todolist

It’s been a harrowing 18 hours, at 9 o’clock last night I was 95% convinced my love was sexting someone from the postgrad course. I glanced the phrase ‘wet dream’ and obviously 2+2= 90,000,000...obviously. I’m working on asking when my anxiety decides these 90,000,000 scenarios are 100% accurate.

It took me 45 minutes, clinging to his arm and stealing kisses in case they were the last ones we’d ever share. I didn’t finish my McDonald’s I felt so sick. I could barely speak, I saw the same phrase over and over in my minds eye. WTAF. I tried to concentrate on the cricket...not even the thought of Jos Butler was helping now.

Obviously the fact that the person in question wouldn’t be interested in him if he was the last man on earth did not factor in this. He does not have a vagina, she will never be interested. But, says my anxiety (it really needs a name), you fell in love with him, so why on earth would the rest of the teaching profession not? A valid point. He knew something was wrong, he cuddled me and massaged my head ‘soften the ‘ I’m leaving you blow’ sniggered my . I got ready to leave, cuddled again and holding on and removing all eye contact... I said my thoughts out loud. This was utterly terrifying.

At first I thought the look was ‘I’ve been rumbled’. It wasn’t. I think I’d caught his broken foot.

He hugged me, kissed me and told me he loved me and reminded me that the person in question, is very much gay.

I drove home, crying. I sent the ‘I’m home’ text, instead of 3 rings you see. He messaged back ‘okay beautiful’ followed by the screen shot and the explanation of the inside postgrad joke. Without me asking or suggesting, just because he knew my mind would not rest all night. I apologised for being mental, to which he reassured me I am not. I apologised for being suspicious and jumping to those 90,000,000 conclusions, and explained how it has become a shield to whether heartbreak (which will obviously come) a bit easier, if I’m expecting it and in control. I told him I didn’t want to be broken. He told me it was ok, that I had been hurt and that he is not offended and that he never wants me to feel broken again.

I found a great post on here that made my thoughts make sense, I sent it to him and joined.

This morning I apologised again. Then I made a list of three things I wanted to do today. Then added some ‘wishes’ around the to do list. I needed to find some order and pull things back into central gravity. I have crossed those three jobs off. I crossed a wish off too. #Anxiety #todolist #Love #Relationships #Comedy

Ever make a do it list and get so overwhelmed by everything you have to get done? Same. Last month, I created a to do list that ended up being the first where everything was checked off and done! Here's how I did it:

Include happy things that you can do. Such as a self care routine or watching your favorite film.

Make it decorative! Now, I know a lot of people don't have time to decorate their to do lists but even just pretty paper and a drawing that makes you smile, makes a difference.

Get the stuff that you don't want to do, done first. This sounds difficult. All of us have chores that we think we will never get done. I like to put 3 things that I don't want to do in one list.

Reward yourself! Get that coffee with a friend after you finish or that cute pair of shoes! Rewarding one's self gives you something to work towards and it doesn't have to be an item, it can be as simple as putting on your favorite music and dancing in your bedroom.

I've noticed that this helps me and it may not help you and that's okay. Just paying it forward with some advice.
#CheckInWithMe #Anxiety #Autism #todolist #Advice