difficult for me. Tried also this self hypnotherapy but then, if the mood swings extremely slow and low, I just cannot control my self to get up and be active, this mood swings really put me in the rollercoaster ride. Like today, everything was chaotic.

I still have not found the best fit for my therapy provider, because the insurance is the obnoxiously important part of your life yet it would only gives you extra baggage. Irony is the essence of my life.

So here I am, undiagnosed with unregulated emotions, mood swings, depression come and go.. wait, it doesn't go.. just a little bit vague, anxiety all the way, disorder indeed, obsessive compulsive in waiting list to attack the nerves whenever my sensories get disturbed with clutters, annoying stain and dust, even smell, so iritatable. The weird stuff is that when my brain keep talking inside in English while I am speaking non-english.. and it is hard for me to write in my native language. So I literally use Google translate to translate my own writing back and forth.

Whatever it is... I realize that I need help. Yep.. these are the symptoms of "redflags" that I have been through for years. I have been trying to keep my self together without any profesional therapy with a little ups and too many lows. So, lesson learned that life just cannot be perfect.. at all.

Thanks for reading guys! Sometimes I dont need anyone to care about my conditions, but to know that I am not alone, truly a relieve.

Friend hugs for everyone that in desperate need! I guess I am one of them.

I've struggled with my #CPTSD depression many many times, but while my anxiety has always been high-functioning (excluding the times I had to leave work from panic attacks). I've been on meds before and choose not to take it, much to my therapist's dismay. Nowadays I don't see a therapist, I do #selftherapy and smoke the beautiful Mary Jane in my heart sessions too.

As beautiful as She is, my trauma-ridden body and mind are needing something stronger again. This is where I get worried about myself. Where my depression gives me suicide idealisation, anxiety makes me want to try bad things to stop my brain from sprinting ALL THE TIME.

I was never allowed to be exposed to anything as a person living under my step-father's roof, was never allowed to go out and explore parts of life that would help me make good choices. It was drilled in my ear to be discerning and make good choices, but given very little space to prove myself without the fast pull-in. Always just enough rope to hang me with...

At age 24, I'm curious. Always have been and even after I moved out of the house, was cautious for the most part of chemical drugs (save for those nights in Amsterdam and small bars in The Hague...). actually no I'm lying, that's what I used to tell myself when I felt guilty smoking weed.

Grammarly here is telling me that my text sounds Assertive, the one thing I was always lectured I needed to be more like. The thing I always worry about, the self-doubt that tells me I'm not as good as I know deep down I am, but still believing the toxic lies that echo in the hallways of my brain. The lies that conditioned me like a ninja, now I chop through shitty opinions and expectations with the trained precision I was trained with.

At the end of the day, chronic anxiety is a symptom of constant stress and hypervigilance, physical and mental.

Will the anxiety ruin me with 'Failure to Thrive Syndrome'?
Or will I rise above it to get out of the rat race and live freely?

I just always thought things were supposed to be that way; I was conditioned to feel guilt and shame if I was in a good mood. So, things felt right to me to feel bad and to me, pain was comfort; it was home.it shocked me to learn that life could feel amazing and that everyone else felt that way.... #healingfromchildhoodtrauma #CPTSD #selftherapy #Selfdiscovery #narcissism

I realized the reason I relied on the outside world to tell me what I should do and what I felt was because I couldn't trust my inner voice; she was cruel demeaning belittling and often humiliated me. It was only when I started #selftherapy that I began to heal and realize the voice I heard was my abuser's voice ....my authentic inner voice had been hiding in a closet waiting to be rescued. #Journaling