Suicidal Ideation

Honestly I feel like giving up on God and just keep going to the mental hospital constantly. I hate the way God made me. I have really bad mental health issues and probably don’t even have the brightest future ahead unless if I have a lucky star. I spent most of my years in and out of mental hospitals. I barely lived life and sometimes I don’t care if I die because I am not living a life I want and I feel miserable #MentalHealth #Anxiety #ADHD #AnorexiaNervosa #Bipolar2 #Bipolar1 #BipolarDepression #BipolarDisorder #CheckInWithMe #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #Schizophrenia #Psychosis #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #Trauma #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm #Autism #Addiction #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Manic #Grief #Diabetes #DiabetesType1 #DiabetesType2 #MajorDepressiveDisorder #EatingDisorders

I’m not sure what I’m thinking
Or feeling
Confusion is around
For sure
Sadness
Disappointment
Anger
Resentment
Understanding
All of the big uncomfortable ones I guess
My belief is everything heals with time
My partner and mom will one day come together
With time
Happiness will come with time
Everything that is meant to happen
Will happen
In good time
But then
I’m stuck
The anxiety
The spiral
My reactions to the spiral
Suddenly I can’t think about time
Just these next few moments of
Me and the situation
The situation of
Yes
You are right
Nothing will be okay
And then I remember
I’m alone
No one to actually hear how i feel
Can’t make anyone look bad
So if i can’t tell them about how I feel
And theses big feelings scary feelings
I isolate myself
Don’t text my friends
No interest of the outside social media life
I can’t call my mom
Or at least tell her how I am doing
Because it goes back to
Okay I if I don’t do a “thing” to myself
I have to trust in time and that everything will be okay
But im stuck
I’m not okay
But I’m not okay trusting in time
Sometimes when I’m down and suicidal
All i want is to call my mom
All i want is to be held by her
But I’ll try to keep trusting in time
#SuicidalIdeation #Depression

The fact is, no one can truly understand the depth of someone else's suffering or the reasons that could drive a soul to such desperation. Only God knows what is in a person's heart (Psalm 139:1-2). Only the Lord knows the extent of pain that might bring a person to the point of suicide.#SuicidalIdeation #Suicide #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

i sleep Alone

eat Alone

and breathe Alone

so why wouldn't i be okay with being

Alone?

and then i let you in.

so now we do things together

from hugging and kissing

running and talking

but,

now you're gone

you decided you wanted someone else

and that's cool i guess

but now i don't eat and i can't sleep

it's hard to breathe cause at times i don't want to

but it's fine because now i bleed

Alone.

but it's fine.

i "like" being Alone.

#MentalHealth #SuicidalIdeation #PTSD #Trauma #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Suicide #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #heartbreak

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and with the epic universe opening at universal studios in Florida in a few short weeks, my depression has skyrocketed.

I live in the Midwest, far away from anything fun, pretty much in bum f*ck nowhere. I think the greatest clame to fame we have anywhere around me is The Dells and the water park capital of the world. Which I cal bullshit because it’s literally cold all the time!! The Dells is also garbage. Just tourists crap, nothing really cohesive.

Needless to say I hate where I live, it’s cold all the time even in the ‘summer’. My anxiety and depression are terrible and only get worse when we fall behind and then not only is it cold, but now it’s dark.

I’ve been struggling for just shy of a year now to find a job. Apparently, the postings are for show because absolutely barely anyone is calling me back. I’m aware that the currently political situation is only complicated things even more.

I spend a lot of time on YouTube, and videos of previews of the epic universe have been abundant and the first few were cool to watch. But now they are just making me extremely sad. I feel completely powerless and just want to be there in that beautiful weather at the theme parks. Yes I’m aware it wouldn’t end my anxiety and depression, but I bet the warm weather coupled with the theme parks would be a massive pick me up.

I’ve been to Disney and Universal a handful of times throughout the years and always wanted that escape from the Midwest permanently. I’m aware working for the parks would be different, but honestly it can’t be any worse than the Midwest…I’ve been trying for years to work for the parks for litteral years. First through the collage program, but was rejected not once but twice! A few years apart too, and always turned down for anything I applied too posted on their website since I’ve now aged out of the collage program. Including custodial! Which I have 14 years experience in :(

I wish I just had the money to pick up and leave, not I do not have that luxury and would need an offer before I just packed up. I also cannot stand my family’s reaction to this want of mine always trying to tell me of how awesome the state is…using Facebook and showing me posts from people who have visited maybe once for a few days…bro they have not been here in the middle of January when it’s negative outside they come for summer fest or whatever. So no, I’m sorry those peoples opinions do not count. Sometimes they tell me to just move then if I’m so unhappy. Well I can’t just move because of this thing called money.

I hate drowning in my anxiety and depression, which honestly is what makes up most of my days. I don’t know why I’m writing this, just wanted to vent I guess.

#CheckInWithMe
#Depression
#MajorDepressiveDisorder #MentalHealth #Anxiety #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts

i am here my mind is where?

#lost #MentalHealth #Depression #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Addiction #gone

i feel like im on the verge of snapping. if one more thing goes wrong im gonna end it all. im so done with everything.#SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Depression