The anxiety of going to sleep every night not knowing what will I see on the news next morning. Being from a marginalized community as I'm both indigenous although pale skinned and disabled. Not knowing my future.
I hate this dreadful feeling of everything happening so fast but as if I was watching in slow motion, this feeling that I'm reading my history books from high school and watching a film portraying the 1930s.
I'm just devastated, I'm depressed, thinking about self harming but trying not to for the sake of those I love, thinking about ending my life but also not doing it for the sake of my cats, my boyfriend and my mum and dad. I go to sleep stressed, I get to sleep, I have realistic dreams sometimes or some other times I have dreams that make no sense, but not my regular crazy dreams I was so used to when younger.
I grew up as a brilliant person despite having depression drag me to an endless well, I do like law to some extent, love history, love geopolitics, sociology and philosophy even if I'm a maths person and do way better with biomedical science and IT, which are fields of my studies. And here the vote is obligatory, so while many of my friends or acquaintances joked about "congrats, now you *have* to vote" when someone turned 18. I got my voting license as soon as I could. I couldn't when I turned 16 because it was on an elections year and my birthday is on august, so taking the license was unavailable, but next year I got it asap. I wanted to grow up a responsible citizen, not only become another adult that complains about the country but does nothing in order to change... And I was already from teenage years aware on how politics can and will weight on my life. But unfortunately, I can't be that citizen, not because I'm not able, but because elections became a fight for democracy. I don't vote for my ideology, I vote for the one able to win against the one that will screw my country. And next year, 2026, are presidential elections here, so it will be basically war...
But that's not really my whole point, I want to cry, I'm just a new adult to this world, and I already am in a big disadvantage because I'm autistic and I'm blind! I already overdo myself so maybe I can surpass prejudice barriers and have a career.
I hate every time I get to a crisis, I hate how most adults are telling me to not be so worried since I can't do anything to change the course of the world and that hurts! They don't realize they have their careers, some of them are already retired. They don't realize how hard is for me to live with minimum wage that translates to basically $285 a month, that if we don't win in 2026 I might lose this aid because these disgraceful people are doing everything to harm minorities! They don't realize how hard is to get a simple job, to have to not only "sell my fish" to show I have value, it's humiliating.
I'm tired, I'm studying a lot but with that feeling that it will be in vain. I already feel like my adulthood is destroyed. I already didn't have a childhood or adolescence that gave me joy of being alive, and when I get to be responsible and make my own decisions, when I'm able to get respect from my family, everything just explodes into chaos.
I don't want to live in this world, I don't want to feel that just by being queer and disabled I'm being constantly in danger, and I'm not even American.
I am scared! I am scared and I don't have a single person by my side personally to help me. They want me to dissociate from the upcoming reality, they want me to stop worrying. I can't, ok? I just can't. The disabled people I have personal contact and that I mean in a more physical way are autistic like me, but they're level 1 and are lucky enough to mask and go full on having a job and sticking with it. I don't want to demerit level 1 autistics. But I struggle a lot being level 2. Not only because my own traits, but how if I have a crisis people won't validate me because "I'm not severely autistic", I can't hold a job when my emotional is bad, I got terminated for wanting to kill myself after I lost the cat I grew up with, she was almost 19 and she passed I was almost 21. It still hurts so much, and right out the next day I go to work for my boss to drop a bomb on me saying that she was taking back the idea of hiring me because she didn't think I would want a career there due to my field of study, and I loved that place more than any other place I've worked at. And I gave my soul, my tears, even worked with possibly having a broken wrist but because of pain tolerance I didn't go check it out. And my cat had just died. My thoughts were like "seriously? Couldn't you wait some days or a month or so to tell me that instead of telling me that when I'm just devastated by the loss of a being I considered my sister?!"
It's so hard. I have to take so much prejudice! For gods' sakes! Today I argued with my grandma about the fact I don't really have patience for using eye drops for my dry eyes, and that I already don't see good enough to care so much and she gave a speech on how vision is the most sacred thing in the world and told me that if I lose the rest of mine I'll be bumping my face on walls, totally ableist! I can echolocate, I often do stuff in the dark, sometimes I wear contacts that are pure white and make my vision become light perception only and I still catch busses and subways with it!
I just want to have the option to live! It's not ok to hear neonazi speeches, even if they're abroad and not here. And I worry for my friends from the US that are disabled, queer or immigrants.
I'm feeling too anxious, too tired, too stressed and restless because of this. I'm overwhelmed by the thought of not having the chance of having for some freaking time a "normal" life. I don't want to worry if I'll wake up soon and have my country being attacked, even if the odds points to us being spared of war, but I still don't like the slightest idea of waking up to that scenario.
I just want to be able to do my studies, to look for a job, to work, to save money, to pay debts and for once be an adult.
My last words will be repeating that I'm just terrified.
Latest
20 reactions •
6 comments
