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    *TRIGGER WARNING*

    Honestly can't believe I'm at this point, it's been a minute...

    A lot has happened, Husband has Alzheimers and it's moving forward as it will, Dr. thought I had a stroke and ended up in the hospital twice in 1 and 1/2 weeks for 3 days each. Over my head in paperwork for husband to receive VA benefits as he is a Vietnam Vet. I found out about 3 weeks ago that man I had loved for most of my life was killed in a car accident...That has sent me to the bottom. Have talked to 3 therapists, been told to think of something else when the memories surface, do mindfulness, etc. Problem is I don't want to forget, I don't want to "move on" and only hold on to the memories here and there, sometimes.

    I WANT A DO-OVER!!!

    Bi-polar robbed me of the good life I was supposed to have and then gave me 40 years of pain and trying to re-create the happiest days of my life, and yes, they truly were. Hindsight is 20/20 and I have been looking back at my life for the truth, as in Nothing is perfect and looking back in honesty you normally find that those memories weren't as great as you thought. I've worked on those for about a month now. They were the best days of my life and I walked away. We were literally thousands of mile apart, I was 20 years old. So very young and afraid to believe that someone, I found out later, would be the only man to ever love me for me. Wild and crazy, bipolar and all. Loved for me.

    So I sit here today begging GOD to please please take me home, through tears and screams I don't even recognize coming from my throat. I'm so very tired. I totally understand that HE died for me and that he knew before I was even thought of who I would be and everything about me. So why GOD, why am I here and why have I had to spend 60 years always going in the wrong direction and always in pain. This time has been a bit different. I actually started with a letter to my brother. It will be hard for him as he has always been up front with my bipolar and his problems understanding it. Not sure how to explain in writing to my husband why I'm not here anymore, as he doesn't understand a lot these days and I'm his only caregiver. Where will he go now and who will take care of my beloved dog if I'm not here.

    I literally fell on my knees this morning, the knees that I scraped up last week and are still bruised and sore, Begging for GOD to just take me home. I DON'T beg, maybe 2, 3 times in my life. I'm begging God now though. Can't write anymore as I can't see the keyboard and I'm so so very tired. If anyone reads this or actually gets through this loooonnng book I've written, I want to thank you for being here. This has so often been a comfort and support for me.

    #bi polarII #to tired

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    join my group if you need to vent

    #you #dont #Have #to

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    #people

    #I just wanted to thank everyone on this site.
    I know it’s 4;00 am so excuse my writing #Not really awake yet, I just wanted to let you know how greatful I am blessed you were here for me. #I am fighting , fibromyalgia ,Depression ,anxiety, and a host of other things. #and I could come to this site and just have someone and some place that I could go and not be judged. #to write my thoughts and feelings. I am very grateful # I love 💕 you all Thank so much , because I do not have any one that I can share these things with. #I do have christ Jesus and his father and my father Jehovah I am so grateful that I was lead here because I was in a very dark place. #and I was thinking some bad thoughts. #So Thank you all 🙏🦩✌️💕And know I am not leaving, I am so glad you are here to help everyone.🦩✌️💕. #

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    #stuff

    #well I did love to draw and I love ed #to do cross stitch.Now I don't care for anything I am tired a lot. # When I sleep I am not in pain, I don't cry I don't feel like I am in kingkongs hand an he is crushing me. #

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    #? #

    #I just don't know anymore, I go to Dr tomorrow #L am so tired, of this fight. If it was just me I think I would go home. But I love them more now instead of gown home. So here I stay. My boo comes home from college tomorrow #She goes to Clemson that's right Clemson tigers #and she doesn't give a crap about that. She is studying to be a prenatal nurse/criminal Justice nurse. It is a new field. #She is looking into that, I told her when she left to go to college that when she was done she was going to be a force to be reckoned with. She's going to be a strong woman. And I Instilled in her two take care of herself first and yeah if she wants to find a person she loves, find them but she will always be able #to take care of herself #

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    Sending prayers #to Joyce and her family in OHIO

    A great friend for all times and a relative of Bushkin and Miss Kitty

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    Heading out #to do my walk :-)

    May take Bushkin if she has the energy LOL Wiped out and need to bring our. Camera -))

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    Sunset and #to all a good night♥️👍

    Taking Bushkin to bed for belly rubs and a little vanilla ice cream 👍🐻🐾☮️☮️🐾😷♥️

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    Send a letter #to the politicians and beg them to postpone

    The Presidetial election because mail in ballots is not the correct way to have a safe valid election with the rotten postal service we have in the country and I also need to change to a different RX home delivery that does not use the USPS because I am not getting my medication and that could be why I have GI distress because I have a history of a Massive GI bleed and much more 🌝🌚

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    #to what lengths have you gone through to prove to others that you're all better now?

    #I ask because I have found myself returning to the "smiley faced" outside with crying inside. I think Smokey Robinson and the Miracles sang a song about it--"The Years of a Clown". Thank you for your time.