Being re-traumatizied
I haven't been paying attention to my mental health recently and it has been slowly declining. Thank goodness I have been working on this for a long time and was able to catch this in time before it became mania.
I moved out of my toxic marriage in Feb of 2024. Went through a divorce as well which was finalized on July 31st 2024. Me ex decided to throw all my belongings in a corner of the living room. He even took down all the curtains. I have been avoiding going through all the stuff because I wasn't ready to handle the emotions. He finally gave me a month or he was throwing it all away. On Sunday I went there and started to go through my stuff. It was painful to see 26 years of memories thrown in boxes but to go through it and have to start throwing stuff away was even more difficult. I don't have any room for my stuff in my tiny apartment. My ex doesn't care. He says "It's not my problem" that's his famous line to me. I had to get up a few times, walk into my son's room to cry. I mean the holidays are painful as it is, but to make me go through this and he sits there and watches me was uncomfortable.
Thank goodness I have a great landlord that said I can put a few buckets of my stuff in his garage.
I go back this weekend to box up all my stuff and I'm just not ok about all this. I'm not ok with him sitting there watching me struggle and be in pain and he does nothing. It doesn't even phase him. That's unfortunately a narcissist for you. He thrives on control and power.
When I decided to leave after he choked me in front of my daughter I got myself into treatment for my addiction. I than attended a 12 step fellowship, Narcotics Anonymous. I made friends and got a support network. I attended domestic violence classes, and got a trauma therapist who specializes in addiction as well. I went back to school to get my peer advocate certification as well as a recovery addiction coach. I even got a part time job to save money. I did all this healing and growing so the day I said I was leaving I was ready and prepared. However, I guess I didn't realize all the emotions and feelings that comes with leaving.
Today, I am struggling, but that won't always be the case. Healing is a journey. It's messy. One day your good and the next your not. To be able to handle my bipolar and my addiction at the same time as I am healing is not easy. As long as I have this app to allow me to write and process my feelings, my friends, my therapist I will continue my journey.
Thanks everyone for listening. Much appreciated! 👍 #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #narcissist #AddictionRecovery #BipolarDisorder #MentalHealth #ToxicMarriage