Godislove

I know many people who have joined AA
Yet I never stepped foot in that door;
I struggle with other addictions besides
Still I leave myself open for more.

I love how others say my story inspires
Yet I feel like a fake and a fraud;
As I look in the mirror, whom there do I see?
That little girl still hurt and lost.

I wake up each day with the best of intent
Yet fear and doubt usually win;
I force myself to take a shower and dress
But that's where it seems to all end.

My thoughts run away and take me with them
To places I wish were unknown;
Emotions evoked send me spiraling once more
The feelings of which leave me numb.

Depression within is a constant battle
It's heaviness weighs on my chest;
I struggle to breathe or just utter a word
Til the fight leaves me wanting to rest.

Still I pick myself up from one day to the next
Vow somehow I will make it right;
Then self sabotage or draw into my shell
Avoid connection day and night.

I've come to accept that I'll never outrun
Those demons which lead me astray;
At least not until I can handle the truth
I'm the obstacle in my own way.
.
Until then I'll struggle, mind set on unrest
My heart left in want of the key;
For the power to heal lies in but a gesture
Let go and God will set you free.

By: Debra Brent
08/21/2021

#Addiction #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #SuicideAwareness #EUPD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Poetry #poems #purposeinthepain #hurting #thestruggle #Recovery #Healing #Faith #Godislove #letgoandletgod #MentalHealth

There was once this little girl..
She couldn’t understand why everyone around her was so angry...
Her grandfather molested her..
Her mother was schizophrenic..
Her father was an alcoholic...
Her brother an abuser...
Her cousin was abandon by both her parents...
That was her best friend.
Her neighbor touched her as he pleased...
Her body was never hers..
And neither her mind
Her eyes never cried..
Her door always locked
Food was always her comfort zone
Until she started throwing that up too
Her love for God was all she had
Until she felt abandoned by Him too
There was no safe haven
No one to understand her
Because her sister was smart enough to leave
College was the only way out
So she was left alone with her thoughts
Positive, negative, life threatening yet encouraging thoughts
Her strength came in numbers
Through the wind she could not see
It wasn’t until she lifted her hands to the sky
And gave her heart to Christ
That she understood forgiveness
& the years it finally took to understand love... #MentalHealthHero #Anxiety #Depression #christ #Spirituality #Godislove

In less than a week, the Christmas season will be underway. Right now, I celebrate Advent which is about waiting, patience, and anticipation.  When I woke up this morning, anxiety creeped in and I compared this upcoming Christmas to last year's .  Last year, I wasn't in a depressive episode and I 'think' I was doing well with the holiday season.   This year, I'm in the midst of treatments, medication management, and I'm not working due to depression anxiety.  I did receive LTD through my company and I am so grateful for this.

Enter Self-Compassion-Stage Right.  This is perhaps the greatest recovery tool I practice.  Placing both hands on my heart when I am being self-critical or comparing myself.  I say, "You're taking care of yourself, You're doing the best you can, and You're a good person".  In these last days of Advent, I want to show myself unconditional love and kindness.  

I wish you all unconditional love towards yourself, and multiple opportunities of putting your hands of your hearts. #Selfcompassion #Godislove

Have you ever wondered what the church was teaching before Jesus Christ was born?
The church today is the same church that existed before Christ and it is even mentioned in the Bible what they were teaching back then.

wordpress.com/post/truth715870163.wordpress.com/347

#Godislove #god

Hands shaking stomach empty the taste of bile sting my throat and tongue my eyes red from crying my body aching from throwing up till bile came up. I look up and wonder why? Why has God put these people in my path only to have them hurt me or make me hurt myself. Though I know it is the devil who hurts me so. And the reasons why God put these people in my life was to teach me lessons about myself and about others and how things are and how love is mistaken for lust and how hard truths must be said in order to let go. How people come and go like the seasons. Teached me how I should be treated and what I deserve in life. Though I've endured many things and if my pain were turned into scars my body would be covered in them. But I am still here and fighting the devil with God as my allie by myside watching me helping me through it all. I have been hurt many times and have been hurt by my own self and hands. I have broken down and cried till my lungs hurt praying for God to take me away to his kingdom and there I wofaiuld be at peace finally. But it is not my time just yet. I have met people and have impacted their lives. Even when I was crawling and barely hanging on I still helped others in need. God has healed me in many ways I realize that. And I am very grateful. Though my wings weigh heavy and demons try to cut them off I still manage to stretch them and fight to be a child of my God. I fight for my sanity. I fight for my freedom of my mind that the devil tries to corrupt. I fight tirelessly day and night for my peace of mind and peace for my self. And believe that there is good people for me. And in time I will have what I want. I do know the blessings God has bestowed upon me like my family and how much they love and charish me. This I will never forget. My heart that he has created is of the purest and though I feel it is a burden at times I know my heart has so much love to give and many people feel the light that shines within me. I know the devil tries day in and day out to keep me in the darkness and keep me in pain. But I know I will always prevail. #Faith #Godislove #Anxiety #Depression

Have you ever stopped to think about who you were before the laundry list of diagnoses? I have and still yet I see nothing. I don't see myself struggling to breathe, walk, talk, or even get out of the bed. My therapist, the second good one since 6 years ago, doesn't understand how I can't remember memories before the age of 14. He says it's interesting...I say who does that? Which Me remembers and when will she clue me in and not just with these flashes? Have you ever wondered if you could stay in your safe place and not have to live in the world? I have because living in this world, as an adult is scary and stressful. Question...? Who are you today? Idk yet...am I supposed to define myself through the tasks I'm supposed to do (even when I'm having a flareup and have been swollen for over a month, it hurts to even move...burns at my ankles when they have to bend to go down the stairs and meds seem to not work for me anymore)? The jobs I used to have (since medical/mental won't let me keep a career...I was a Case Manager..I used to help people [they magically progressed] even though I couldn't help myself...but now I have to focus on me..whatever that means because it sucks to have to look/work inward while expressing out)? Do I classify myself as "Mom" because my son depends on me (though he's been the one taking the dog out and bringing me cereal to my room and also helping me up after I choose to sit down somewhere..smh...it's embarrassing to say the least but I'm grateful to be raising this young man right) to instill value and morals and to follow God and treat people well even if other people don't do it...Yep I'm Mom but what else? Am I the woman who it seems like every few months gets another diagnosis? S/O to my Me's for looking after me all these years because without them, I'd surely be dead. I'm making sure yall just don't replay the bad stuff by finding ways to express yourselves. Who are we after self-discovery and peace from our Father [God]? We are kind. We are nurturing. We are caring. We are good even when people don't think so. We also can flip that switch, when triggered, even when/how someone phrases their words...written or on paper. We don't need validation anymore from anyone else but selves. Sometimes it's like a board meeting in my head lbvs however whatever works out even if I was asleep. We are....We can own us and the crap we may recklessly get into...nope we've survivors not victims even though we've been hurt [sometimes we say damaged]. We are strong even when weak. We are not the doormat nor any garbage that've found it's way to the ground. We are capable. We are alive. We are diamonds...even through the ashes...we shine.  #Depression   #MajorDepressiveDisorder   #PTSD   #DissociativeIdentityDisorder   #GeneralAnxietyDisorder   #SocialAnxiety   #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder   #Fibromyalgiabattle #sunallergy #weshine   #ChronicIllness   #Thoughts   #Therapy   #question   #GodInTheMidstOfSuffering   #Godislove #god #notlazy

What therapies do you do to deal with past traumas or what have you tried? I’m really missing getting to do EMDR, which has been so healing to me.
#emdrtherapy #ChronicIllness
#ChronicPain #PastTrauma #healingtrauma #thereisalwaysalwsyshope #ThereIsLight #Godislove #babysteps #findstillness #Reliefiscoming #Comfort

Today my heart feels more open, and I feel more myself. I am so grateful for that! I felt it in small moments through the week but none of them lasted, it always fell back into panic. But I think someone somewhere must have prayed for me today. Because I feel at peace inside me. I feel like I can rest today. Thank the Lord. I want to share that energy with everyone here, and I pray for you, that you can find your peace, that you can allow yourself to rest and feel love. May you be blessed always.

#prayersforyou #angelsworking #PeaceInThePain #notalone #connectiontospirit #blessings #letitbe #Godislove #youareloved