Spiralling

Right now I just need a pause button or just for any one of my problems just to ease up just a little so I can make even a little progress with any of https://it.Just a moment .The smallest bit of hope is all I need,I’m not afraid to do the work and I will never give up because I am all my kids have,but everyday gets harder everyday feels like my only progress has been to feel like I’ve failed a little more.
I faught,I survived I got myself and my kids away from emotional and psychological abuse I’ve had experience’s that my brain repressed and now the flashback nightmares make me actually fear sleeping,this house is more of a prison now than when it was during the https://abuse.I knew healing would be hard and https://long.I did things right I got help I’m diagnosed (ptsd&anxiety)I’m on waiting list for cbt.4 nearly 5 years after court battle for custody I thought our quality of life would be better,we have faught so hard ,my kids have not just survived but each one has excelled not just personally but in education as well going from strength to strength and when people credit that to me I tell them it’s not mine ,credit the children it’s theirs to https://own.finances are a massive part but the options I’ve been offered I can’t even entertain as they either are a risk to my freedom and therefore I deem as jeopardising my kids future or at the cost of what little personal self worth that I’ve managed to cling to because I know that if I could just catch that little bit of hope a little hand find a light on my path I can do so much https://better.just one day please please one thing just choose not to slap me in the face or make the load even heavier. I’m a good mum I’m a good person and each day I try to be more than I was the day before for my own well-being and to set a healthy https://example.someone please tell me please give me some clue or some insight some wisdom just something I can grab to stop this cold dark spiral 😞

I am currently in the "appeal process." Previously, over 4 months ago I got denied... for the third time. It was after going through the court. And before anyone asks... yes I had a lawyer AND an attorney. And paperwork, doctors notes, diagnoses both mental and physical- evidence, and an evaluation. And my boyfriend's 3-page testimony and my own that was 10 pages. I started this process in 2017. It was exhausting both physical AND mental. eons of waiting, eons of paperwork, eons of humiliation. Eons of confusion and questions. Lawyers, attorneys, you name it. But it had to be done because you see... I am disabled. I can't work, I barely can function. And I have little support from anyone outside of my boyfriend whom guess what? Also, happens to be disabled! We didn't plan it that way, we are very atypical in our relationship but we love each other and want to support each other in every way we can. We are FAR from perfect and struggle IMMENSELY on our own and together... but we would rather struggle together than alone. Anyways, the denial. Well... the main excuse the judge used to say I wasn't disabled was a doctor's note on a convo we had after the appointment topic was finished. he asked me if I find any joy or fun in anything and such and I liked the doctor and he was younger and friendly and I said I play steam games once in a while on PC. I said I have to take a lot of breaks and I do it as a distraction for the pain and mental so I don't go stir crazy stuff. I didn't think anything of it till the judge at my hearing brought it up because the doctor wrote down our conversation topic and basics on my file. The judge used that convo/note in my file and used it as a way to prove I'm not disabled. It sickened me and pissed me off and just... I have no words. Apparently, if you're disabled you can't enjoy anything ever and can't do anything if you're housebound- just sit there. I play games and virtual stuff because if I just sit there in silence, my thoughts grow dark, the pain worsens, I become more depressed and feel even more useless. I have to do something, invest in something or I'd go insane. I don't think that makes me any less disabled. It hurts so much. I told my lawyer is this even legal? This isn't right or ethical?! And they said it WAS legal because ANYTHING I say, or ANYTHING on any piece of paperwork in my file is allowed to be used as evidence to build their denial case for you. I said I thought your supposed to assume I'm disabled first- and only deny if evidence proves otherwise- but they said no that's how criminal court works. For disability cases, they ONLY search for evidence in your file AGAINST your case- and if they have enough basis to legally deny you they will. I said that can't be right... but apparently that's how it works...
#Disability #MentalHealth  #Depression  #Anxiety  #ChronicIllness  #Ableist #Shame
#PTSD  #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder   #Discrimination   #help  #Spiralling   #Spoonie

I don’t know...I think it’d be nice to talk to someone. My brain just feels like mush 24/7 and I feel like I’m lost in my thoughts most of the time than not. I feel all the parts are working except my skull is pressing into my brain, not enough to hurt just enough to feel uncomfortable. I don’t know how to stop being a disappointment. A part of me is saying this is conditional, it’s not permanent it’ll stop once school ends. A part of me is saying the issue is not circumstantial. I honestly believe that more. I’m realizing I’ve been not good for years now. This semester just happened to be stressful enough for me to show my true colors and I honestly hate it. I’m so mean, not as mean as a certain person keeps telling me but wow I’m not a nice person. I look in the mirror and feel like if I wasn’t as sound as I am I’d be something truly horrifying. But my eyes are dead. My hair is flat and split and tangled. I look tired and dull and scared and angry. I’m certain enough of my mental state not to be worried but I really do look like the villain before they became the villain. Like the beginnings, when they’re giving their tragic backstory. It’s kinda comforting in a way, I think I’d be more worried if my outsides didn’t match my insides. I honestly don’t believe anyone on this site is gonna read this and that’s okay. But I need you guys to know I know how crazy I sound and maybe I’m just being a bit over theatrical, but I know I’m human, I’m not a monster. There are things that are better than a year ago and things that are worse. I just really need to find a reason to live. A way to get out of bed in the morning. A way to remind myself not to over eat or buy take out when I start getting stressed. A pat on the back to tell me it’s okay if I need to be medicated for my depression and that even if it can’t go away completely I can learn to live a full life with it. And then a follow up of them saying it’s okay that I flinch when people touch me and I’ll get over it. A thought that I am capable of loving someone and being loved and just because I’ve been touch starved all my life doesn’t mean I’m a lost cause. Cause I’m not a lost cause, I’m just lost. But it feels like I keep looking for a map, or a guide and none of the answers are right. Like ‘oh yep that’s a map’ but it’s not my map or someone says, ‘oh well I took the route behind the waterfall’ but that paths flooded. I can’t keep living off of “someday I’ll be okay” when I needed to be better than I was today yesterday. If someone knows how to start being better today I’d really appreciate it. I hope everyone’s trying, not their best it’s okay if you can’t do that right now, just trying. I hope you guys are on your way and to those who aren’t I’m rooting for you. I’m just lost. #Spiralling #Depression #hopelessness #dyinginside #help

I’ve always struggled with self-hate, but it got much worse last year after some of my actions and decisions ended up hurting a (now ex) friend of mine, even though my intention was never to hurt her. I can’t stop hating myself, I can’t stop blaming myself, I can’t stop only seeing things from her perspective and not giving any weight at all to mine.

I’ve spiralled to the point where I am now justifying every wrong thing that has ever been done to me, by reasoning that ‘it all evens out’. Basically if I hurt somebody else, then that means I must deserve to be hurt many times over. Please help. last year this conflict and self-hate escalated to the point where I thought I deserved to kill myself. i never want to be back there again. please help.

#Selfharm #selfhatred #Depression #Spiralling #Anxiety #help

I’m struggling
Was with my partner for four years, broke up for nearly a year and back together now. Found out the entire year we were apart where he was begging for me back, telling me how he’d never move on, can’t be with anyone else etc was all a lie. Lie after lie, he had two girlfriends, both met my son and took him out, went on holiday with one of them and I wasn’t told any of it.
I feel like he’s tainted my son, he tainted everything. I feel so hollow and betrayed. How could he lie to me while fucking anything that would give him the time of day. He tricked me into thinking he cared and only wanted me.
I feel so sick

So for the last few months I’ve been totally obsessed with this girl my fella was seeing when we broke up, it was nothing, didn’t last long but it’s taken over my life. I can’t stop searching her, she blocked me on everything but that doesn’t stop me.
I’m obsessed with knowing every single detail about everything. I don’t know why, it’s like I need to know, but this has caused me to rip all the skin off my lip, it’s killing me now, my fingers have been chewed so much, I’ve burnt myself with cigs, I can’t function.
My poor kids are having to deal with me, I can barely make a conversation with them, my fella is doing everything with them because I’m just a stupid mess.

I keep splitting, I’ll be fine then he won’t reply like instantly and I’m thinking “he’s on the phone to her, they’re meeting up behind my back, he’s talking to her all the time” soon as he replies I’m fine but my head and body can’t take this extreme mash of emotions that’s happening constantly.
I’m fine, I’m not, I love you, I hate you, please come back, don’t fucking touch me, why are you ignoring me? Can’t believe you did this to me, no please I’m sorry

What do I do?

#Splitting #help #MentalHealth #Spiralling

I have battled eating disorders for 28 years now. I also battle depression that I refuse most days to even admit I have. Everything in my life is spiraling out of control, so my eating disorder is a control I have. So lately I have been doing things to stop eating or if I eat finding ways to get the food out of me. #EatingDisorders #Depression #Spiralling #Ijustwanttostopfeelingit

I sometimes describe my depression as a rollercoaster. However I have times that I feel like I'm in a downward spiral. A rollercoaster can be unpredictable in its twists and turns. But with the downward spiral I can see it coming but I am helpless to stop it. Its starts slow but gains speed the deeper I get. The deeper I go the darker it gets. I feel like I'm starting to spiral down. Does anyone else experience downward spirals? I'm desperate for ways to slow and even stop it. Any ideas? #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Spiralling #help