suicide survivor

My Gold Medal Acceptance Speech for Healing on My Own Terms

Wow… I don’t even know where to start. I never thought I’d be standing here—because truthfully, for most of my life, I didn’t believe I’d make it this far, nor did I even want to.

I never had the fan club, the cheering section, or the supportive coach in my corner.

I trained for this moment in silence, in grief, in darkness, in pain.

In all these emotions, I shattered, learning the true path to lasting healing is rebuilding all those pieces on your own, no matter they fit

I didn’t win this medal for being the strongest.

I won it for refusing to stay broken.

A beautiful mosaic now captivates where only glass stood before.

I was told I couldn’t make good decisions. That I’d never get better. That I needed to be managed, not trusted.

Learned how to finally trust myself—and that was the most radical thing I’ve ever done.

I chose to fight.

I chose Spravato.

I chose truth.

I chose me.

Even when the world said I was too much, too messy, too emotional—I said, “Okay… then I’ll be all of that and still rise.”

To the people who watched me drown and called it drama: I release you.

To the ones who loved the version of me that stayed small: She doesn't exist anymore.

To the ones who tried to ship me off, silence me, or shame me into submission: that shit ends now and if you can't support me, get the hell off my bus.

This medal is for the woman who almost didn’t make it, more times than seems believably possible

Who sat weeping and praying for a crucial reset to her brain - and she got it.

Who now sleeps through treatments not in fear, but in peace.

Who bought her own damn cake and no longer apologizes for being one of a kind.

This is my moment.

And I accept it because I’m finally healing on my own terms.

Thank you… to the fire.

Thank you… to the silence that made me scream.

Thank you… to the little girl inside who never stopped hoping that one day she’d be the one holding the mic.

Well baby—here I am.

I made it.

And I did it my way. 🎂🥇
#MightyTogether
#HealingOnMyOwnTerms
#RebuiltNotBroken
#SheChoseHerself #MentalHealthVictory #ResilienceLooksLikeThis #SurvivorEnergy #MosaicNotShattered
#unapologeticallyme
#WatchMeRise
#NewYearNewMeEnergy
#chapter52
#SpravatoJourney
#BrainReset
#SuicideSurvivor
#KetamineTherapyWorks
#mentalhealthmatters

I recently went through a break up. I ended up in the hospital. It turned out that there was a physiological reason for this.

From the outside, the last few months of this relationship looked, from the outside, like two people willingly living in hell. From the inside, it felt like willingly walking into hell, hanging out there for a while and enduring intense torture, and then being catapulted up to the euphoric relief of heaven. For me, it was worth the reward. I lived for the reward, in fact. I couldn't live without it. And I couldn't get the heaven without the hell. 

I did truly love my partner; she was a genuinely amazing person. But she and I had very different conflict resolution styles, and this resulted in some extremely intense arguments that became abusive in both directions. During these arguments I felt lower than I ever had in my life. My insecure attachment style left me feeling hated, rejected, and therefore unable to survive in response to my partner's harsh approach towards conflict. Then, when we would reconnect and she would express love for me, it felt like happiest moment of my life; I felt high.

And it turned out that I was.

Addiction is highly recognized and increasingly understood in certain contexts. Addiction to substances such as alcohol or illicit drugs, and behaviors such as sex or binge eating, are fortunately often acknowledged as a physical process that, over time, becomes disease. When we ingest these substances or engage in these behaviors, the brain is flooded with dopamine- a neurotransmitter that evolved to reinforce behaviors that keep us alive. 

Dopamine teaches our brains that a behavior should be repeated, and is potentially essential for our survival. In addiction, our brains gradually become able to release dopamine only in response to the addicted behavior. Neuroscientist and professor Andrew Huberman defines addiction as "A progressive narrowing of the things that bring you pleasure." Drinking, doing drugs, or binge eating become the only way possible to feel happiness, to get that dopamine fix.

I had learned to get my dopamine fix in a way I had never heard of in the context of addiction. When my partner and I "made up" after a fight, it felt so good that my brain came to release extreme amounts of dopamine, and started to release a decreased amount of dopamine in response to anything else. 

Fighting, and therefore emotional or verbal abuse, became the only way that I could feel true happiness, the only way I could experience a sense of meaning in my life. These fights sometimes happened naturally, as a result of our differing conflict resolution styles. Other times, I would subconsciously find ways to feel affronted or rejected and provoke my partner to act abusively towards me, setting myself up for a huge dopamine release when I felt love and acceptance again. This created a vicious cycle of emotional abuse and manipulation on my part, leading to emotional and verbal abuse on her part, and ultimately resulting in extreme bliss when this subsided. I was the picture of an addict- begging on my knees at my partner's door after a fight for my drug of choice, love and forgiveness. 

If fully recognized and accepted for what it is, this cycle in relationships can be disrupted with committed effort and time. An addictive cycle of abuse in a relationship does not mean that the relationship is inherently bad, or that it isn't based on true love. 

I unfortunately learned this too late. I was used to, relied on, the extreme low of a fight, and the extreme high of conciliation shortly after. One day the low went too low. My partner left and wasn't coming back. The relief wasn't coming. The dopamine wouldn't hit. My brain didn't think I could survive, and I almost didn't. 

After recovering physically from a suicide attempt, I had to begin detox from my relationship. My body had to adjust to the lack of dopamine, which was a long process that involved a month of feeling literally no joy whatsoever. I had to work to bring my base dopamine levels back up to normal, while having no dopamine to reinforce the behaviors necessary to do so. 

I did it, though. After what I can now see was probably a lifetime of this addiction, I can now maintain my dopamine levels on my own without addictive behavior, can feel joy in response to simple things, and am looking forward to this being the base for a healthy relationship someday.

#Addiction #SuicideSurvivor #abusiverelationships #relationshipaddiction

I've been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts for about seven years. And a little over a month ago I attempted suicide. For me it wasn't spur of the moment. I had planned it out, and had contemplated it for a long time. I was so sure that is what I wanted. I won't go into specifics but I had planned to combine an od on medication with a second method. And when I felt the OD on medication kick in I was happy, or at least content. Long story short, I didn't end up following through with the second method and ended up in the ER. Apparently my plans had a high enough chance to complete because the doctor seemed to not be sure what to do. And one of the nurses that was helping treatment me asked if she could be blunt with me, and after assuring her she wouldn't hurt my feelings, she said that she wasn't sure if I would survive and she felt bad about. Well, obviously I ended up surviving. And I'm not sure how to feel about it.

I won't lie, at first I was disappointed and a bit scared. But slowly I began to feel better. And actually, this past month has been the best month I've had in a long time. It's the first month that I haven't thought about ending my life. That is something that hasn't happened for the past seven years. And also, up to this point as long as I take the medication they started me on my mental health has actually been relatively good. I've been functioning fine, have been performing well at work ect.

But for the past couple of days, I've been reflecting on the events that have led me to this point. And that's not something that I had done up to this point. I can't help but feel like it should be this thing that has profound meaning for me. But the more I try to figure out how I feel about it, the worse my mental health seems to get. My anxiety has been acting up the past couple of days and that tends to be a bad omen. I'm worried that if I don't process what happened I might go back to how I was, and I used to be near comatose. And I'm worried I might lose my employment, and I really like where I work. The people that I now work with are truly great, and this is the best place I've ever worked. And I'm also worried that the process of processing what happened may cause a decline in my mental health too.
Has anyone else gone through something similar? What was your experience like?
#Suicide #SuicideSurvivor

#SuicideSurvivor #Survivor #fibromyalgiawarrior

There are times when you have to say theses words…

Get up

Get up

Get up

Yes not every morning is filled with happiness and bliss. Sometimes you feel like you are so tired but you don’t know why. That’s when you rest your head you rest your body but you don’t stay down you rise.

Rise and shine

The call you have times when your in pain you have times when your literally unable to move.

So you rest for a time in that time IT is up to someone else to shine. While you take a moment to sit back watch and smile.

Being an independent is hard on you for what ever reason you think you have to be part of the process. The truth is once you have shown the process others know how but will let you do all the work until you ask them to do it or you give it over to them to do.

Then IT is not up to you IT is up to them!

So when you burn 🔥 Out you need that rest there is no reason to busy about. Just rest and without a doubt everything will work out.

The main thing is you rise!

Don’t stay down…

Get up

Get up

Get up

Even if for a bit today and a bit tomorrow your still UP!

Someone out there needs this today!!

Your important

Your not alone

Your worthy