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Self Explanatory..

When you've had a mentally crazy day, weeks, & month you document that ish. You let that vulnerability side shine. You educate ppl about how mental illness is different for everyone who battles that demon..

IT happened today. Anxiety attack IN my classroom. Thankfully, I knew it was about to happen so I called for one of my bosses to come in & let me go calm down. I'm usually pretty solid when my normal co-teachers are out but today had other plans. Did it get better after that mini break you wonder... absolutely NOT! That overwhelming feeling lingered til I clocked out. Trying anything & everything to stay calm for my students was a work within itself. They knew I wasn't myself.... and in all honesty, THAT broke my heart. Being told to "relax" was brutal. That is ONE phrase I HATE when I'm in this state of mind.

Once I got in my car, it's as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders & I just wanted to sprinkle some strength water on my cheeks & let it fall down, but I told myself NOT in work parking lot. The drive home was something, that's for sure. It was filled with meditation music on low & windows down. Did it help, one hundred percent.

Am I embarrassed that I had to ask for help, absolutely. Do I know it's okay to ask for help, especially when it involves my mental frame at work, absolutely... BUT, the way my anxiety works is, it feeds my brain shame. Embarrassment. Weakness. Guilt. All the negative energy possible.

Today, this post is dedicated to you. You're the real mvp. I have given you the towel for the rest of the night. You win. Tmrw tho, that's my day! The towel is mine!

If you've made it this far, thank you for listening. For anyone battling days like this, you're not the weakest link, remember that! There's always sunshine after the darkness. ALWAYS!!

#Anxiety #Migraines #GAD #AnxietyAttacks #Overwhelming #MentalHealth #Chatspace #CheckInWithMe

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What the actual...

My last post was a YEAR AGO 😩, I was so excited to finally be able to use this app and communicate with people who just understand me. It’s such a weird world to live in when every conversation it’s like I have to be careful not to offend, not to say too much, not to be to #Overwhelming , not to be a #Burden ... (I’m sarcastically laughing while typing that bc it’s always from the people who tell me “you can always come to me”, then I do and they’re like ‘do you seriously have to be so sad all the time? You’re ruining things for me”) it’s almost as if you are #alone in the world. You know in movies when it shows someone sitting or standing still but everyone/thing else moving extremely fast around them? I’m the person sitting still... I feel like that on a regular basis. Anyone else? Everything I say or do will be used against me at some point... and I hate it. I felt like this app could be a genuinely safe & GOOD place for my mental health. For some reason though, it’s ‘just another website to talk to people you don’t know’ (another one? I use Twitter & Instagram & have had both for YEARS) & ‘that’s really weird bc who tells a complete stranger anything personal about them?’... Then I feel guilty, ashamed, RIDICULOUS... There are reasons why I’ll be here and then disappear. I just get tired of arguing about things that I shouldn’t have to argue about. Does anyone else have these issues w/family, friends, s/o?? #Anxiety #Depression #Dissassociating #CPTSD #Relationshipproblems #Relationships

*picture Me & Riley being silly!! She’s kind of a big deal #Blessed

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Numbness never felt so good

I have been numb for so long that it is hard to remember what it feels like when I wasn't this way. Sunday was a good day. Amazingly enough, I had no idea what to do with myself because the feeling was so out of the norm for me. Before Christmas I finally admitted to myself that my relationship with my husband was really with a stranger and more that of passing roommates than anything more. I tried to wait until after the holiday to approach him, but I couldn't hold it together long enough. I cried for days and finally asked for help from my doctor. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough and a month later, I found myself in the emergency room with #SuicidalIdeation , #massivedepressivedisorder, #Anxiety , and feeling #hopeless and like I was a #failure , at life, marriage, friendship, family, etcetera and little to no reason to live.

Here it is, a month later, and the feelings persist. The #Depression continues, the #Anxiety builds, the medication has been given and taken away, more tests have been performed and I continue to wonder if and when I will ever feel like the old me.

Most days, I am #numb . It is a feeling that I prefer to the extreme #Sadness and #Overwhelming feeling of #failure .

Baby steps, do what I can when I can, even if it to just get out of bed.


So annoyed

I dont even have the patience to type out how annoyed I feel today but I feel it. I feel this snowballing and worry a lot about things getting out of control again. I havent slept the past few nights and each day gets worse. I need to press pause. #Overwhelming


Out of it..

Do you ever just feel so out of it that you avoid people? Like the thought of talking to someone makes you nauseous? That’s where I’m at with life… I avoid everyone… #Anxiety #Depression #Overwhelming #help


#Overwhelming everythingness!

I am a jangling cacophony of stress and nerves in my mind. I feel so utterly inundated with sensing and feeling everything that I can barely speak without a breakdown.

I will be back at work in the morning doing the things that I have to do. I'm "soaring and succeeding", but actually, I'm flailing and failing.

Why am I here and why am I so ....me.
#ADHD #RejectionSensitiveDysphoria #adhdinattentive

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#Overwhelming Depression and Anxiety

#Depression Hi,
I am new here. I am a 58 year old single female trying to support my son who is a recovering meth addict and my 3 year old grandson.
I also suffer with Chronic Major Depressive Disorder with Suicidal Ideations, General Anxiety Disorder , and Social Anxiety Disorder. I am also partially physically handicapped as I use a walker and wheelchair to get around.
I have been laid off from my job since March and I am now financially broke. I even just entered into a debt relief program last week.
So then this happens today....
I am so overwhelmed with bad things happening that I don’t know what to do or where to begin. I got a call to come into work meeting this Thursday to find out if I get to keep my job that I have had for 22 years because of COVID. I also found out that one of my dearest friends lost her job of 18 years for the same reason. My son borrowed my car today, that I bought used 2 months ago, and it won’t start and he can’t come home till something is done with the car.
I am so afraid all of this added stress is going to send me back into an episode. I don’t want to go back into the hospital and I don’t want to start constantly thinking about suicide again.
I am tired and depressed beyond belief. I have been on my bed all day as you can see in my pic.
Any words of advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.


Potentially Triggering

At the end of March I relapsed into self-harming due to the stress of work and being mentally overwhelmed. While I was furloughed my mental health was up and down. Back at work and I'm really starting to struggle.
Yesterday I had fleeting thoughts of overtaking at dangerous points along my car journey to work and all day and all night as well as so far this morning all I've thought about is hurting myself. The only thing that's stopped me so far is not knowing where to do it so it won't be noticed. Last night I thought about taking one extra tablet, I don't know what it would have done or how it would have made me feel but just felt like it was the only way I could feel better.
That "itching" feeling when you so desperately want to do it raises the anxiety level further and I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't know what to do, I'm feeling everything and nothing at the same time.
#Selfharm #Anxiety #Depression #Relapse #Overwhelming #TriggerWarnings


Talking #Needy #Overwhelming #Anxiety

I talk... A LOT. I say most of the things that come to my mind. I like to talk about things that interest me or apply to me, as everyone does. That being said, I'm still staying with my grandma. She never told me that my talking so much overwhelms her, which I guess it does that to a lot of people so I shouldn't talk so freaking much... Anyway, she started crying today in the car after telling me she was overwhelmed by all the things in the world. Basically I talk about everything too much. This made me feel really bad about making her feel like that, but it also made me feel like I don't really have someone I can talk to all the time. When I get quiet, that's when you know I'm not okay, usually. There's obviously exceptions to that both ways, but that's not the point here. The point is I can't just talk and talk the way my mind constantly wants to. I feel like if I can just get the words out then I'll be able to comprehend what's in my mind a lot better. This is why I talk to myself a lot. I'm too overwhelming to others when I do that though. It doesn't seem like there's anywhere that I can just think out loud. I feel like I have to vocalize what goes through my mind even if it's just in whispers when I'm alone in a room. But I can't do that all the time and that's really hard for me to accept. My family is fine with it for the most part cuz they really don't care if I'm talking as long as they're not trying to concentrate on something. This is just really hard for me, even though it makes sense. Idk maybe I'm just crazy.