How do I put this... #Abuse #friendships #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #GravesDisease #Unmedicated #BipolarDisorder
My Best Friend and I broke up.
Honestly I have seen this coming for a while and I am hurting a lot right now in a way I haven't in a LONG time.
I am honestly at the phase of a break up where I want to go back to the person who savagely destroyed me and apologize to them for hurting me as badly as they did and for destroying me time and time again until I snapped and hurt them.
You know. "I am so sorry that I snapped after all the times you broke our plans with lame excuses, then did something on the exact same day you could not do things with me, with someone else.
I am so sorry that time and time again, you had no money to pay your phone bill, so I paid it, couldn't get groceries so I bought them, couldn't buy gas so I bought it, couldn't pay rent so I paid it, then you got time off work for a festival or a concert after breaking plans with me saying you needed to work for diapers.
I am so sorry that it hurt me when I paid your phone bill when you were unemployed and you ghosted me when I said I really missed you and needed to spend time with you, but I could see you posting on Facebook at the exact same time that you were not talking to me.
I'm sorry it hurt that my husband and I drove 246 miles at 4am to get you and your kids out of an abusive home, drive you home, and put you up at our house, get you housing, pay for your gas, get you set up in town, and you told me I am petty, abusive, bitter, angry and hurt when you canceled multiple plans with me over the last year, then did things with other people.
I am sorry I was so hurt that I was stupid in my BPD/BiPolar brain reaction and Vaguebooked and forced you to tell me how much of a horrible person I am.
I am sorry that I am hurt because I expected more from a best friend.
I am sorry I am hurt because I know your favorite animal, know your exact top 3 fictional characters of that favorite animal, and did make sure that after a really bad month at work during covid 19 those 3 stuffies were on your frontstep waiting for you after work, and you cannot name mine, you could not name mine ever.
Worst of all I am sorry I am hurt because I want to make amends to you because you hurt me. You broke me, you made me feel like I was less. I deserved less. I was ugly and worthless. I felt like you did not want me in your life. I want to apologize to you for you making me feel that way.
And I hate myself for it.
Because it means that this is all because of the abuse that you have been doing to me for years. I hate that you will never apologize for making me hurt. And I just want to tell you how sorry I am."
How do people deal with this?
How do you deal with realizing you were in an abusive friendship?