Again

I want to be so many things that I’m not now, & that I don’t know how to become even if I tried. I’d just feel like I was faking it. #Life #Again That’s #exhausting #Cant #wont #alone #misunderstood

So I'm on to therapist #5 since last September. The one I've been seeing for the past five weeks was really disorganized and prioritized her methods over my personal needs, so I decided to move on. It's really exhausting to try to find a therapist!!
So I filled out the intake form this morning and, probably predictably, started feeling anxious and triggered as I wrote out the basics of my issues again. Now thinking about the session tomorrow, I'm not feeling great either - hard to concentrate, mildly dizzy, stiff neck, hard to get breath, etc. I'm not consciously nervous about it (partly because I'm not expecting much at this point), but I think it's just the expectation of being asked to talk about my trauma to another stranger again.
I really hope this one sticks...

#Therapy #Newtherapist #Again #startingover #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Trauma #Upallnight #CheckInWithMe

Might be a while before I open up again. I can't fathom having these indecisive intrusive thoughts that I did something wrong or not good enough. I wish I could be more assertive with my words. My mind is hurt thinking about this. Guard goes back☝ now. #alone #Again #MajorDepressiveDisorder

My fibromyalgia , having a Fiber flar. #attack , And my depression is bad very bad I feel that my soul is empty and I don't feel anything but pain #. The weather has changed here, it's been raining and temperature has changed. I fell like I don't belong anywhere. #Now that my kids are grown. I know I have said this before, but the thought of them not needing me any more. #I here stories about parents who can't wait for there kids to leave, I am not like that. #I was told that I could never have children,. #So when I became pregnant I new I was being blessed.And I tried to not make the mistakes my mom maid. I had a crappie childhood. #My dad was a alcohol

For whatever reason 3-6 am is my sleepless time. No matter what time I go to sleep I wake up and it is around 3 am, and I will lay there or get up until 6 am then I can go back to sleep.

I just spent 6 hours at the hospital with a friend who was struggling after a panic attack and after $20 parking fees, snacks for us while we waited plus gas money....I got home I asked myself,
Why the fuck do I help everyone else when they struggle but no one helps me?
Why am I the "mum"?
Why am I the responsible one?
Why cant I be the one in hospital getting someone else to hold me up and pull me through?
Why do I care about so many people who dont care about me?
Why cant someone else hunt for a fucking vending machine cause I want a cookie?
Why cant I have a support person to help me explain when I'm so anxious I cant put words together??

Why do I let these people take advantage of my friendship?

https://P.S I have work in 4 hours and I cant settle down my brain to sleep before my 14 hours shift!! #help #Anxiety #helpingothers #FamilyAndFriends #takingadvantage #Used #Again

I’m on the ground again #Again