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    Community Voices

    *TRIGGER WARNING*

    Honestly can't believe I'm at this point, it's been a minute...

    A lot has happened, Husband has Alzheimers and it's moving forward as it will, Dr. thought I had a stroke and ended up in the hospital twice in 1 and 1/2 weeks for 3 days each. Over my head in paperwork for husband to receive VA benefits as he is a Vietnam Vet. I found out about 3 weeks ago that man I had loved for most of my life was killed in a car accident...That has sent me to the bottom. Have talked to 3 therapists, been told to think of something else when the memories surface, do mindfulness, etc. Problem is I don't want to forget, I don't want to "move on" and only hold on to the memories here and there, sometimes.

    I WANT A DO-OVER!!!

    Bi-polar robbed me of the good life I was supposed to have and then gave me 40 years of pain and trying to re-create the happiest days of my life, and yes, they truly were. Hindsight is 20/20 and I have been looking back at my life for the truth, as in Nothing is perfect and looking back in honesty you normally find that those memories weren't as great as you thought. I've worked on those for about a month now. They were the best days of my life and I walked away. We were literally thousands of mile apart, I was 20 years old. So very young and afraid to believe that someone, I found out later, would be the only man to ever love me for me. Wild and crazy, bipolar and all. Loved for me.

    So I sit here today begging GOD to please please take me home, through tears and screams I don't even recognize coming from my throat. I'm so very tired. I totally understand that HE died for me and that he knew before I was even thought of who I would be and everything about me. So why GOD, why am I here and why have I had to spend 60 years always going in the wrong direction and always in pain. This time has been a bit different. I actually started with a letter to my brother. It will be hard for him as he has always been up front with my bipolar and his problems understanding it. Not sure how to explain in writing to my husband why I'm not here anymore, as he doesn't understand a lot these days and I'm his only caregiver. Where will he go now and who will take care of my beloved dog if I'm not here.

    I literally fell on my knees this morning, the knees that I scraped up last week and are still bruised and sore, Begging for GOD to just take me home. I DON'T beg, maybe 2, 3 times in my life. I'm begging God now though. Can't write anymore as I can't see the keyboard and I'm so so very tired. If anyone reads this or actually gets through this loooonnng book I've written, I want to thank you for being here. This has so often been a comfort and support for me.

    #bi polarII #to tired

    4 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    Hi aĺl

    So I have bi polar 2 anxiety depression cpsd ptsd and teleplis and autism and a mild intellectual disability scoliosis #bi polar sucks #misunderstood

    So only a few years been diagnosed with autism being female you know it is what happens

    I find it so hard in the community
    Who else does
    Where do I fit
    I function like a so called norm
    But don't understand conversation enough or social....
    Why is it that if you are not fully unfunctional that people lump everyone together oh it's disability not being able to see each person and putting people who have high behaviours above others....

    Community Voices

    There’s good days too!

    <p>There’s good days too!</p>
    Community Voices

    No title here

    You wanna know what I like most about The Mighty? It's the messages I get from people. You know, the people asking me for money. Or my phone number, or the other people who want me to buy bitcoins or drugs.
    I'm disappointed, I really am.
    #mental health
    #bi polar 2
    #CPTSD
    #ChildhoodAbuse
    #Disabled
    #
    #
    #
    #and so on

    1 person is talking about this
    Community Voices

    WTF ???

    A friend and I did an experiment with the doctor we both have. We each called to set up an appointment with him.
    My friend is kinda wealthy, and I'm on the broker end of broke, barely making it on disability. He has awesome insurance, I have medicaid and Tribal Health Benefits, We complained of the exact same symptoms and set up our appointment.
    My friend goes next week Tuesday, my appointment is the second week of November.
    Anyone else see something wrong with that?

    #bi -polar 2
    #chronic pain
    #Childhood trauma
    #abused
    #Sex trafficked
    #emdr Therapy gone wrong
    #panic disorder
    #Manic depression
    #Stroke
    #heart attacks
    #AtrialFibrillationAndStroke
    #
    #
    #

    59 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    My Day

    I just wanted to brag for a moment, and thought that the Mighty was a good place to do it.
    I got up this morning, but only sat in bed for a half a cup of coffee, not my usual two, not wanting to get up. I got dressed right away and took Little Man out (he's my Service Dog and best friend).
    My apartment is full of work spaces, I use everything as work benches because I'm working on about 346 different projects at the same time. Tools are everywhere. Pieces and parts and gadgets and ideas are everywhere.
    Well, today I completely cleared one whole table,4'x 8', FINISHED nine projects! 9 !!!
    For me, lately has been pretty much bad. My body is failing because of who I used to be, which is a whole nother story. My brain is going downhill because of the stroke, and my depression is hard to ignore.
    But..... today I got up and LIVED!!! I put one foot in front of the other and kept going!!!
    My body will regret it tomorrow, but today was worth it! I lived.
    Tell me about your day? Anything exciting, different, funny, inspirational?

    #bi polar
    #Manic depression
    #suicidal ideation
    #Suicide attempts
    #Stroke
    #heart attack
    #Childhood traumas
    #losing hope
    #Still trying hard
    #warrior

    36 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    What tips do you have for creating structure in your life? #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

    I struggle with self-regulating regarding time management, eating, sleeping, and activities. I can hyper focus for a day, & then I’m back to a cluttered mindset & my energies all over the place. I’m concerned I come across as lazy & irresponsible. My husband provides my only external structure (he’s fantastic & supportive), but he can’t be with me to hold my hand all day. I have to work but my lack of structure & self-regulating means I’m not accomplishing all my job requires. I need & love this job & don’t want to blow it. I’m not out to my employer regarding
    my mental illness. What tips do you have? #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #bi -polardisorder

    3 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    What does it mean…

    What does it mean if your husband of 10 years can’t answer the question “Why do you think I go to the psychiatrist every month?”
    I was bi-polar when we met, we even had fertility issues related to my bi-polar meds.
    I am having the worst depressive episode I have had in 15 years and if I try to discuss it, he changes the subject or walks away. He even saw me Google things related to suicide and actually got mad about it.
    I lost both my parents and four other close relatives in the past three years and I am isolated from my friends. I have no one. His family will support him no matter what so I can’t go to them. I’m not in any position to make a move right now and he acts like everything is fine, I’m just acting mopey. #bi -polar depression

    4 people are talking about this
    Community Voices
    Community Voices

    Relationships are hard. #BPD #chronic pain #bi polar II #PTSD

    I have been really struggling with this one. I know that BPD is know for a series of reoccurring issues of doubt that leads to leads to irrational feelings or behavior. I also know that I have a huge amount of love for someone that I told to leave. This time she did. I wish that I would have used other actions. But I didn't. I ended up splitting and I could only see black. I then tried to go to my safe place, but I can't find calm.

    We have been away from each other for a couple of weeks, I did see her and we made love. Usually that is enough to bring calm and maybe a bit of instant gratification. Not saying that it's healthy. So after avoiding treatment for a while because I just felt like they gave up on me and that they were lost when it came to treatment.

    I feel like I get more from online therapists on YouTube than my mental health provider.

    But I have found that theres so much conflicting information about it. Some from the idea that you should leave people be because you are not capable of doing what seems to be so easy, saying I love you, why should that be so hard? Possibly because I can't feel it currently?

    Now I think I am looking back and seeing red flags on both sides. But I also question my reality.

    I am trying to work out these feelings that if I love it will get better but will it? Am I wrong for feeling like both of us are being narcissistic? To want her to come back? Am I making a mistake by exchanging I love you with someone who says that they are scared of me? Am I doing more damage than good by trying to make it work. Am I hovering?

    To me I can't really know how much it hurt but I can't help but wonder if I am being manipulated, am I being manipulative? Is the things she says done out of spite? Why can't she take any of the blame. Why can't I decide if I need to drop all codependency thoughts? Am I as crazy as I think or are these feelings justified?

    When approached with a structured conversation is there a reason that it can't be why do you want to hurt me, and then the you did this, you said this, you hurt me, I feel like I am taking responsibility for my actions and I only receive replies of agression. Then I think maybe she has a identity disorder, and yes I put her on a pedestal and treat her like a queen, but I also get tired of feeling like I am the only one putting in effort to heal, and she just wants to turn to the past and never the present, I don't think we have had a fight for a new or good reason in a year.

    Did I do this to her or did I happen to fall for someone who has the same problem? I don't know if I should walk away for both of us? Am I just trying to get clarification. Am I leaving to much on the table? I want to fix it but I want to scream and cry. I am tired of feeling the extreme of everything. Do I move on, stay single? I don't want to be hurt by feeling like a maybe. I don't want the negative but I don't want anyone else. Am I alone, it seems so!