Feeling like dying again #Suicide #MajorDepressionDisorder #Anxiety #PTSD
Haven't posted on here in a minute and wasn't going to but I'm in a deep black hole yet again *sigh*
In a nutshell I just turned 47 on 1/16 and my little one will be 9 next month. He's a sweet, good boy buuut the frustration that's making my anxiety totally maxed out is he hasn't been eating nothing but Goldfish, pretzels and other small stuff. I cook daily and know it's INSANE for me to keep being a short order cook, yet I'm not trying to have CPS called on me for not feeding him *sigh* I just don't know what to do about it anymore!#throwsintowel
Another reason my anxiety is maxed out is him again; this time about education. He's in 3rd grade and here in OH our 3rd graders have to pass a state Reading test, well he failed and I knew he would as I did remote learning 2021/2022. He has an IEP plan and I'm told it's ok to promote him but I just don't know. #Losingmymind
The last reason my anxiety is maxed out because of him is I've been a widow since 2015 when he was 17months old and I am THE only one in his life and all the above I said on top of feeling like because I am his only family has made me feel like 2019 when I had almost given him up for adoption *sad face* People ask what I do for work and I'm mom, which is great, however it does suck because when I had my first son 28 yrs ago it was so different and I had a few people in my support circle so I could get at least a part time job. Honestly though my anxiety sucks and I don't need to be working nowhere for fear I'd snap on someone. I also don't drive because of my anxiety and I feel I'm not a good mom because his friends go here, there and everywhere. I do take him on adventures thanks to our great public transportation system and what I can do being on a fixed income. I just feel again like I felt in 2019 maybe just maybe he needs this big family with aunties, uncles and all of that that can take him on big adventures. #maybehedbebetteroff
I do have a SO but I feel he's totally clueless about any of this because he has no kids. I did try to talk to him and all I got was crickets *sigh* #feellikegivinghimtheboot
I'm a mess! Thanks to anyone who reads this.