major depression disorder

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Feeling like dying again #Suicide #MajorDepressionDisorder #Anxiety #PTSD

Haven't posted on here in a minute and wasn't going to but I'm in a deep black hole yet again *sigh*

In a nutshell I just turned 47 on 1/16 and my little one will be 9 next month. He's a sweet, good boy buuut the frustration that's making my anxiety totally maxed out is he hasn't been eating nothing but Goldfish, pretzels and other small stuff. I cook daily and know it's INSANE for me to keep being a short order cook, yet I'm not trying to have CPS called on me for not feeding him *sigh* I just don't know what to do about it anymore!#throwsintowel

Another reason my anxiety is maxed out is him again; this time about education. He's in 3rd grade and here in OH our 3rd graders have to pass a state Reading test, well he failed and I knew he would as I did remote learning 2021/2022. He has an IEP plan and I'm told it's ok to promote him but I just don't know. #Losingmymind

The last reason my anxiety is maxed out because of him is I've been a widow since 2015 when he was 17months old and I am THE only one in his life and all the above I said on top of feeling like because I am his only family has made me feel like 2019 when I had almost given him up for adoption *sad face* People ask what I do for work and I'm mom, which is great, however it does suck because when I had my first son 28 yrs ago it was so different and I had a few people in my support circle so I could get at least a part time job. Honestly though my anxiety sucks and I don't need to be working nowhere for fear I'd snap on someone. I also don't drive because of my anxiety and I feel I'm not a good mom because his friends go here, there and everywhere. I do take him on adventures thanks to our great public transportation system and what I can do being on a fixed income. I just feel again like I felt in 2019 maybe just maybe he needs this big family with aunties, uncles and all of that that can take him on big adventures. #maybehedbebetteroff

I do have a SO but I feel he's totally clueless about any of this because he has no kids. I did try to talk to him and all I got was crickets *sigh* #feellikegivinghimtheboot

I'm a mess! Thanks to anyone who reads this.

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New to this group

Hello. I have never been involved in any kind of group like this, regardless of medium. I am a #Csa survivor, and just would like to be able to communicate with others who are trying to heal. I know that everyone’s story is unique and complicated, so, I won’t dwell on too much detail.
I have only made my CSA public recently after over 30 years of silence, having been abused by multiple siblings. I have been diagnosed with other mental health issues and am two years post spinal surgery and still in recovery. I am also 11 years sober from a very complicated period of multiple addictions.
Thank you in advance for your time and patience. I only hope I can help others in this group. #SOBER #CPTSD #MajorDepressionDisorder #Anxiety #ChronicPain

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What’s the point?

What’s the point in living? I’m a shitty wife, mother, friend, sister it would be easier for everyone if I wasn’t here. Why do good people die young and I have to live a shitty sad existence? I’m fed up, I’ve tried every medication out there and still I sit in my depression…is there any point in continuing this sad existence? #MajorDepressionDisorder #ChronicDepression #Anxiety

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Feeling so numb…

I just don’t know what to do anymore… I feel so lonely all the time and can’t turn my brain off… I just want someone to care about me…
#SuicidalIdeation #DepressiveEpisodes #feelinglonely #MajorDepressionDisorder


Made the mistake of looking at FB today. #Depression #BipolarDepression #MajorDepressionDisorder #MoodDisorder

I made the mistake of looking at Facebook today—which I never do because it depresses me. Saw lots of happy photos of my friends that I never see or talk to because, well, my #Depression . Now I’m really struggling. Downward spiral. #tears . #Loneliness . #regret . #Shame . #self -loathing. More shame. It hurts.

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I can do this.

I was finally given an answer. I can sit and breathe and try to gain a clearer understanding and perspective of why I feel the way that I do. I don’t have to let this overcome me and what I am capable of. For now that is. As any of us living this life with a mental disorder know, things can change with the snap of a finger, the drop of a pin, the flap of a butterfly wing. There is no “normal” way in this world, there is just “my” way. Sometimes that can be full of excitement and the most amazingly obvious answers to all the questions I have ever had. Then sometimes it can be darker then a night with no stars or moon and when the fog is so thick you can’t see the end of your headlights in the distance. You can’t see anything ahead to warn you of the trees and their shadows. I never know which side I will end up on when the ride is finally over. It’s always just quiet when I am coming home. #Bipolar2Disorder #PTSD #MajorDepressionDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #MightyTogether


Transference...? #Psychiatrists #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #Anxiety #SleepDisorders

I need to really admit and talk it out to someone. I dont think i can keep it to myself. I am in love with my pscychiatrist. OMG. The last visit with him, he rolled his chair nearer towards to me. Oh my, I nearly fainted. My heart pumping like mad. Like a little girl falling in love. And I wish I could hold his hand. The moment I see him, I feel that everything is fine for me. Like he is ‘always’ there for me no matter what happens. He is the one who understands me best. Oh my godness. I even dreamt that both of us are together and went on a date and we lived together. Arghh...

#MajorDepressionDisorder #AnxietyDisorders #PTSD


Feeling left behind

I’m supposed to graduate next week but because I was forced to take two semesters off I will be getting my undergrad a year later than expected. I’m really happy for all my peers graduating next week but I honestly feel left behind. I feel like everyone is progressing and I’m stagnant. I can’t work because of corona and it’s getting difficult to continue pay for school so that I may return in August. Having this on my mind and being in isolation for too long is sending me into a panic. It’s getting difficult to cope these days. #MajorDepressionDisorder #Anxiety