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I'm new on The Mighty. I've read many articles before deciding I should just make an account. I haven't seen much yet. I'm struggling with many mental and physical illnesses. I've been physically disabled since I was 9 years old. I developed a bone disease and after 6+ Surgeries just on my left hip, it was ultimately ruined and needed to be replaced. 2010 at 18, I had a total hip replacement. I don't remember a lot of my teen years and childhood, I just know I had multiple surgeries and a ton of physical therapy. My mother passed at 39 in 2013. I signed up for disability and was denied all the way through court. In 2014 I was diagnosed with Bipolar, Anxiety, PTSD, Adjustment Disorder, Myofascial Syndrome, Lupus, Pre-Diabetes, Inflammatory Arthritis, and Bilateral ddeafness. I tried to work and was heavily medicated. I decided to try and get pregnant. My husband and I were doing well. I ended up doing CSection due to Preeclampsia. My baby girl is healthy and happy. I got very lucky. I started working again. Doing alright. Then my health started declining fast. My doctor advised me to quit and sign up for disability again. We lost everything. Literally. Our car, home, dignity. You name it. I felt so much guilt and I still do. I still haven't heard about disability. I was diagnosed with PCOS. I had my appendix taken out. I had a colonoscopy and was diagnosed with Ulcers Colitis. Every day has been a struggle. We're staying with my Mother-in-law and its making my health decline more. I'm on so many meds I can't keep up. My calendar is filled with reminders of appointments, refills, bills, and anything I have to remember because I just can't keep up. I'm so overwhelmed and my husbands family has been awful to us. I have thought of giving up so many times. But I have a baby who needs me. I have been battling this guilt. I'm the reason we're struggling. I'm the reason we lost everything. It's been the hardest year since my mom passed. And right now all I want is for her to be here and take me in her arms. Christmas was her favorite holiday. She was so young..she battled with some of the same conditions so I fear I'm going to die young as well. There's so much more I could say..but I'm already overwhelmed. I pray 2020 will be a good year with less struggle. #Lupus #PTSD #BipolarDepression #Anxiety #Strugglelife

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The struggle

Have been struggling with strong suicidal thoughts. Overwhelmed with caring for my seven year old daughter because I don’t want her to see me like this or get the raw end of all my symptoms. Need to learn some tools to help me get through these viscous cycles. #Strugglelife


Suicidal thoughts

Constantly having suicidal thoughts, on not wanting to be here anymore. Just living day in and day out wishing I wouldn’t be here in this situation any more. I feel like I’m a burden on family and friends because I keep having to ask them for rides places. Yet they keep asking me if I’m driving yet and the answer is still no. I have a car just haven’t gotten the insurance yet. I’m constantly thinking of what could happen to me if I drive again. On one hand I could gain my independence back/freedom and on the other hand I could get into another car accident. I know I can’t do anything to stop the second scenario, so people say; what’s the problem, why aren’t you driving yet? My anxiety is at an all time high, I’m shaky all the time and I cannot do anything to stop it. So I journal my thoughts down to get them out of my head. I keep thinking what’s the point of me living anymore, I am slowly loosing hope and my faith because I can’t understand how a God can love me when I’m a Trans Man. My body’s going through some of the changes, yet my family can’t take a second out of there day to dig deeper in questions. Do they really love me? I don’t feel the love right now. This pain in my brain just won’t go away, people don’t get me I’m a rollercoaster of emotions and I can’t even understand them myself. Does it really get better? Who knows. #SuicidalIdeation #Pain #mentalhealthcheck #gettingbetter #confused #MajorDepressionDisorder #generalizedanxiety #Hypervigilance #Hyperattentive #Insomnia #Cantfeelthelove #Feelingemotionssober #SOBERLIFE #Masking #Shareemotions #Nocommunity #Transman #lost #Hardtoaskforhelp #Strugglelife #Strugglebus #Life

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