exhausting

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    How

    I want to be so many things that I’m not now, & that I don’t know how to become even if I tried. I’d just feel like I was faking it. #Life #Again That’s #exhausting #Cant #wont #alone #misunderstood

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    #Depression

    So I have #Depression #Anxiety and #Autism and it’s like in the last week something has broken in my brain!
    I used be able to be a high functioning person and could do everything even if it was a little bit forced but I would still be able to do it
    Now I have panic attacks at the worst moments and worst of all they are silent ones so my brain is working so hard and having this major meltdown and nobody can tell because I can’t communicate
    When this happens I literally cannot say a word my brain can’t form even a basic sentence and it is #exhausting I don’t know what to do
    I feel so #frustrated and broken
    Any advice? Or just words of support would be greatly appreciated x

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    Making doctors appointments

    Can we talk about how exhausting it is to make appointments? I understand how important it is, and I know i've been needing to make one, but golly the procrastination is so bad. #exhausting #MakingAppointments

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    #Depression #exhausting #DiabetesType2

    My #DiabetesType2 is costing me so much strength at the moment. I have to put reminders everywhere, so I won't forget my meds. I have to remind myself to eat or stop eating. It's chaotic all the way and very frustrating. Somewhere I read that #DiabetesType2 can cause #Depression and vice versa. I don't know if I believe it's true. Maybe it can happen but the more analyse my past the more I get to the conclusion That the basic cause for the #Depression is in there and the reason for my #DiabetesType2 is myself being an obese piece of xxx that's own fault the disease is. I'd never say that to any other chronically ill patient because I know there's more to it but I cannot seem to be easy on myself. A therapist once asked if I would talk to others the way I talk to myself. I said I never would! She asked why do I think I would deserve it and I told here I had no clue. I know why, because I think I deserve it. Sometimes I believe the names I call myself. Can you relate to that? What are the worst names you call yourself and how do you get over it?

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    I need to know how to #cope with a bad #Businesspartner who makes my #Depression worse.

    My #Businesspartner causes me to be #depressed. She constantly -#Criticizes me, #Argues with me, #Corrects everything I say. It’s #exhausting. I’m #miserable, not just at #Work but at #home too. She’s made my entire #Life #unhappy

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    Defeated and alone... Even with a strong support system.

    I just turned 30... Followed by a bone density test... I have #Osteoporosis of the spinal column... Along with my #AnkylosingSpondylitis my pain specialist said I should consider applying for #Disability since it'll take a minute you get on but also because he thinks at the rate I'm going a wheelchair will be in my future sooner than later...
    At this point in life I've been #battling #multiple #ChronicIllnesses going on 20 years. I can handle that... But being told I should consider disability at 30 and not having anyone to talk notes with makes me feel #alone #Defeated and #lost
    My mom and dad are such a great support and my boyfriend is a God send... Who really stood up as a man and learned about my illnesses to better care for me... But feeling your body slowly being destroyed knowing there's not much they can do for the damage that's already been done only give me a medication that could potentially hemp slow it down... Being in high pain or #high out of my mind 24/7 lack of sleep because of the pain... Mourning the death of the woman I once was... And being told that you aren't the same happy and care free person you once were... And the worst thing of it all... Knowing that it'll continue to get worse and more #painful and more #exhausting ... And theres no guaranteed end date. But you must remain greatful for existing because you're selfish For wishing the pain to go away the only way it will... By death.
    I'm sorry for ranting... Im actually dealing with a lot of #anger right now. My boss has been very verbally abusive and I'm fearful and anxious and he's making me feel worse... But i can't quit because I need insurance... But im trying to find a better job by interviewing on my lunch break. But i also have to try to make myself look amazing so I can try to negotiate #Insurance right away since I'm on a few narcotics that I can't get a 90 day supply for and of course my boyfriend of 5 years is dragging ass on proposing though it's in talks...

    Anyways... Yes I'm just bitter and sad... One day soon I'll get up and put my mask on and smile... But until that day I want to be a little selfish, bitchy, and reaching out to fellow #Spoonies who want to just #complain and bitch on this post with me without judgement and promise i won't give you sugar coated #encouragement unless requested.

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