thestruggle

I know many people who have joined AA
Yet I never stepped foot in that door;
I struggle with other addictions besides
Still I leave myself open for more.

I love how others say my story inspires
Yet I feel like a fake and a fraud;
As I look in the mirror, whom there do I see?
That little girl still hurt and lost.

I wake up each day with the best of intent
Yet fear and doubt usually win;
I force myself to take a shower and dress
But that's where it seems to all end.

My thoughts run away and take me with them
To places I wish were unknown;
Emotions evoked send me spiraling once more
The feelings of which leave me numb.

Depression within is a constant battle
It's heaviness weighs on my chest;
I struggle to breathe or just utter a word
Til the fight leaves me wanting to rest.

Still I pick myself up from one day to the next
Vow somehow I will make it right;
Then self sabotage or draw into my shell
Avoid connection day and night.

I've come to accept that I'll never outrun
Those demons which lead me astray;
At least not until I can handle the truth
I'm the obstacle in my own way.
.
Until then I'll struggle, mind set on unrest
My heart left in want of the key;
For the power to heal lies in but a gesture
Let go and God will set you free.

By: Debra Brent
08/21/2021

#Addiction #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #SuicideAwareness #EUPD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Poetry #poems #purposeinthepain #hurting #thestruggle #Recovery #Healing #Faith #Godislove #letgoandletgod #MentalHealth

I flipped my lid yesterday, all my hard work just flew out the window
I could have just kept my cool but I made the mistake of saying aloud to my self “ fuck it I’m ready to rage, let’s do it, I’m tired let’s fucking dooooo itttttt!!!!”
It wasn’t as bad as before I started seeking help and actually using my coping skills but I still feel a tad defeated 😕
I coulda saved my self the self hate had I just taken a mindful breath and closed my eyes, if I had just sunk into my inner pit that I’ve been working so hard at redecorating that’s its been turning into a inner studio. Maybe next time I feel the rage ill remember that.

Have been up since 5 a.m. because of my Crohn's disease and being anxious about my previous experiences with doctors. Anxious about seeing a new doctor. Anxious about her attitude. Anxious to see if she's willing to educate and answer questions. Anxious about my treatment plan..
When I got to my appointment my concerns were alleviated. She reviewed my charts/history before speaking to me, listened to me/my concerns, educated me, answered/ asked questions, formulated a plan... I look forward to having her on my medical team. Buttttttt... All of that to say, my Anxiety woke me up, aggravated my Crohn's symptoms just worrying about an experience based off of my previous experiences... #CrohnsDisease #Anxiety #FlareUps #thestruggle

Your doctors should be on your side, and have your best interest at the forefront. Don't settle for a hoopty when you can have a Mercedes-Benz. Make sure your medical team is competent, and doesn't mind answering questions. Don't trust aggressive pill pushers. My GI I've been following up with since my hospitalization, running tests, and prescribing me Budesonide and aggressively trying to get me on Entyvio (while ignoring my well-being and concerns) told me he didn't know if I had Crohn's and wouldn't sign my FMLA paperwork for my condition without additional records 🤷🏾‍♀️. He also told me there wasn't anything he could do for me while I'm flaring (which I currently am).... #crohnsjones #CrohnsDisease #Doctors #thestruggle

so after 5 years of working on myself educating myself and bettering myself so I could handle being a single mom without any help from the other half... accepting and understanding what I have allowed to happen as it's not been very nice... I've actually blocked out oh well a very good bit of it and am realizing I'm not in my twenties anymore I'm actually 35 I have a 9 year old high functioning autistic son and a 61 year old mother that I need to be there for as well as myself... started therapy and self-help classes and strengthening my mind body n soul getting healthy and on track moving up in my job all buttoned up and secure so I can work my way out of my toxic relationship that I have been subject to for 12 years... come tax season this year I planned on moving on as I've accomplished on my goals here... then all of the sudden my mom falls deathly ill and I almost lost her followed by super drunken coronavirus crackdown and circumstances as well as needing to deal with insurance renewals, dr. appointments. Continue doing a good job at work, Make sure my family has food and a clean house.. everything is just starting to be a little bit overboard here.. it's just too much and 2020 is supposed to be a fresh new decade . a new start! There's no way I can get stuck in this house with this situationship any longer then absolutely necessary I've wasted enough of my life here... now I keep getting sticks in my spokes....
#thestruggle

I’m struggling today. I am battling this numbing insecure feeling today. I just feel terrible to be honest. I have therapy at 3 o’clock across town and I don’t want to go. I guess I want to tell her I’m okay and that I know that I feel this way cause Im sad my vacation is over but I’m so happy to be home. i dont know what my deal is today. but I just don’t feel good. #thestruggle #Depression #numbness #feelingweird

Home foley caths are just so like fetch!
Havnt had to get up to pee in weeks and saving on toilet paper 😂😂😂🤣

Hahaha guess who dissociated in therapy for the first time today? This girl! #firsttimeforeverything #Dissociation #thestruggle

Hahaha guess who dissociated in therapy for the first time today? This girl! #firsttimeforeverything #Dissociation #thestruggle

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