Suicidal Ideation

I don’t want to be here anymore.
I can’t take anymore pain.
I feel so alone.
I want to give up.

The only reason I’m still alive is so I don’t ruin the lives of my family members by leaving them. Other than that I don’t think living is worth it. I don’t have anything to look forward to. There’s nothing I find joy in doing. It’s so hard even to survive in this world and I’m tired of struggling to get through every day. What’s the point if I’m just keeping myself alive to suffer? I don’t feel like it’s even worth it to stick it out and see if it gets better. I’m so done with feeling so horrible every day. It’s been years and it’s only getting worse.

#Depression #Autism #SuicidalIdeation

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I’ve written many posts on this, so I won’t go into detail of each individual thing. I think I hate this city. I feel like not even this city tolerates well to neurodivergent folk/folx like me. No city does. I’ve been threatened, accused, bullied, and misunderstood numerous times (even at a fucking hotel to the point where I had a fucking meltdown), I can no longer trust to go into any hotel now, and I can’t even get fucking disability payment no matter how much I poured my heart out on why I can’t work because the government is too fucking stubborn and ridiculous (and no, I cannot afford a lawyer because I’m not rich). My heart is fucking torn right now just thinking about it. It’s like they want us dead or something. Just for existing.

I hate it here. Am I really just going to be fucking homeless in my future because this damn capitalist society doesn’t give a shit about me? Should I just end it if that’s my future? Because I probably will if I ever have to deal with that shit. I’d rather be dead than sit with the feeling over how this society doesn’t give a fuck about me without a home. There would be no happiness anyway.

(Please refrain from calling me human (I have dysphoria, I’d rather not go into detail right now), please and thank you!)

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #AutismSpectrum #Autistic #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #neurodivergent #Neurodivergency #Vent #triggerwarning #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

I thought I was crazy my whole life but since November 7 I'm diagnosed with ASD. Life's so hard. This world isn't made for autistic people. I hate it.

why would they make me love my life if nothing will change ? I'll still have the same family and same life.

i hate everything.

my meds are making me hungry and gain weight I hate it.

I still have meltdowns/ shutdowns/ panic attacks a lot.

i hate everything.

i still have my ocd the meds aren't working.

#AutismSpectrumDisorder #EatingDisorder #MentalHealth #MajorDepressiveDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

Years ago my dad took me to a dietitian and they put me on this weight loss pill called Adipex and it damaged my whole face with deep acne scars even worse when I stopped taking the pill a few years later I gained back more weight than i was before. My highest weight has been 190 pounds. My dad is really bothering me about my weight. I am on Mounjaro right now. I do want to lose all the weight permanently but my face is damaged and I have been to more than one different dermatologist. It looks like there are holes diged into my face. He wanted to put me back on the same weight loss pill that damaged my skin and I had to fight him. It is so annoying because he thinks he knows everything that is why I don’t always listen to him or my mom because I feel like they don’t always have knowledge about stuff even though my dad is well educated; my mom doesn’t have the most education and worked in retail her whole life. I am not even the prettiest girl even when I was 90 pounds; I didn’t like the way I looked. All the really good looking attractive guys always turned me down and never really payed interest me. I have been called ugly so many times.
#CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #Disability #ADHD #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #Schizophrenia #Depression #Bipolar2 #BipolarDepression #BipolarDisorder #Psychosis #Anxiety #AutismSpectrumDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Selfharm #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #PTSD

When "Don't talk like that" really means "You need to just suffer silently, please" the scars can run deep.

There are a lot of unique circumstances leading up to this, but my circumstances have nothing to do with why this is important. I'm writing because I want to help save someone. The person I want to help is suffering, and it's slowly getting worse. This person lives with a harrowing agony and is suffocating inside. You might even know this person. You might even be this person. If so, this is for you and I need you to know that you are not alone.

My name is Heather. I am living with knowing, seeing, feeling, and hating the fact that I am dying. In my opinion, it doesn't change anything whether a person is dying from a terminal illness, suicidal ideation, or killing themselves with an addiction, there's still inevitably a deep suffering involved and an excruciating loneliness that only adds to the level of pain one experiences.

Years ago, I told my mom about some of my medical conditions. My mom essentially expressed her opinion that I am just too full of self-pity. She called me a victim. She went on tell other members of my family that I was only claiming my conditions to get people's attention. I'd like to address her claims now. She said I am too full of self-pity. Maybe she's right. I admit to moments (more now as my condition progresses) when I am absolutely feeling sorry for myself. Who wouldn't? I lack grace and dignity sometimes. If she could do this better than me, by all means, I'd like her to teach me how. She said I am a victim. Really? No, mom. I am not claiming victim. Yes, it sucks. No, I am not always grateful to be alive, but I am not running around blaming anyone for what's happened in my life. I go directly to God and tell him when I'm pissed off because this sucks, but I am not playing victim. She also said I was just trying to get people's attention. Am I? OF COURSE I AM! But not like she thinks. I am scared, sad, angry, lonely, and I don't know how to cope. I'm creating a will, sorting out which of my beloved things will go to whom, wondering when I pay a bill if I'll be here to do it again next month, checking things off my bucket list, making sure people know I love them, and still trying to navigate like I'm normal. I pretend to have strength I don't have. I fake like I think everything is going to be ok. I put on makeup when I don't care how I look, wash dishes when I don't really care if they're dirty, and I google funny jokes just so I'll have stuff to talk about that isn't depressing. I do al l kinds of things that don't make sense. But if attention seeking was really the truth, wouldn't I make up a better story? Like I won a prize or something? Then I'd get happy, celebrating attention.

I ache to feel some kind of connection with anyone who can relate, or with anyone who might just need to be heard.

I had a big meltdown. I returned to the narrow closet again. (I do it often). But this one was bad, I kept banging the back of my head against the wall. But they told me earlier this week that I'll be transferred Thursday, today they told me Friday. Why did they change I hate that. I refused the meds and I was obviously not communicating nor cooperative with them. I'm tired of all of it.

They couldn't handle it, they were being touchy and I hate that. They were so mad.

Banging my head gave me a migraine. No meds help me and it last for days.

My S thoughts aren't disappearing. They never disappear, they're always here since I was a little kid. My anxiety won't leave me too and it's tiring. I constantly feel like I'm being watched, on listening. Everywhere I go I need to search for hidden cameras, micro, people etc. I can't help it. This feeling is so strong I'm exhausted.

They don't want me to die but they don't help me to like be alive.

#MentalHealth #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PanicDisorder #PanicAttacks #EatingDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #Migraine #AutismSpectrumDisorder #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation