Suicidal Ideation

i lost my mother to suicide. and now, i turned orphan by a living father

he is still alive FUCKKKKK, but he has walked away from us by choice. he cut all contact and no longer wants to know anything about my brother or me

i never imagined i would have to grieve someone who is still alive, and this person are my father, unbelievable

life has taken so much from me that sometimes i don’t even know how to process it anymore

i feel like i've had to grieve things most people never have to think about in their lifes

the hardest part is knowing that this wasn’t taken from us by fate, illness, or death, or well... a suicide

IT WAS A DECISION

sometimes i feel angry. sometimes i feel heartbroken. sometimes i feel nothing at all

i keep wondering if we deserve this, even though deep down i know children are not responsible for their parents choices

losing my mother was devastating.

losing my father while he is still alive is a different kind of pain—ONE THAT HAS NO FUNERAL, NO GOODBYE, AND NO CLOSURE

my brother and i are left trying to make sense of a loss that nobody seems to understand

we are learning how to survive without the people who were supposed to love us unconditionally

i don’t know what to feel anymore. i am grieving, confused, angry, hurt, and exhausted all at once

some days i feel abandoned. other days i feel forgotten

most days i just miss having a family..,,:.;;()))%)$

other thing that hurt most is realizing that someone can be alive, and still choose to become a stranger

my life is a fucking sadism of some god, thats it

#Loneliness #Father #Suicide #suicidelossurvivors #suicideloss #Depression #mother #passivesuicidalideation #SuicidalIdeation #personalitydisorder #Suicide #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #heartbreak #Depression #MentalHealth #Grief #Addiction #

I am disabled, no news here on that. But how that locks so many doors to me is depressing.
Right now my brain is full of thoughts, it keeps telling me to cut, to hurt, or just straight up give up. Partly I can hold on thanks to my cats and my partner, but the pain doesn’t go away, the thoughts dont stop.
Truth to be told is that I’m drowning in debt, and I want to get free of it, to be able to breathe. The only person that I imagine would be willing to help is my mum, but she has a lot of things she has to work her butt off to be able to afford, and no luxuries.
But there are people around me who could help, and not make much of a difference on their lives, but all they do is either criticise me for getting into debt, tell me one day I’ll be able to sort it out or use the standard phrase “Oh, the reality of every Brazilian”. None of that help, I am still drowning, I am still constantly spiralling trying to think on how will I be able to make ends meet, how disability aid isn’t a livable amount and how I wish I could do some informal work to try to build up the amount I need to at least be able to breathe again. But I can’t, not because I’m incapable, but because being disabled makes everything harder for me, and many doors are locked for me, can’t be a hair dresser, or a manicure, or a maid. Also being female no one would let me help unloading trucks. Being blind there’s no way for me to stock shelves or be a cashier. Being broke gives me no way to try selling sweets or lunch boxes because I can’t even buy the ingredients to begin with. I am stuck, and this feeling of being stuck basically makes me want to if not kill myself, self harm, because then I would feel some amount of relief… but then I would have to face people seeing it, having my mum mad at me and my partner disappointed I resorted to it again.

Tired of this life. There are moments that are beautiful, however. One thing no matter how small can send me spiraling downward. It’s so difficult to get back up from that descent.

I’m tired of trying to have hope. I’m really - just tired. Love to all of you on this beautiful day. 🙏

#PTSD #ADHD #Depression #Anxiety #Osteoporosis #SpinalStenosis #SuicidalIdeation