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One day, someone will catch me

I thought I found someone I could share things with and confide in. But reality wasn't as it was wished to be. I live in a fantasy to fill a void, but as the light shines on it's darkness, it reveals how big the void is. And when reality sets into its place, I realize I can't keep holding onto someone that won't hold me back. I will just end up falling while they keep climbing. But, one day someone will catch me. Until then, I must keep grabbing those small rocks hoping I don't fall again. #Falling #Anxiety #Void #CatchMe

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3:15am on Xmas eve

And here I am awake. Can’t sleep. I close my eyes and I’m just feeling angry. Sad. Alone. #Void


filling the void

for the first time since i was young, i have been filling the void with validation/sex from women and men (
going from one bad relationship to the next, being promiscious
its raw and the feeling of lonliness creeps up, but for the first time in my life i am single and learning to love myself
any advice for the empty feeling ?
#BipolarDepression #BipolarDisorder #Lonliness #Healing #Selflove #single #Trauma #BPD #Void

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Anyone tried wake boarding?

I need some purpose and some fun if I cant have romance!! There is a wake boarding park near me and ive always wanted to try it - I used to snow board - shall I do it?! #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #empty #Void #Depression #wakeboarding #Hobby

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#theEmptinessInside #Void

as Mathew Arnold put it in his poem: "wandering between two worlds, one dead the other powerless to be born.."

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Howdy, it's hard to sleep when the best thing in my life is calling me a stalker.

I'm in a different state.... I've been homeless for 2 months and I've been in the same country 1 time. I'm lost and hurt, and apparently I called of our engagement. The one I proposed and she never answered. The same one she told me would never happen. Like I know she has DID but shes been a narcissist for months and continues to tear apart my life. Why can I not stop loving her? I've done nothing but suffer for almost a year now waiting and trying to fix things. I can be over bearing with the paranoid delusions but stalking? I'm so lost I moved to Texas for that woman and and she pleaded for me to come back. I don't feel like im good enough, and I don't feel her words are true. I hate this.... she told my mother she was having nightmares and barley eating for months bevause she's terrified she will wake up to news of suicide.... but she strips me of everything I love and care about and rips apart my life. I don't feel good, I don't want to live, but I have much more to lose and many people I would hurt. Im appaled and disgusted, and I still want to work this out and marry her.... #Depression #CPTSD #anxiaty #Void #Seperationanixety

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Where to end, is any point in time as good as any? #SuicidalThoughts

Why do I continue to hold on? What purpose do I have? I think of my mother, wife, father, and friends.

An only child, my exit would definitely wound my mothers soul.
Everyone else will move on with their life, memory of my life forgotten in time.

No children of my own, withering hopes and dreams, time passing by, heavy heart, how long will I continue this way? What is the point of it all? What can anyone say that I have not considered? What can anyone do to lift my spirits?

For years I’ve often considered ending my life, the thought of my mother is the only thing that has kept me from this fate.

Why suffer? Why hurt, why endure this inner turmoil? 40. Almost 40, feeling the same as I did at 20. Medicated, giving in to hope, only to return to this same place, this same feeling, this same thought. Why not?

Can I actually let go? Give in?

No children, no desire to replicate this affliction, no future, hope declining, and if it were to rise again, when will it come crashing once again? All in due time. For now I contemplate will this be the night?

#hopeless #Void #Goodnight


Feeling lost

How does one be so happy but feel so broken? Surrounded with so much love and happiness but feel so distant like i dont belong? Always laughing, chatting away with families but once alone, these emotions crashes, blinding me from all that happiness. I feel so alone and cold like nobody can reach or see me no more. Why do i feel this way? Its getting tiring, always trying to analyze every thought to every emotion to find a solution to the problem.

#MentalHealth #FeelingAlone #Void #empty


Friday's Journal

I had two of the best Grandmas a girl could ever hope to have. They were so kind, caring, loving, and thoughtful. I talked with them every day. They were both like a Mom to me, filling a void that has sadly returned since they've both passed away. So grateful for the time I had with each of them. Very precious time. #52SmallThings #grateful #thankful #grandma #gram #grandmother #Love #Void #time