Suicidal Ideation

Last post for context: What do I do…?? | TW mentions of stress dreams and one swear

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I’ve moved out of where I used to live with my mom and one of my older sisters (has 3 kids now) 2 years ago. I think because it’s summer break for my 2 older nephews, I’m now getting a lot more stress dreams related to my mom and my older sister (my mom was the persecutor of emotional abuse, and I never liked my sister since she’s similar and agrees with her often).

I dropped out of high school after sophomore year many years ago because of being constantly overstimulated and high levels of stress and meltdowns I’ve had over there (especially when constantly trying to get the best grades in a very unnecessarily strict school, horrible place for autistic individuals like me!!). After that, I’ve noticed that more stressful dreams came up after that and it was almost everyday that I’ve gotten them at that point. Now, for that theme, it isn’t too much, usually 1to 3 times a week.

Now, I’m getting these stress dreams related to my mom and older sister constantly ever since late June. Before then, it was a mix of dreams of school and mom and sister for 1 to 3 times a week. Even when I’ve had great days, nothing has changed, not even yesterday. If I’m right, these dreams may last until late August when my 2 older nephews go back to school again. I really fucking hope not, I can only carry so much. I really don’t want them to fucking last for that long, I hate getting them and I don’t want to fucking deal with them anymore. I’m sick of it. How the fuck as I supposed to look forward to sleep now?!

I worry that if this continues for longer, I’m going to start feeling suicidal again. I can already feel that happening as I’m already fucking sick of these dreams every fucking day (there had been like 2 or 3 days where I didn’t had them, not consecutively, either). Why do I even have to fucking deal with this? Why did my early life had to be like this?!

#OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #Trauma #StressDreams #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Vent #triggerwarning #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Autistic

TW: selfharm and suicidal ideation

As I am preparing for my 3rd endometriosis surgery I feel stuck in so many places in my life. I don’t do therapy anymore cause I have no money to pay for it. I’m done with the medication. No more antidepressants for me. None of them help me. My Endometriosis is taking over every part of my life. My relationship is going really bad. I can’t work, the daily pain is sooo bad I can’t do anything. I’m thinking about cutting or ending it all because the pain, my mental health, my relationship and I feel like I’m rotting in bed and have no future.. I take so much supplements which kinda help but I wouldn’t be here without oxycodone unfortunately and I’m so tired It’s hard to get the right pain treatment after being called a medicine shopper and addict. Like I would ever take oxycodone for fun and have this much pain for fun or lie about it. The amount of gaslighting I’ve been through either medically or in relationships is too much too still be treated this way. They took my painkillers away and replaced them with paracetamol :/ I wanted to kill myself of the pain and the doctor said maybe you need to check yourself in the mental health ward. No b*tch I need to get meds for the pain. I tried everything. Now I’m afraid to take them or to ask something about my dose. Or even a new prescription. My ovary and uterus are fused together with my sigmoid/rectum and had cysts on them. Anyone else would’ve gone to the ER by now. #Endometriosis #CPTSD #medicalgaslighting #complextrauma #Selfharm #SuicidalIdeation #ChronicPain

I hate my sisters and my mother

they went to far

im tired of this

#DepressiveDisorders #Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #EatingDisorders #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation

#Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SuicidalIdeation

I can't seem to redirect my thoughts to a more positive path
Feeling stuck and overwhelmed and hopeless.
What helps when nothing seems to help?

⸻

Hey, I’m Alyssa.

I’m 21, and I’ve been through some straight-up hell.

A couple years ago, I was trapped in a nightmare—captivity and a robbery that tore my world apart. It’s the kind of trauma that sticks to your bones and messes with your head every damn day.

Right now, I’m stuck in the middle of a court case that’s dredging all that up again. It’s brutal. Some days, I’m angry as hell. Other days, I’m so exhausted I can barely get out of bed. And sometimes, I spiral into places I don’t want to go.

I’ve also had to be the rock for people around me, even when I’m breaking inside. It’s fucked up and unfair, but here I am.

I’m putting this out there because I need to find others who get how dark and lonely this fight can feel. I want to know how you survive the moments when the past grabs hold tight and won’t let go. How do you keep going when the legal stuff and all the memories hit you like a punch in the gut?

If you’re here, if you’ve been through hell too, I want to hear from you. Because right now, just knowing I’m not alone feels like the only thing keeping me from completely losing it. #Newfriends

I had a meltdown because of all of this negativity from my mother, anxiety and all. It was too much. I stayed in my closet + blanket from 9:30am to 1:10pm. The nurses were looking for me and they were really anxious and worried but I couldn't unhide. I couldn't press the button to call the nurses. I just hid as I always do... I didn't even ate..

One of the nurses were really "heartbroken" I think because he tried to befriend me the past few days..

I just keep thinking what if my mother is the one in the truth ? What if I'm imagining everything? What if I just want to draw attention to me ?

#MentalHealth #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Autism #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #PanicAttacks #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #PanicAttack #EatingDisorder #EatingDisorderRecovery #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

My son is in the hospital.
He’s on suicide watch. He’s just thirteen.
When he looked at me with wide, hollow eyes and said he didn’t want to be alive anymore, I didn’t wait. I didn’t tell him it was just a phase or ask if he was doing it for attention. I called his therapist. I
made the appointment. I showed up.
His father and stepmother’s first question wasn’t “Is he okay??”
It was: “Is he doing it for attention??”
That question scraped something deep inside me, something primal. Something furious.
How can they reduce his pain to theatrics? How can they be more concerned about control than about a child’s suffering?
His father says, “You’re the parent. You should be the one waking him up.”
As if alarm clocks and chores are more important than our son feeling like his life has no meaning. As if asking who is to blame will heal the reason he can barely speak when his father raises his
voice.
Why is E. so afraid to speak?
Why does being yelled at make him feel worthless?
I want to scream. But mostly, I want to fix it. I want to take his pain and fold it into mine so he never has to carry it again. But I can’t. And that breaks me.
I ask myself, am I playing the blame game?
What am I doing wrong?
I spiral into guilt.
It’s my fault.
My fault for not fighting harder to get my shit together.
For being homeless.
For being molested.
For not choosing better partners.
For not saving my son from this world sooner.
I empathize with him because I have lived in that dark place. I know what it feels like to want to disappear.
But how do I help my son get out of his own head when I can barely get out of mine?
I breathe.
I keep breathing.
I remind myself: I am not doing everything wrong.
I listened.
I acted.
I protected him when others tried to dismiss his pain.
The flashbacks will pass. The feelings will, too.
This moment is not forever. It is just a moment.
And in this moment, my son is still here.
Breathing.
Alive.
And so am I.
I may not have all the answers, but I will keep showing up.
I will keep fighting.
I will keep loving.
Because this is not the end of the story.
Not his.
Not mine.
#MentalHealth #Parenting #SuicidalIdeation a

Today, in a few hours, I'll be transferred to the clinic.

I visited it yesterday and I loved it. A friend has to bring me my stuff from my student appartement.

Changes are really hard for me. But it's better than this hospital. I hate hospitals. I hate the doctors and nurses here.

In a few hours, the first 48h I'll have no contact with the exterior (phone, visits, etc...) the first weekend no permission to leave for half a day or a day. Next weekend I'll be able to leave for half a day or a day.

Permissions are only for the weekends.

Phones are allowed between 2:30pm and 6pm except Thursday (1:30pm to 6pm).

It was either the clinic or the hospital anyway as I have no choice. Can't return home or anything.

Im scared, but im exited to leave this horrible hospital.

I asked if I could go with my friend to bring my stud but the hospital refused. I can't leave. But it's just better if it's me I know my stuff. I hate people going through my stuff. I hate that.

But I have no choices, so we'll FT and I'll guide her..

Healing is so scary. Visits are only from 4:30pm to 6pm weekdays and 2:30pm to 6pm weekends.

It's hard because I'll be alone. I know no one. I'm extremely shy and not comfortable for society.

I'm used to that one really close friend. She's my emergency contact and I'm her's too.

I hate new things l.

But I'll be okay, it's for my mental health so I can be okay..

Ill be okay..

Well I guess.. maybe one day...

#MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Autism #EatingDisorder #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SocialAnxiety