Again

The world keeps on spinning and I no longer feel part of society . I am going through one of the worst times in my life as I'm becoming slowly paralyzed in both my legs. The poly neuropathy in both legs is slowly creeping up my leg I've been wearing two full leg braces for years and have been disabled for fifteen.

Don't know exactly what I'm doing here #Again but my thoughts of ending this nightmare in an unholy way are becoming more frequent.

I want to be so many things that I’m not now, & that I don’t know how to become even if I tried. I’d just feel like I was faking it. #Life #Again That’s #exhausting #Cant #wont #alone #misunderstood

So I'm on to therapist #5 since last September. The one I've been seeing for the past five weeks was really disorganized and prioritized her methods over my personal needs, so I decided to move on. It's really exhausting to try to find a therapist!!
So I filled out the intake form this morning and, probably predictably, started feeling anxious and triggered as I wrote out the basics of my issues again. Now thinking about the session tomorrow, I'm not feeling great either - hard to concentrate, mildly dizzy, stiff neck, hard to get breath, etc. I'm not consciously nervous about it (partly because I'm not expecting much at this point), but I think it's just the expectation of being asked to talk about my trauma to another stranger again.
I really hope this one sticks...

#Therapy #Newtherapist #Again #startingover #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Trauma #Upallnight #CheckInWithMe

Might be a while before I open up again. I can't fathom having these indecisive intrusive thoughts that I did something wrong or not good enough. I wish I could be more assertive with my words. My mind is hurt thinking about this. Guard goes back☝ now. #alone #Again #MajorDepressiveDisorder

My fibromyalgia , having a Fiber flar. #attack , And my depression is bad very bad I feel that my soul is empty and I don't feel anything but pain #. The weather has changed here, it's been raining and temperature has changed. I fell like I don't belong anywhere. #Now that my kids are grown. I know I have said this before, but the thought of them not needing me any more. #I here stories about parents who can't wait for there kids to leave, I am not like that. #I was told that I could never have children,. #So when I became pregnant I new I was being blessed.And I tried to not make the mistakes my mom maid. I had a crappie childhood. #My dad was a alcohol

For whatever reason 3-6 am is my sleepless time. No matter what time I go to sleep I wake up and it is around 3 am, and I will lay there or get up until 6 am then I can go back to sleep.

I just spent 6 hours at the hospital with a friend who was struggling after a panic attack and after $20 parking fees, snacks for us while we waited plus gas money....I got home I asked myself,
Why the fuck do I help everyone else when they struggle but no one helps me?
Why am I the "mum"?
Why am I the responsible one?
Why cant I be the one in hospital getting someone else to hold me up and pull me through?
Why do I care about so many people who dont care about me?
Why cant someone else hunt for a fucking vending machine cause I want a cookie?
Why cant I have a support person to help me explain when I'm so anxious I cant put words together??

Why do I let these people take advantage of my friendship?

https://P.S I have work in 4 hours and I cant settle down my brain to sleep before my 14 hours shift!! #help #Anxiety #helpingothers #FamilyAndFriends #takingadvantage #Used #Again

I’m on the ground again #Again