shamed

I’m having difficulty with forgiveness right now. I listened to a YouTube video with the title “Grief - Pathway to Forgiveness”

I have so much to say I could not just reply the the post on forgiveness last week.

I had listened to that video hoping I would literally get some easy steps in how to forgive. Insteas it listed emotions associated with undisguised grief. Until I saw the list I didn’t even realize I was holding onto these emotions and they were blocking my ability to forgive.

For me until I let myself grieve for what created those feelings it would be very difficult to forgive those who caused them. “I need to grieve for what I deserved and didn’t get”. “For what I got and didn’t deserve”. This is not straight forward at all. Especially as I know grief is not linear.

Being raised by narcissists I was so disconnected to the point I consistently dissociated away from all feelings. So until I saw that list I couldn’t have articulated any of them for to anyone. I could try to explain and justify why I developed that strategy but I’m so tired. Tired of trying to prove that being gaslighted and scapegoated back to my earliest memory created so much difficulty, and suffering. This impacted my whole childhood up to this day. I literally accepted this treatment as “normal” until very recently. After years of therapy, emotional pain and suffering. This impacted every single friendship, romantic relationships and my work. It wasn’t even just my parents who gaslighted and scapegoated me. My 3 older siblings did too.

How do forgive 5 people who chose staying in their own denial so they could pretend they are all at peace at my expense. For years I was made to feel from anyone I ever had the courage to share my feelings, thoughts and perspective of my lived experiences. All got was more gaslighting and bullying. Unfortunately this made so vulnerable to others who had any level of a narcissistic personality style. In some cases unintentionally from people who thought toxic positivity was a cure to fix decades of what essentially was brainwashing. In my case I was brainwashed that I don’t matter. Doubting myself 24/7 about everyone and everything. Constantly accusing me that I was always blowing everything out of proportion, just being too sensitive and essentially made to feel I was making everything up. That how I experienced my life was figments, distortions

It is not easy or straightforward to forgive this. Even though I understand intellectually forgiveness is supposed to bring me peace and not to give my family a free pass for how badly they hurt me. Especially none of them are even willing to allow for any kind of healthy communication. I only get more and more gaslighting and scapegoating. #hurt #angry #sad #Dissapointed #shamed #gaslight narcisstic abuse survivor #scapegoated

Had a painful divorce... which i didn’t want. My barely functional and very sick wife unable to see me suffer and grieve severed our relationship. Pleading and repeated assurances, promises and apologies for unintended guilt of omissions and commissions over two years all came to naught.

You can imagine... it has actually only compounded my grief and misery. we were once seen as an ideal couple and did so many wonderful things together and were so deeply in love. was so invested in her and our relationship that to see anything other and worthwhile in me is an impossibility and... 😢 i now live with a terrible sense of guilt and shame

In my early fifties, no kids and no siblings. Feel terribly wounded by my extended family who took me for a laughing stock much of my life and merciless in judging and ergo I practically have no connections with them. Most friends too hearing and knowing my sad story and guess many holding me responsible for my misery richly deserving, keep a distance and indeed i’m myself loath to talk much...a sense of indifference, fear, vulnerability overpowers me. I have an aging 83 old mother for company who is senile and barely cognizant of my emotional turmoil and grief. Further a restlessness, uneasiness engulfs me and find it difficult to concentrate on any task. Counseling and medicines just barely keep me functional... With all the energy and motivation i can draw from deep inside, i crawl... My wife’s pain, her cries and suffering I still feel and experience, gutting me... Feel terribly alone, shameful, humiliated and want to end it all...😢
#acutedepression #shamed #Loss #Loneliness #SuicidalThoughts #failure #Humiliation

The other day I posted on Facebook about wanting to find a good GP as mine was not listening to me about my Fibromyalgia and even gave me a letter of the wrong diagnosis. I have found a new GP thanks to my friend Grace for her recommendation, who I am extremely excited to see. But today I had to go to my current GP to get my new medication from my specialist and get all my records he has of my condition so far so I can give it to my new GP.
During my visit with him he asked if I had a boyfriend that stays with me. I told him I had a beautiful girlfriend that comes in with me sometimes and that we live together. He then asked me if I had ever seen a shrink before. I told him I have, he then continued to ask me if I like men sometimes but just prefer girls. I told him that I only like girls. Then to my absolute shock he asked me “what happened to me to make me that way” I looked at him with a shocked face and couldn’t get my words out as that’s wildly inappropriate and completely unprofessional from a dr. I said to him I was born this way which is the fucking truth.

I have never felt so uncomfortable in my life. I don’t understand how this has anything to do with my fibromyalgia! He knows that I have anxiety and also knows that when I am put in uncomfortable situations I become stressed, if I stress too much it can send me in to a massive flare, more so then I am now. I can not believe how unprofessional and inappropriate today’s visit was. He gave me my scripts and my letter so I can get on the disability, I quickly read the letter (I wanted to get out of there as quickly as I could) and he hasn’t wrote down that this is a permanent condition or all of my symptoms that affect my ability to work. I knew he didn’t listen but this was extreme! He made it out like I was just having sleeping problems!

I am reporting this behaviour to the Australian medical board.

No one should ever question your sexuality, especially a health professional. Nothing happens to us to make us gay. We are just gay.
Absolutely disgusted and upset.

#Fibromyalgia #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #DoctorVisit #shamed #fuckyou