SH

I feel like such a burden to everybody around me. I can't seem to do anything but hurt them. I've been crying myself to sleep every night for the past few weeks, and every day I have to stop myself from cutting. I need help but I don't know how to reach out and ask for it. After coming out as trans, things seem to be harder for me too. I've finally figured out who I am, but it seems that I can't be that person. All because other people don't like it. Within the past week, I've had 4 attempts and a total of over 70 cuts and then 2 burns. I'm scared. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to ask for help. *sigh* I'm stuck with a fake laugh and a lying smile. But I don't know how much longer this can go on. Seems like there's always someone who disapproves. Judge me and hate me without even knowing me. And it's even worse when they do know me because then they know where to hit me. Where my soft spots are. I go through each day not knowing why I'm still here. Here being on Earth, or in a house that doesn't feel like home anymore, I don't know. I've tried talking to my mom but it doesn't seem to quite get through. I still spend each day struggling. I still spend each day wondering. Wondering if it'll ever get better, wonder if I'll get a chance to really live this life that I've been given. I try so hard to make things easier for my friends and my family, but when do I get to make things easy for me? I'm 16, but I've lived the struggles of someone 30. I've been raped, molested, on the verge of death. I've been through across rooms and called horrible things that nobody should ever be called. I've been starved and beaten. And yet nobody ever thinks to stop and ask, "Can I help?" or "Are you okay?" I'm only 16, I'm a child! Why am I being forced to do all of this on my own? It's not fair that I'm forced to think that I'm crazy when I say I'm never heard here. My mom is great, she's better than I deserve. But her boyfriend is a gaslighting emotionally abusive man who thinks he's the fucking king. He pretends to be supportive but then turns around and talks shit about me to his friends and his mom. For years I've been trying to tell my mother that he degrades me and makes me feel like I'm not worthy. I've even said it bluntly and it's always "We're working on it" or "I'm doing the best I can". And I know that this makes her sound bad, but I promise you that I see that she's trying. But I can also see that her boyfriend is not willing to change at all. He's an alcoholic, but I can't be around alcohol. I used to be an alcoholic...when I was about 10 to 15. And then I was over it because I didn't like how it made me feel (the stealing or the alcohol), not to mention that I have complete panic attacks when he drinks because I have PTSD from 2 different men doing and saying things while they were drunk. ONE OF THEM BEING HIM!! I just...*sigh* I don't know what to do anymore.#Depression #Survivor #Anxiety #LGBTQ #helpme #SH #trans

"Ya, oh

She want me, I know it, even tho' I'm broken

When she look at me, I see, that she's also hopeless

I notice her emotion flowin' out, her heart is open

Because she trust me (I think she loves me)

I hold her close with passion, imagining what could happen

She acting like a bandage, she healing all my damage

Yeah she's the one I've been waiting for to, land on my planet

Unlike them other girls she got my back and she won't stab it

This is true love, no there's not a plot twist

Knowing what she's thinking, yes I'm friends with her conscience

Clearing out my toxins every time we talkin'

Kiss me in the dark, middle of our movie watching

You the best thing and everything a friend could be

You got my heart locked up, I could never leave

Staying up late at night when we textin'

My plate's full, but time with you I'll keep on spending (okay)

I hate it when you're not with me

'Cause it feels like something's missing

'Cause it feels like something's missing

I hate it when you're not with me

I hate it when you're not with me

'Cus it feels like something's missing

Ay, ay

I'ma show you everything and everything I hide behind

Tell you my whole story, I can take you back to '99

Loving you's a sequence, keeps my heart beating

I'ma keep you warm even if it means I'm freezing

Used to act reckless, then I met you

We both eatin' breakfast underneath the moon

People think we crazy from the stupid things we do

I love it when you're weird, 'cause I know I'm weird too

Yeah, that's just how we live, acting like some kids

Running with the bugs through the grass in the mist

Girl I'll give you everything, that's my final offer

I can be your knight, protect you from the monsters, yeah

I hate it when you're not with me

'Cause it feels like something's missing

'Cause it feels like something's missing

Okay"

This is the song that "belonged" to me and my ex-boyfriend. I still love him, but I can never have him. Right now, this song is getting me through a really hard time. I'm at a very low point right now.

#Depression #Anxiety #Pain #help #SH #Love

Little Sara, you're a diamond in the rough

And I know that you don't hear this all enough

And I'm sure that's why your wrists have tons of cuts

And I'm sure that's why you think you're not enough

On your 19th birthday, you thought that you were done

Tons of people in your home, but it only felt like one

'Cause your brain can only think about the waiting loaded gun

But your friends are all still here, so pretend you're having fun

All your friends they wanna drink 'cause it's your birthday

But you've been drinking straight probably since last Thursday

Drinking is the only thing that makes you feel just okay

It keeps the trigger finger off the trigger and at bay

Your mind can only think about the things it shouldn't

Your brain is filled with thoughts of wishing that ya didn't

Little Sarah, perk your ears up, try to listen

But she can't hear a sound because she's locked in a prison

She can barely see the pavement

She can barely read the signs

People think she's complicated

But never wanna look inside

'Cause she's a little too R-rated

And they're a little too damn blind

She's just looking for her angels

But they're a little hard to find

Little Sara, you've been skipping out on class

And any minute now, your friends are gonna ask

Why the hell you're always acting sorta sad?

And why the hell your weed just never seems to last?

But the truth is, you don't wanna let your secret out

'Cause they think it's wrong for you to take a different route

All except your mom too bad that she's just not around

And don't get me wrong, those words you've tried to get them out

But their views been skewed from their plastic news

From their plasma tubes, so they won't fit in your shoes

Except for Sunday blues, but you got Monday blues

And you got Tuesday blues, damn, every day ya might lose

All your friends they wanna smoke 'cause it's a Friday

But you've been smoking straight probably since last Sunday

I know you know you shouldn't say that you are okay

But you still look 'em in the eye and lie then go to use your ashtray

Little Sara, last night, you got it bad

In that moment, you could barely even

Add up two or three reasons why you're glad

And I guess that's why you grabbed your pen and pad

It was 6:14, and you could barely even read

All the words you'd written down when it was time for you to leave

Your phone was on the ground and you could barely hear it ring

Couldn't even hear a sound, couldn't feel a single thing

Now it's 6:15, and you're on your knees

Blood is on your sleeves, and your lungs won't breathe

Eyes are watering, body's shivering

And you're wondering what is happening

Now it's 6:23, and they're on their knees

Begging "Jesus please, can you make her breathe?"

'Cause they finally see what was happening

Cause they finally see what was happening

Underneath their nose and underneath your sleeves

#Depression #Anxiety #SH #LGBTQ #Teen #PTSD #helpme