Cant

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    I want to be so many things that I’m not now, & that I don’t know how to become even if I tried. I’d just feel like I was faking it. #Life #Again That’s #exhausting #Cant #wont #alone #misunderstood

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    #Cant sleep

    I decided on a new hobbie. Which I’m happy to say will take practice. That’s hard to say when you’re a perfectionist. I took up wood carving. Well I cut my hand! Oh surprise! (Sarcasm) I gave my self stitches! Yay Rambo! (Not)
    Well now I’m up drinking my fave drink, vodka and water. Trying crisis lines and you have to wait so long for someone to answer I gave up. I have a couple plans to give up in 2022. I’m tired of waking up and hearing the same negative thoughts. Missing the people I’ve lost. I’m the youngest of my family, I don’t want to be the last. My husband deserves LIFE! This world is so negative. My life of sexual assault. I just can’t turn it off . I know I’ll be happy seeing my boys (dogs) at the bridge. I just want to be happy. Tired of trying different drugs.
    I understand people have it worse. And I’m so sorry. #Depression # BPD # Anxiety #PTSD # isolation

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    Exhausted from working hours at the moving company aren’t consistent enough

    It’s after 2am I’m working an extremely rare night shift at my weekend job it’s a Security company that handles several contracts thank God they love me because I’m kinda panicking a bit let me explain BPD causes me to do some pretty stupid shit like buying things I really don’t need like I have all the $$$ in the world I’m learning to get a handle on it but it still does damage I’m moving next month and we are literally swimming in bills I’m working like a manic to cover half the rent for next month plus car insurance and rent for the new place my check I just got today went to paying the mechanic to fix my truck just barely covered it I’m working the moving company when they need me I get a text the day before it’s annoying very difficult to plan things out I’m door dashing and working my weekend security job kinda hoping this hospital job pans out 3 12 hr shifts and 4 hr training shift per week paid lunch and full hospital benefits plus my 403b should roll over I’ve been working torwards this for over a year before we even moved here I bust my ass to provide for my family I didn’t ask for any of this shit that was given to me I’m taking ownership though I cannot change things in the past the only thing I can do is take one day at a time put the work in and keep pushing forward my wife told me today she’s seen a huge change this week and I haven’t even started therapy yet I have to find the keep the momentum going really just need a solid break

    #Working for change #Cant change my past but I can shape my future #heres to my new beginning #I Choose life #Fuckbpd

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    Work mode 👮🏻‍♂️☀️🏊🏻‍♂️🌴 #top flight security Craig #Pool Patrol #Easy day #Cant believe I get paid to do this

    Working 10a to 4p sitting by the pool enforcing rules and regulations this is my weekend job I move furniture during the week I love making money and being in a positive environment

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    Soul crushing depression #Depression #Grief #Loss #Cant breathe

    I took this picture last night. I’m normally almost ocd about my house being clean. My friends and family make fun of me for it.

    I looked around last night and really SAW what I was living in for the first time. I’m not beating myself up - but the contrast is stark. My best friend in the fucking world - scratch that she was/is more like my sister - of 15 years passed away recently. Now, my brother is missing. We had to file a missing person report and hire a PI. His phone hasn’t been used since he disappeared and someone else is using his credit/debit cards. It isn’t looking good.
    I feel like my heart is being sucked out of my chest. I’m so numb and disassociated that I’ve been losing time. I’m either searching for my brother or in bed chain smoking (I had quit years ago) and watching shows. I won’t get up for days unless I’m searching. My bedroom is DISGUSTING- as the picture shows. I can’t sleep.

    I guess I took the picture so that in the future, I can look back and see how bad things can get. Life can be pretty good one day and unbearable the next. Life isn’t about money or your job or anything but the ppl you love. Hold on to them. Tell them you love them. Hold them close.

    Also, all the things you try and control. Punctuality, cleanliness, etc. can all go to shit.

    Big hug to you all.

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    I’m so tired #alone #Bipolar ll, #Cant stop crying 😢 #mental illness sucks!!!

    I’m so tired 😓 of basically begging people to love me and want to be around me. I was taught when u love someone, you should receive unconditionally, but I was given an ultimatum that if I don’t get my apartment looking a certain way, my daughter , and my best friend w have nothing to do w me 😞😞😞😢😢😢. I am very much struggling w bipolar ll, depression, fibromyalgia pain. My mom is in the later stages of dementia, I miss my mom so much!! It’s been over 2 weeks and I can’t even get my mom to talk to me by phone,let alone let me see her. My heart is totally shattered!! I never in a million years that at 61
    I’d be all alone. I’m so sad, it’s hard to even get up in the morning, I’ve been sleeping at
    Least 12 hours a day, sometimes I just pray God would take me home already

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    Dr help. #Dysautonomia #gastroperesis #Cant eat #NauseaAndVomiting

    Hi yaall. I was wondering if anyone knows of a good dr in Florida? I live in Naples but will travel to try to treat this. I have been on tpn for years then they took me off and now I can only eat liquids without getting so sick and pain. But I cAnt find a doc. Help would be sooo appreciated!!!!! The closer to south Florida the better. But if I have to go I will. Thanks 🙏 ❤️j

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    #Cant sleep #

    #its been one hell of a night.so far I have spelt water every whare . I have sinus problems so I have to sleep or try to with my head elevated #There is the water issue some how I knock it over #Have Gerd, not all the time, but I do tonight . #Cant sleep, neck is bothering me also . # It’s a bad night.I do believe I started my day with fiberflare #This night sucks.So far this year sucks. # #keep waiting for my ship to show up # Kesha song 🚀 Space Ship #

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    Chronic illness, loss and Christmas... #Grief #Loss #Christmas #chronic #illness #m .e

    Hi my fellow warriors, this may be a bit of a wordy post so I apologise in advance...

    I know this year has been hard for everyone, financially, emotionally, physically... we all understand how exhausting day to day life can be without any extra pressures.
    This year has well and truelly battered my life.

    I lost my mum in January, watching her deteriorate but she was so strong right to the end.

    I'm in my early twenties, she was my best friend. My world. My rock. My everything. Christmas last year was the last day I had a proper conversation and a giggle with her before her illness took over and she gained her wings.

    My girlfriend has been amazing through it all. Been there for me even when I've been less the pleasant or manageable. I was so angry, I was numb, but I couldn't grieve. I still haven't.

    My mum spread her wings the first week of January this year. And I am horribly aware that it will soon be a year weve been without her.

    My point in writing this post is because I'm heartbroken. I've never experienced pain like this. My heart is physically heavy. It's missing something I can never replace.

    Fighting this illness that takes so much of the little I have. I guess I just need some advice.... some reassurance... I dont know. But you are all individuals that truelly appreciate the struggles this horrible illness delivers to us on it's own. I just dont know how to manage anymore.

    #lost #Heartbroken #Grief #help #Support #Cant #cope #m .e