Suffocating

I just have so much going on in my life right now I just feel empty. I feel like my husband trying to cuddle with me is suffocating. My daughter constantly having to do something with me is suffocating. These are just 2 of the things that I love more than absolutely anything in this world…. I just feel like I’m being suffocated. I just want to sleep. I feel like I haven’t slept in days. I’m mentally exhausted. I feel like I am running in circles.

My daughter and I have been on the outs the last couple days it started Saturday when I had responded to her story about something about the vaccine. She's opposed to the vaccine and is super upset I got it. She wishes I hadn't told her. I'm super worried about what's going on. She canceled 2 get togethers we had planned one was before the argument. We have 1 planned for Thursday. I haven't asked her about that one yet. She's 21 and has a daughter, they are my everything, I don't want to lose them. I'm so scared of what's going on right now. I was sharing tiptoes with her yesterday and she asked me to stop. She said when she saw my name come up she would cry. I've only gotten my first vaccine contemplating not getting the second cause of this. I need help, I'm struggling so much.
On top of all this I'm on thin ice at work cause of my attendance. I'm so tired of dealing with this! Been a struggle for years now to keep a job. Urgh! So frustrated! Any advice would be appreciated.
#Depression #Anxiety #Worried #Suffocating

Today out of no where I burst into tears. I was alone with my thoughts and I felt so empty and lost. I knew I had things to do and take care of yet my body felt so drained. I couldn't find my way to accomplish what I needed to. Then of course, like old times, comes the self depreciating negative thoughts. "I am not where I should be in my life, that I am a lazy loser and I have nothing and no one in this world". I don't want that pendulum and I try to fight it but then I look at the clock and while I am fighting myself, I am also fighting time. I have tried gratitude journal and self affirmations. But i cant get myself there if I don't believe them. It is like i am lying to myself and i am grateful for so many things but it also shines a light on my greatest failures. I am pushing myself to keep going but all I see is all the plates I keep dropping and all the people I am disappointing everyday. It physical hurts to hide my pain and sadness to put on a mask just to get through my day bc no one wants to be around me bc I am such a bummer to be around when I am feeling low. I feel like I could scream. My whole life has been flipped on its head and I feel like skin is the only thing keeping me together. People don't have to say they are disappointed, bc I feel it and I hear it in their voices and in their body language. It is not enough I can barely give myself enough breath of energy to get out of bed but to be kicked down and torn to pieces along the way sure has a way of taking the Depression to another level. I feel like I am suffocating in my sorrow and I don't have a life raft anywhere. I just keep sinking and I don't know where to start to get my life back on track. #Sinking #Selfdeprecation #Suffocating #Skindeep

Being someone who has been gung ho for my mental health over the past three years I thought I would be prepared for 2020. I was incorrect. The constant bombarding of information regarding the state of the world has been over whelming. Everything was good until we started the first lockdown. I'm usually a home body I don't mind staying in the house so the lockdown was pretty easy (Thank you borderlands boundless imagination and animal crossing). Next my job cut my hours and walking home was a nightmare. I work at a certain taco franchise that loves staying open late for my fellow stoners. I was "lucky" to still be on the schedule they cut so much. Customers started becoming evil and thanks to the curfew cops harassed me on my walk home almost every night demanding my essential workers papers. A few well placed tragedies later everything seems to send me into a state. I've been drifting between emotional states randomly and I can't seem to stop, when I try to relax my body feels restless and then the restlessness turns into anxiety. "What are we forgetting?" " what needs to be done?" " We need to beg for more hours" " were gonna drift too far behind if this keeps up?" "We can't afford to be laying down?".. the voices on a constant loop in my head .. the two minutes I wanted to take to relax felt like hours under the torture of my internal voices. Heeding their word I start to move. I clean the house, then catch up on the news, I apply to as many jobs as I can before it frustrates me, I notice my appearance and adjust it as if I needed a makeover. Only 4 hours go by and I've been productively #Unproductive . When I finish and sit back down here come the voices again. "Move we need to do more?" "Do you think we accomplished anything?" "We're still in the same situation as before what have you changed?"... I shake my leg to tune it out. I even put music in my ears to dull the sound. I began this state months ago and now I'm at the point where nothing's gonna help. Today my co-workers brought up the fact that I said "I want to die" or "kill me" about 20 times today. I didn't even notice I said it once. One of my biggest fears is for my life to become mundane and meaningless and even though 2020 has been FAR from mundane I do feel like my life has been meaningless. The lack of breathing room in multiple parts of my life is breaking me. I was walking home from work tonight and in the silence of the walk i began to slip into the abyss. #Sadness , #Worthlessness , #Fear , #Pain , #anger , they all flooded over me, every time I tried to get rid of one by redirection and even #Mindfulness it was replaced by another "negative" emotion. I've been going through this for weeks and I just want it to stop. I want to have hope for myself again. I don't want waking up in the morning after stressing all night. I just want to make sure I can pay my bills. I want to feel like I'm not #Suffocating . Please someone tell me im not alone . #Depression #SuicidalThoughts

I mean this figuratively, in that you chuck everything away and start again from scratch. Walk away from all the clutter and junk, things, friendships etc. that make you feel suffocated and alone.

#alone #walkaway #Depression #Suffocating #Escape #Stress

I am usually quite and calm when someone points out my flaws or accuse me for doing something that I never did. Cause it becomes worse when I speak up.
But now it's becoming so hard for me to calm down and digest all those things people around me are throwing against me. I don't know how to reply them. I don't have any clue to rescue myself. I feel suffocated. I can't even scream, I can't cry.
.
Sometimes,I just can't stand people or human beings around me tbh. Maybe they love me,.... Maybe I am loved, but not admired.

With my age and the time of slowing down and reflection, it hurts the most of how little I have done to commit to making something out of myself. I still don't know how and it's suffocating.

The suffocating.

It starts as a small cloud, so small I can barely notice it.
I'm a little tired, don't really want to go out.
It's not really a big deal, not even worth mentioning.
It's fine, I'm fine I say it will pass by so soon I know it goes away.
Logic tells me nothing is wrong, life's good, you should feel great.

Then the suffocating comes.
The air gets thicker, I disappear,
The fog is dark and my mind is grey.
My thoughts make no sense, I stay inside.
Even If I told them, what would I say?
I just breathe as deep as I think I can. It's a lie that I won't entertain.
I'm so mad that I didn't stop it this time. Next time I won't suffocate.

#Anxiety #AnxietyDoesntKnockFirst #Suffocating